General Chat

Do we ever really become hardened to it, or does it still affect us when something goes wrong. Can we cope

This Christmas has seen a fair bit of trouble crop up, familywise that is. A very much younger sister who I dont have much dealing with but who is on heavy drugs and decided to tell mum and dad on Christmas eve that she was going to end it all this christmas.
This led to many other members of the family becoming involved as each one heard about it.

Of course as parents, worry and stress sets in and a sense of guilt that they should have done more. What more could mum and dad have done that they hadnt done already. Standing by her when she was in rehab numerous times, standing by her when she was in prison through vicious actions, Seeing countless times when going back on drugs and turning nasty against them because they said they didnt have money. My own reaction was one that might surprise you all but never the less I will say it again.

My own reaction was as a drug addict she was looking for the next fix. once mum and dad were manipulated again enough to give in and give her money allegedly for shopping and then seeing an instant reaction a few hours later of happiness and light. A vicious circle begins again.

Am I right in saying I dont want to hear no more, ive picked up enough pieces of this, ive seen enough arguments caused in my own family this christmas through this, its time to say enoughs enough.

Colin

Colin

Can relate but the problem was drink in this case and there does does come a time when you think enough is enough.

Good Luck in whatever action you may decide on but never feel guilty it 's not your doing.

Frances

Hear hear Colin.I have troubles with my son (not the same as your sisters)but very disturbing and so far have not spoken to him in over a week and his christmas pressie to me is still under the tree.The same goes for my other half.I dont care if i never speak to them again.Annie

Colin, I thank God I have no experience of the devastation drug addiction causes within a family.
But I have seen enough of it to know that nothing anyone else does can help until the addict decides to help themself.

I am sure you and family have done everything within your power to help already. That well-worn phrase 'tough love' may be very hard but maybe now it is the only thing to do,for all your sakes.

Rose xx

Hi Frances :)

Thank you for your reply, you have my sympathy also, Drink related problems are equally as bad. I feel at this moment that we can only try our best for so long or until it has such an effect on our own immediate families to the extent we ended up arguing amongst ourselves that time has come to say. lets keep ourselves together we can do no more then that.

COLIN,
EVERY THING BECOMES HARDER
AND HARDER

BUT WHAT YOUR FAMILY ARE GOING THROUGH,IS UNBEARABLE

Hi Colin

For the second year running I decided not to have anything to do with my brother.

I was easier this year than last. Some of the family were saying 'He's all his own at Christmas' and my answer was, which shocked them all, 'Well you bl**dy well have him then'

Needless to say they all went in and 'shut their front doors'.

It will get easier.. but I do feel for you.

Linda

Hi Annie, Rose, Gwen and Linda :)

Sorry to hear some of you have had problems also. I dont think those that do this to us understand the feeling it leaves us all with, whilst they walk about today as though nothing has happened, we all walk about feeling exhausted and drained.

It just cannot carry on like this for me any longer. I felt so angry at times at christmas seeing about 7 family members and their families have their christmas ruined by this, I have asked for this particular sister not to even be anywhere near me should i decied to vist, many of the family are of the same opinion so no problem there with the visting but arrangements will now have to be made with the others before I go there.

Colin, having seen someone I know go through similar only the girl did the deed without warning her parents, I can only sympathise and hope your sister one day realises she has to accept the rehab help and stay strong enough to kick the habit for ever. I feel for your parents but can also completely understand your own feelings too.
I am coping with something similar altho on a much smaller scale thank goodness and this will be the year I walk away.
Good luck to you and your family and hope the New Year brings better things for you all.
Lizx

Colin, so sorry your parents had this to contend with at Christmas. It seems your sister was trying emotional blackmail. But parents wont take the risk that she is serious. Obviously she needs professional help, but she has to decide that for herself. I have had no dealings with drug users/addicts, but I assume that once they need a fix that is all they can see so that is not the time to reason with them. Is anyone able to reason with her when she is lucid?

I would say that you must put your own family first, you have children, they are your first responsibility as well as Hayley and your grandchild. I think you have tried to help and now it is your family's time for a bit of peace and you have no need to feel guilty. You will 'feel' for your parents but they too must make their own decisions. Such a shame for them at any time of year but Christmas is worse.

(((hugs)))

Ann
Glos

Hi Liz

Sorry to hear about the girl who went through with it, that is also a terrible thing for those poor parents to have to go through. Drug addiction or drink addiction can leave so many mental scars to so many people. I can understand mum and dads love and wishing but its been going on and off for twenty years or more now with this. They will always be parents no matter what. I felt so bad over this on what could possibly be mums last christmas and should have been one of the best and that was destroyed by such a selfish act.

Hi Ann

I think you hit the nail right on the head with the risk, its always that risk fear that ends up in the giving in, that and the tears and manipulation of it all. Parents seem to see only the very good side on occassions rather then what we see a little more of as sisters, brothers and friends , we can see what is about to happen as we have seen it so many times before in the past.

Although I feel sorry for the situations as a whole and really want for my sister to become clean, inside I have seen it so many times that it hurts me to see the family have to go through all of it over and over to. My sister has reverted back within hours of coming out of rehab on so many occasions now and admits she doesnt want help, its easier to get the fix she needs.

Colin, the girl in question was found dead on Christmas morning after she didn't turn up at her Mum's house! She was only in her late twenties and I am not sure if it was accidental or on purpose but needless to say, their memories at Christmas are very sad and every year there is a piece in the memorial column of the local paper.

It is a shame your sister is not embracing the rehab in the way she should and is taking the place of someone who could use it and change their lives. If she choses not to try to break the habit, I feel she should not be helped any more, but obviously your parents find it hard to make that choice when she emotionally blackmails them. I hope this isn't your Mum's last Christmas, and a miracle happens to keep her with you all and for your sister to change her ways.
Lizxx

Colin I think the time has come for you to consider your own family. I understand it will be hard but you can't live your life like that. When she feels she wants fo give up she will but don't hold your breath as it may not happen. I think it was so brave of you to write about it - but then writiing helps.
Jill xx

Hi Dee, my lad began to have problems with gambling and got into debt after losing his rent money a few times and gambling back any good sums he won. He got more into gambling instead of just the odd lottery ticket when he started working as a trainee manager in a bookies!! He finally realised he had to do something and has been attendign GA for more than a year now. I am very proud of him for dealing with it in this way, he won't even buy a lottery ticket now and won't do a survey if there is a prize attached, so is really sticking to the rules, thank heavens.
I am so sorry your son hasn't been able to do the same and things have become so difficult for all of you. Well done, for realising it wasn't you who made him gamble and that he has to take responsibility for his own life. Very hard to see our young people struggle and go astray but we do what we can for them when they need us, there comes a time to say No.
My o.h.'s step brother has the same problem and his second wife has left him, after he stole her jewellery and pawned it, and stole or borrowed money off her.
Stay strong and I hope one day you will get your son back safely and without the problems he has now.
Lizxx

Sorry you have had such a bad time lately Colin.

I agree with tough love.................it stopped my husband drinking years ago... after 3 years of alcoholism.. ....without it he wouldn't be alive today.

Your parents, by giving her money are not actually helping her at all, just making it easier for her to stay an addict.........but I do sympathise with them.

Addiction of one family member has a ripple effect that affects the whole extended family..................only the addict themselves can stop it, sadly many never manage to get clean, but drag their family down with them.

xx

So sorry to hear about your family problems Colin. Does sound like your sister doesn't want to be helped, so there's nothing really you can do.

Be there for your parents and go with whatever your heart is telling you to do. I'm sure that you will come to the right decision, whatever it may be.

Hope that 2008 will be good to you.

Colin - l am so sorry this is happening to you and your family, especially your parents, they have enough to deal with.
You just never know what goes on behind closed doors.
As others on here have said your parents must try not to give in to her, as hard as that would be.
You're all in my thoughts.
Take care.

jude sarf wales xxxx

Hi Liz , Jill, Dee, Kitty, Maggy :)

Liz,

That is so sad. The pain those poor parents must go through every Christmas :(
Thank you for the goodwill wishes for Mum.

Jill
You are absolutely right. I have a lovely caring direct family who are very close amongst ourselves.

Dee.

Sorry to hear that your family have been affected by addiction to, Gambling itself can bring so much loss and heartache and very hard to break the habit.
I fully undertand what you are saying about those phone calls, and the echo that can go round a room full of people when they say, What do they want now.

Wishing you strength also in the times ahead and hopefully a genuine turn around in the time to come also.

Kitty,

Sending you some positve thoughts and prayers today that all continues to go well for you and your family. You have my respect for your strength and commitment to your family.

Maggy

Thank you for your support, I agree, Help has been offered so many time in the past that a time must come when the support for those in the family who need it is the priority, my own included :)

I would also like to thank those who have messaged me on this, It has been good to chat about things and air them a little.

You all have my respect and best wishes for the future, wherever that may lead.

Best Wishes

Colin :):)

Hi Jude :)

Sorry I missed you coming in there whilst I was catching up with the typing :) I hope you are well.

Thanks, You are right as well of course. :)