General Chat

Has anyone reached a point where they've had to tell their family that they can no longer continue to share all their grievances against one another?

Did that 20yrs ago when my dad died Bec, was sick of their self pity, Wendy.xx

Wendy - I just don't think I can take anymore. All I get is everyone's problems... I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm glad my parents feel they can talk to me but I don't want to know what's going wrong in their marriages, how stressed out they are etc. i have enough problems of my own... Just really don't know what to do...

Snap Bec. xx

Bendy - What can you do?

tell them u have enough emotionmal baggage of your own to carry and can't possibly manage theirs as well xxxx

The ironic thing is that after saying I don't want to hear any more of the self inflicted marriage 'problems' I have become the bad beggar, lol. Still - if they aint speaking to you, they aint moaning to you!!

Just tell them that you love them dearly, but they have to sort out their own problems like grownups, and not to put the pressure on you. Good luck, Jim

Bec, I am the youngest of 6 and everytime there was a problem they came to me, when my dad died all they were bothered about was because they had not been down they totally excluded me. I had enough and just told them that i had enough of my own worries and it was time they learnt to sort out their own lives. That is what you should do Bec, At first they didnt like it but after a short while they realised they had been taking me for granted and now we get on much better. Sorry its a bit long but you seem like a smashing young lady this is the advice i would give my kids try it love Wendy.xx

Thanks Shelli, Jim and Wendy I sometimes wish I wasn't as strong as I am. I seem to have put myself forward as the natural support for everyone...

Thanks Wendy It's hard, I'm 22 and an adult... but I'm still their child and I'd love to be treated as that every now and again. I'm too young to be taking on their problems. becx

There comes a point when it has to stop though Bec - it takes a big toll on people to be the emotional support on a permanent basis.

Bendy is right Bec, I did it for years you have to stop it now and enjoy your youth Wendy.xx

I've had to explain to my mother that her relationship problems with my father are very private between them - there are some things a daughter does NOT need to be told. Although I am getting a bit long in the tooth my dad is still my dad and I don't want to hear him being pulled apart several times a day.

Bendy - I want to help them... but don't think I physically can anymore... I'm running out of positive things to say...

You just have to take the bull by the horns and tell them how you feel.

Bec, what can i add - think everyones said it. Its time they realised that you have your own life and problems and that youre not their agony aunt -btw are you getting a nice tan?

Sheila - the tan is good considering I'm only here 4 days and have been in a car for most of it! As for this mess... there is nothing I'd rather do right now then just disappear... no mobile or email... just not be there... so they can sort their own problems out and I can focus on me... unfortunately that's not possible...

Bec You're too young to have to shoulder their probs. They shouldn't do that to you, they're being very selfish & not grown up at all. Try to keep a bit more emotional distance if you can, the last thing you want is to be seen to be taking sides cos then that will make life very hard for you. Wendy, I think it sounds like your family are identical to mine! All mine care about is themselves, even though we have just lost our Mum it's still 'me ,me, me' as far as they're concerned. I'm sick of their self-pity when they couldn't even be bothered with Mum even when she was dying. They will have to live with that, when my conscience is clear. Good luck Bec, put your foot down!! Joan x

Look at it from a different angle..... Imagine that you have one arm outstretched straight in front of you and in your hand you have a glass which is half full of water. That water represents all the stresses that you have going on in your life - yours and what everyone else has burdened you with. Now, that half glass of water isn't very heavy at all is it? You sip a bit, then top it up occasionally, but when you've been holding it for say, an hour, your arm starts to ache...(bear with me here), after 4 hours your arm is killing you - but you hang onto it - because you feel you ought to. When you've held it like that for a long long time and its being topped up you get to the stage where you cannot hold it anymore and the whole thing smashes to the ground. So where does that leave you? Ill and exhausted and feeling guilty because you couldn't cope. And thats how stress works - this may be long winded but believe me its a very good model - please for your own sake tell them that they must use their friends or professional help as you cannot cope with it. Good luck and thanks for bearing with me. Lucy x