General Chat

Yehh well done Daff:o)))

jude sarf wales :o)) xx

Hi Sheila... Mac, and Romany.. thanks for your comments and advice.. I have now spoken to the family member. I just had a phone call.. unsolicited, but wanting to come and visit me for a couple of days.

I have asked outright about any difficulties, and how I felt about being involved.

There has been an agreement about seeking professional help in one area... and I have been given permission to nag, lol! I rather like that bit, lol!! (joking, I promise!)

Putting up this thread was just so helpful, as it made me focus rather than panic... I might well have pussy-footed when I got the phonecall, but instead came straight to the point...... and it seems to have worked, so far!

Thank you all

Love

Daff xxx

They obviously hold you in high esteem, to have asked you. I think you'll be ok, try not to worry. Sometimes honesty is the best policy.

Me too I'm afraid. I would say that however much you care for these people you should keep out of it. If they need professional advice/help to sort this out then perhaps someone should tell them, but I think it is unfair to ask you to get involved.

Those of us of a helping nature are always prone to this sort of thing. We know it blows up in our faces, but still we keep going. Ask yourself - do you want a family rift on top of whatever else is going on? My guess is you don't.

Sympathise, empathise, but leave it to the experts.

Sounds harsh, but it's born of experience.

Sheila

Thank you Jude... I'll be carefull, I promise.

Thanks Deanna... I know, that is what I have been dreading. Thank you xxx

I now know what I have to say... I am involved, but my role has to be as a direction to the professional help. I would not be able to remain impartial, as I am far too closely involved simply by nature of the relationship.

I still have to go and see them to tell them, though!

Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts.. I really appreciate it.

Love

Daff xxx

Daff, I cannot tell you how to behave..... but I have been in that position myself.

You have been asked to help, but when you help.... your opinion may not be appreciated even by the person who asked you.

All you can do is tell it how it appears to you...... but going by my experience......
LEAVE THEM TO IT!
And that advice is straight from my heart Daff.

Deanna X

Hello Daff - wow thats a difficult one, l do hope you can do whats best for all concerned. You take care, we don't want to see you hurt!!

jude sarf wales :o) xxxx

Lynn, Lindy and Linda... Thanks for the hugs... I am feeling slightly less wobbly now I have put this thread up.... you lot are good counsellors, lol!

Ann, yes, it took my breath away when I got the phonecall, I have to say. I will have to go and see them, I know, and I now have a better idea of what I need to say to them both...

Liz and Susan and Linda, I have pm'd you... thank you so much, your support means a great deal.

Susan, mwah... thank you!

Love

Daff xxx

Hi Daff, reading this I am thinking it is unfair of the person to ask you to become involved, inasmuch as you may end up getting the flack later from one or both of them. I had the same thing happen to me, was asked by o.h's ex to help their son sort some problems out with his ex and her family, who he owed money to. O.h.'s ex said her partner would get angry with the people, she just got upset and my o.h. would be like a bull in a china shop so would I deal with it. I had to do it by email and the culprit, o.h's son came here to explain his side of things and tell me what to say i.e. what he would agree to pay back etc. I did all that and then he reneged on it all, and I got the back lash, being told by o.h. that I shouldn't have interfered.
I would suggest you write both of the people a letter saying more or less the same, that you have been asked to mediate but don't want to take sides, therefore you suggest them going to outside bodies for help. Say that only if they are both really agreeable with you talking to them privately and/or together and without any prejudice, will you go further than the letters.
That way they both have the option of talking with you but can see you will try hard to be impartial.
Would be a shame to jeopardise your relationship with either person.
Take care, hope something works out ok from all this.
Lizx

I don't envy you daff, but you have been asked and that, in a way, is a compliment. That at least one of the couple trusts you to be impartial, especially if it is the non family member. Maybe if you can just be there and let them talk it through, then encourage them to go for further advice. Good luck anyway.

ann
Glos

You are such a lovely person Daff :-)))...I don't envy you your task as it is a tricky one whatever you do, but don't let it get in the way of your own personal life. Your own Family must take priority.

Good luck

Sending you positive thoughts and great big hugs ((((HUGS))))

Susan
x

lol Merlin... digging out my tin helmet as we speak!!

Thanks for that Joy..... Yes, as you have guessed, that is one of the things that I am afraid of, even if things turn out ok, that my relationship with them will have changed for the worst.

Thank you for your advice, I know you are absolutely right, but I need to get them to the professionals in the first place... I have done some basic counselling courses (worked with abused youngsters for a few years) so know the principles... and know how hard it is to remain cool, calm and impartial.... I am not intending to tell them how to sort themselves out.... but to get them to go to the right people to help them!!

Thanks again for your views.. they really are helping me to sort out in my head..

Love

Daff xxx

You said it, Lynn!!!

(((((hugs))))) to Daff!!!

Lindy
xxx

(((((HUG)))))

Linda x

Really dont envy you whatever decision you make Daff

like you say, a rock and a hard place

hugs Lynn xxxx

Thank you Lulli and Lindy... they are going to need professional help, that is an absolute definite... but they are both dead set against that. My main reason for saying that I would mediate... and I was careful to say *mediate* rather than *help* .... is that I know neither of them will reach this decision on their own! They really MUST seek professional help... and I fear that they are so against it, they might resent me just for that. I have a great deal to lose if this fails, believe me!! But I also know that I will lose it if I refuse to help, too... caught between a rock and a hard place, I think!

Love

Daff xxx

As has been said, counselling is listening. Samaritans listen, they are trained to do that, not to advise.
By solely being there listening, sometimes, the ones doing the talking can see things that they had not seen before. But best for this to not be someone so close (imo). There could be resentment later that you had heard deeply personal things.

Gird them well Daff,and also take something to rap knuckles with,they may need it,as you well know,The Truth hurts,especially if its a Family member who tells it.Your a Brave Girl to try it. Oh, "A Tin Helmet" may be useful. **M**.xx.

Hi, Daff!

I once did an Counselling NVQ 1. We were taught not to suggest!!! Listen, ask questions to make the problem clear, respond appropriately, ask how THEY feel about it, ask if THEY think there is anything that can be done, ask them what THEY think is the first step, etc. etc. All suggestion MUST come from them. They know what they are able to do or not able to do.

Talking through their problems, will help them to see exactly what is wrong and it may help them to find an answer. Or, at least, take the first step in the right direction.

This way you are not interfering, only listening!!!

Good Luck!!!
Lindy
xxx

This is always a contraversial situation when dealing with friends and family. Quite often the person trying , with the best intentions , to help ends up being the one cast aside and unpopular . I n this situation I would speak to the person again who asked for your help and suggest it would be wiser to speak to a professional who is not emotionally involved............... Just an opinion !

Good Luck

Lulli xx