General Chat

Several years ago I fell out with my parents. To cut a long story short they refused to attend my sons wedding due to a overheard remark repeated by a 13 year old who relayed it without context. The remark was made by my sister and had no bearing on my sons wedding. To say I was hurt is an understatement and I have had nothing to do with them until last Nov.
That was when I was told that my Mum was terminal with lung cancer. So I put my feelings aside and made the call even though my husband and son still want nothing to do with them.
It has not been easy, but I have tried to do the right thing. Each time I have been left with the feeling that they were indifferent to my efforts with excuses to be of the phone after a few mins and when I have visited, it is like I am a stranger. Not once have they made an effort towards me, not even a phone call.
Well it was my dads birthday yesterday and I visited with a card. I had been with them for over an hour when right in front of me they started preparing for a party that I knew nothing about. I think I must have been stunned as I just put my coat on and left without saying anything about it.
I can not keep taking the pain of this but by throwing in the towel with this relationship I know I will lose my siblings as well. It is tearing me apart and I just do not know what to do.

Julie

My parents dropped me flat in 1988 when I got pregnant - I was 32 at the time and in a stable relationship, but hey ho.

Since that time the hurt has gone on. There was nobody to tell me that my father was terminally ill - I got a brief note from my mother after his death and no opportunity to say goodbye or anything.

Since that time I have tried to make amends, but my mother wants nothing to do with me. She would rather live completely alone - there is no toher family - than have the care of me and her lovely granddaughters.

That is her choice and I must respect that, BUT, I can also say that I have done everything I can to try to put things right. I have done my duty and I should not reproach myself. If you can say the same, then this may be the best you can hope for.

I feel for you, but, as they say, 'there's nowt so queer as folk'.

All the best

Sheila

think there's one thing you can do Julie and that would be to write them a letter with a copy to your siblings. Explain everything as you have done here and even go as far as to apologise [even if you don't really need to] saying that if you unwittingly upset them you are sorry and wish it hadn't happened. Don't know if it'll work but it's worth a shot.

have pm you
Dutchxx

Julie, you have made the first move, and then some. At first it seemed your parents were a bit uncomfortable and didn't know how to react, so made excuses to put the phone down. Yesterday showed they are not going to try to meet you half way. Your husband and son love you, give yourself a break from trying with your parents, and not getting anywhere but upset.
Your siblings must know you have tried, and if they think you have given up they might get in touch with you, after all, they must miss you as well.
I don't want to give advice as such but you are only hurting yourself by this, there may be a time in the future when your parents call you themselves.
Sending a big (((((((hug))))))) for you.

Caz xx

I think you should take a mixture of Anne's and Caz's advice. write the letter because putting it on paper will be cathartic. explain how hurt you were in the beginning, how the remark was out of context etc. explain that yous till feel hurt that they are leaving you out, copy it to your siblings. then try and put it behind you. you only have one life, you have done all you can to make amends (if that was actually needed or not). you have your own family, build a happy life with them and move on. Good luck

Ann
Glos

Julie, I have had the same problem, but wish I had had the advice Ann has given you I think even the action of writing it all down helps also.

((((((((((hugs))))))))) Jean x

thank you for your comments on here and by pm

they are most appreciated. I have so many thoughts going through my head it is hard to write them down. My friends beleive I should walk away and I thought it would be helpful to see the reactions of those who do not know me and maybe offer a different perspective.

What an awful situation to be in. Don't know what to say really but I think the letter sounds good advice.
Hope everything works out for you
Dawnxx

I did write it all down lastweek. I have carried it in my bag since but have not had the right opportunity to leave it since Mum has had a few bad turns and I felt that dads birthday was an inapropriate time. When I found out about the party I was to stunned to react.

I agree with Ann.

Write the letter to your parents...copy to siblings.
Last paragraph:
I do hope that you will understand how this misunderstanding happened & that we can put it behind us.
I love you, but if you do not want me to phone or visit you, I will respect your wishes.
I will wait for your answer before contacting you again.
Your loving Daughter

***
....
If you get no response, you have tried. You have a loving husband & son who obviously do not like seeing you hurt. Good luck.

that's an excellent ending Carol has suggested - puts the ball right in their court - I have a feeling it might well work, but do a copy to all your siblings as well and if you should be unlucky enough to get a negative reply, which I really hope is not the case, give them all a copy of that too. Then as others have said, find the strength to move on with your own family

Good luck with the letter.................I think it's the best way too and if all your siblings receive a copy there is no room for further misunderstandings.

xx

Sound advice from the others babe,

You do need your sibling to know you have tried hard to get things back to normal.

Good luck sweetheart

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Jan x

Ann, why couldnt you have been my M.I.L?

Julie, you have been given very sound advice ,I would adhere to it, if I were you!
Best of luck
xxxxx

Another thought......................it shouldn't be a duty to have a good relationship with your family, it should either happen naturally or accepted that as adults, we all have a right to happiness with or without our parents and siblings.

Your immediate family now are your husband and children..................who love you to bits :))

xx

Thanks to you all. I think I will give at a try. I am lucky in the fact that my husband and son do not feel that they are being betrayed my actions and the last thing I want is for them to feel that they are to blame for any outcome.

What is my M.I.L?

MIL = Mother in law

I agree that I should be in contact for more than just duty. I would not like to think that my son would ever feel the same way towards me. For all the hurt there is still a part of them in my heart and it is for this reason I was prepared to let things be. But with recent events that is diminishing every day.
If duty and respect are called for, should it not be both ways.
If I had been treated in the same way by anyone other than my family I would have immediatly said to hell with them. The saying is "Blood is always thicker than water"