General Chat

My best friend of 12 years who also lives next door has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, This has only happened over the past 2 weeks .. prior to this she was fine. We thought she was having a stroke but the results show the lung cancer not diagnosed has migrated and apart from other areas she has a brain tumour
The biopsy results came back today and we are looking at 3 to 6 months max ..
She is my best friend and I am there for her all the way.
She says I am the only person she can be truly honest with . We have discussed funeral arrangements , but I keep it light.. we have wish list we are working on
I just wonder if anyone on GR has had to deal with this situation and if they can help me to get this right
PS she has asked that will bethe carer when things get bad

Yes...and I also have a friend who is going through the same thing with a family member as i type.

Keeping it light always good.

But then my dark sense of humour was in tune with the person whose hand I was holding. You'll know how far you can take the black humour (if that's your thing) or the gentle joke...because you're her best mate. Trust your instincts.

Just be the friend to her you've always been..that's why she is confiding in you.

But please dont be afraid to confide in a 3rd party to cry or shout it out of your system ...whichever helps should you need to...

you need to stay strong in yourself to be able to help her.....you are allowed your own weak moments.

Good luck hon. x

Muffy .. I want to kick the s*** out of something at the moment , but the end result is about what she wants me to do..My feelings don,t come into this, we have a 6 month window at the best to work her wish list..
We discuss funeral arrangements .. then we discuss a wish list .. then we discuss me taking care of her adult children when she is gone..making sure they are OK plus her OH. She is like a sister to me and I want to do this the right way
She can't do this with her family .. and I am going to be there all the way. for her.
Perhaps I should delete this thread .. stupid and daft to post this on here
I feel so angry and totally flamin helpless

just lost my SIL i also went through school with her,she was only 54,same as your friend,she had it in her lung's ,throat, liver & brain,she had chemo ,lost her hair and in the end she had a stroke and went down hill very quickly,less than 2 week's after the stroke.
just listen ,love,cry, whatever come's day by day,she will let you know what her wishes and hopes are each day just be there,i was applying face cream & body lotion's to my SIL while she was laying on her hospital bed,it made her feel a little happier for a short while,
if she is a lady who likes make up etc,maybe a manicure or some beauty treatment will lift her spirit's,
it will be very hard to see her getting frail, this will be when she will need you most,

positive thought's for you and your friend,

sue

I went through this with my husband - he was diagnosed with an incurable non-treatable rare lung disease and after a biopsy to confirm what it was the prognosis was no more than five years - actually it was less than a year - very difficult to deal with, so much so that we really never discussed it because it was too painful - no one would believe he was dying s he looked fit and well - nothing prepares you to deal with such an eventuality

How to deal with a friend - that's a toughie too - she's obviously well aware of what's to come and seems you are going to be her support through it all - I have a quirky sense of humour and find that helps in dire situations

I hope you can muster the strength to see her through this - you obviously have a wonderful friendship and I have a feeling you will do fine - everyone should have a friend like you to turn to in their hour of need

Ann XX <3 <3 <3

LOVE TO YOU MY FRIEND
XXXXXXXXXXXX

don't delete - I think you also will need a lot of support and I'm sure I speak for all of us on here when I say we will be here for you

Ann XX

Martyn ..
Sue ...
thank you so much for replying. I love this person to bits and I am so scared I will let her down when the end eventually comes.She is so calm about the news at the moment
We have talked honestly tonight about the results of the biopsy.. it's a done deal , terminal but I want to get this right for her...
I am still so bloody angry at the moment ..

No wise words of advice to give you Kim, she trusts and loves you, so just love and trust her back and never stop being you, as that is just what she wants and needs.

Ann .. I try to be the toughie on these boards .. not this time , Thank you very much xx
Diz .. we talked on the phone a few days ago so you know xx
Just
Thanks for letting me vent on here

Hayley ..
That means a lot
Thanks
XXX

Neubie, just make sure your friend writes down her funeral wishes for her family, they will be devestated if you tell them that she told you what she wanted and she didn't leave them instructions.
Cry with her when necessary, laugh with her when you can and enjoy all your old memories together while you can and make the most of her wish list as soon as you can.

Pam

You already have so much good advice on here Kim, As she is such a good friend and you know her so well your instinct will kick in and you won't get it wrong. Let her talk it out if she wants to, or not talk about it if she doesn't. But, as others have said, you have a hard task ahead so make sure you lean on somebody yourself. She trusts you to cope, so you will.

As you can see, people will be here for you. <3 <3 <3

my heart goes out to you newbie
what you are about to embark on is going to be very hard
nothing worse than helping somebody deal with cancer
and its never an easy road for you both
all you can do is be there

theres no right way and no wrong way to deal with this
every case is diffrent
just do your best xx
:-( :-(

and when all else fails kick a door xx

Pam .. we discussed this tonight .. no hymns ..and a few other things
people were phoning and I was warding them off as she didn't wanty to deal with them just yet
I haven't cried yet with her .. as I said , you are not dead yet
We are off to a hill in the area in a few weeks .. the men will pitch a tent then leave us to drink a 'few' bevies , watch the stars and the the men will come back in the morning..to take the tent down.

I want to make these next few months about being alive (hope this makes sense) not a funeral before it's time where people are grieving before the person has died.

Neubie

When this gets too much for you to bear, for your own sake phone The Samaritans.
I have been through a similar situation and at that time found that being able to talk to someone outside the circle of friends and family very, very helpful.

Jo <3

Joeva,
Thanks .. but this is why I posted on here.
The people on here know me
Also I want to work with the MacMillan nurse at the end of care..

The Fags are out of the window on Monday for me.. I now ****** hate the damned things..

Kim, I am so sorry to read this and hope you and your friend can reap the benefits of your long and close friendship in the time you have left, you by being there for her and she by sharing her memories with you to hold on to.

I too think it's very important to have things written down, preferably in her handwriting if possible or signed by her so there is no disagreement when the time comes for the funeral etc. It might also be nice if you helped her write special letters to her close family to give them at the appropriate time, knowing you have helped her do that will aid you in supporting them later on as well.

I wonder if there are things she might want to say and sometimes can't, even to you. Maybe a lockable diary or just a notebook that she can write her really private thoughts down or things she can't say to you but wants you to know, things that would get too emotional being said out loud. She could then ask you to read the entries as and when she thinks or later on.

It's going to be a hard time for you, and I am glad you will get back up from the MacMillan nurses - they will help you with things even this early on and you will have a good source for information on assistance available.

As well as keeping things light and trying to laugh sometimes, do help her express her anger if she feels like it, maybe both get some playdough and bash hell out of it or something.

I hope your friend can pack a lot into these months she has and your time under canvas goes well and is fun. Photos and mini videos will be good to show others later and soon after the camping too, if she wants to share her adventure.

You know we are always here to listen and support, my thoughts will be with you and your friend as you walk this tough road together. Let us know how things go when you can

Lizxx

This is just to say thank you for just being here
Yesterday was a really bad day as we were told the results of the biopsy.
She will have five consecutive days of radiotherapy next week maybe followed by Chemo for the lung cancer
This afternoon we have been sitting in the garden (having a few glasses of wine) and we have been laughing our socks off.
She told me again, no Hymes but wants Bright Eyes to be played at the funeral .. I said Great .. that will leave me thinking about rabbits being run over :-S
The brain tumour means I will lose the friend I know before she dies but we have a load of things planned for the next 2 months. If I get arrested , could someone bail me out?
This is time for fun. memories and probably Xmas in October this year.
Thank you
XXXXX

neubie,
one day at a time,let her choose,SIL wanted to thing's as she alway's did,
shopping etc,
one of the thing's she worried about most was her home,was it clean, what about the washing & ironing,it mean't a lot to her she did not want to let her standard's down,silly i know but it was how she coped with it,just go with the flow and let her express herself how she want's.

hope you have a lovely night out under the star's.
sue,

my SIL was so calm it was scary,i was with her when she went,it was very peaceful for her,it came very quick at the end so enjoy your time together & laugh,that will be important to her if you alway's had a laugh,don't change or she will feel she is putting on you.