General Chat

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My brother (16) lives with my Dad and Stepmum and has done for 3 years now. Unfortunately it's now making him very unhappy. My Dad and SM argue all the time, often go days without speaking to each other and frequently badmouth my Mother (they even have a nickname for her!) in front of my brother. As I see it, my brother is still a child and his happiness should be paramount... yet my Dad and Stepmum seem to think their relationship and subsequent happiness/unhappiness is more important. He's tried to talk to them but is told that he has a very good life and should put up with occasional problems (they're more than occasional)... they refuse to see that what they're doing is destructive. Realistically he can't move back to my Mum's, she likes her life as it is and would have no time for a teenage boy... so this has left me thinking... would it be better all round if he moves to Essex and lives with me?

Oh Bec, a tough one. Being responsible for a teenager is no easy thing, and it could spoil the relationship you have with your brother,. It really depends on how miserable he is with Dad and S/mum, if it really is too much for him maybe you need a trial run at it. However it may well be worth you having a chat with your Dad to let him know just how much it is all getting to Gav...especially the comments about his mum. Good luck whatever you decide. Yvette

Bec, that would be a big responsiblity for you. Not that you wouldn't be capable of handling it, it just that a teenager can be difficult sometimes no matter how good they are normally. Just weigh the pros and cons and go with your heart. Set some ground rules and stick to them. You know, curfews, school, responsiblilities around your place etc. Good luck and go with whats best for the both of you. Debxxx

Hi Bec... Maybe you could suggest that he comes and stops with you for a month.. This way.. you would both be able to see if you having him around, and vice versa works! Tough call really, as much as I love my Brother Pete, I dont think I could live with him... I wish you both the best.. whatever the outcome Maz x

Thanks Yvette, xxxx I do need to speak to Dad, it's just so frustrating... he tends to play the victim card. I find it so INCREDULOUS that he doesn't not see my brother as his focus! He's still a baby (well a teenager....) and needs to be their priority! I get very angry at both my parents and my sister for being so selfish and disregarding his happiness! Becx

Sounds good Bec, but are you prepared to mother a teenage boy with all the problems teenagers have? You're hardly out of your teens & so may be able to empathise but will he listen to what you say. I think it's time for two lists of positives & negatives, being very honest with yourself. I also think you are a smashing sister to even think of it. Good luck Vivienne

I have four step kids, we have good releationship, have had two living with us for various long periods in the past. I would and still don't ever discuss their mum in front of them (actually see her every saturday and we are good mates as it can be). So dad and Stepmum are wrong doing that. However seeing a teenager and living with one can be totally different. I think maybe a month in the summer hols is a good idea.......as for him to change where he lives and his life wont be easy for him. Even the best of blood parents can have a rocky road with teenagers, and any kid will tell the story as they see it. Unless his life is totally unbearable he may be best to stay as he hasn't long untill he is at an age he can map his own life. Also it could be if he does come Bec......and it is difficult....it could ruin what you have with him now. Or if you don't cope and he has to go back, it could cause you guilt and him resentment. So think carefully. Sorry for the book, my stepkids range from 26 -35yrs...and the youngest was 2yrs old when I came in to her life, so I know how hard the whole situation can be. Good luck what ever you choose to do XX

Thanks everyone Hopefully I can speak to Dad and try and get him to see the real situation. Apart from the responsibilty of raising a teenager... there's also the financial implications. I'd have to get a bigger place and would need my Dad to give me some sort of allowance to cover his needs. It's all very frustrating as my Mum lives a couple of miles away from me in a 4 bedroom Townhouse with her fiance.

you really are a lovely young lady. bryan.

Realistically (and selfishly) him living with me has the potential to go all wrong. I will ring my Dad later and try to explain things to him. I'm just getting very sick of being the go-between... especially when we're supposed to be adults! Thank you all for your advice, there's so much to consider and so much at stake... Anyone got a magic wand? Becx

Bec it's natural to want to help your brother but I'm not sure him living with you permanently is the answer and agree with what others have said. I have a 17 year old son (as you know) and although I wouldn't swap him for the world, I wouldn't wish him and his teenage habits/hormones/washing etc on anyone else for too long. However, we all need a bolthole from time to time and it sounds as though that's what he needs occasionally and you could provide it. I would also explain to your parents why you and he feel this is necessary. Don't forget what being a teenager is like though. Not wishing to offend any teenagers on here, I well remember it and thought I was the centre of the universe and the slightest thing my parents said or did could upset me. It never occured to me that my presence and moods might affect their relationship. So, lovely though he is, he may well be causing problems for them and at the end of the day, he will leave home in the next few years and they will still have to live together. Hope that makes sense? Daisy

Daisy - yes it does. And from spending a week with him in Rome, I know he has the potential to drive any normal person MAD! I just feel very helpless right now, he rings me in tears and there's nothing I can do to help him. Unfortunately both my parents have become very selfish and seem to have forgotten he's still a child! I know he's annoying at times... and slams doors etc but he's reached the point of blaming himself for all the tension/bad feeling in the home... and it's not his fault. Will try and speak to Dad, I just know he hates being criticised (like father like daughter!) but he needs to realise how upsetting this situation is. Thanks again Becx

Bec Can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but hope you sort it soon. Jxx

Thanks Julie... don't suppose you know where I can acquire a Magic Wand from? lol xx

Bec, I think that if your brother was living with you and in full time education, you would be able to claim child allowence for him, just as your dad would do now. Technically at 16 your brother could leave home if he wanted to but couldn't get a loan or morgage until 18. If he's sitting GCSE's this year then a move may not be the best time to move to another school but he is old enough to make his own choices. May be he could come and stay with you for a few weeks in the holidays and see how it goes (I know it would be cramped but short term as a trial run may be it would work) What ever happens I hope things work out for you all

Can't you get your mother involved, afterall he is her responsibility aswell, she cannot just wash her hands of him. Maybe she should be talking to your Dad about a solution.

Thanks Lunar. If he was to move in with me then I would expect both my parents to provide completely for his financial wellbeing and towards a larger flat. I just get SOOOOO angry! They both said that when they separated (and consequently divorced) that they'd make sure we were as unaffected as possible. Yet now it seems they've both found new lives and are more concerned with their new OHs than their children. My sister and I may be adults now, and brother a teenager, but we will always be their children and they need to realise that! Sorry for ranting, am just so sick of this, I've had over 12 years of covering up my parents' mistakes and caring for my siblings! Becx

Ann - I wish. After being apart for 12 years they still HATE each other. They're more interested in scoring points against each other and being hurtful then caring for their childrens' welfare! Mum's happy with her new quiet life with her fiance. Dad's too concerned with his new wife than his son. Feel like I'm the only one who really cares about him sometimes!

bec hes lucky to hav a sister as nice as u good luck with watever u do lou xx