General Chat

Have just found out that my (ex) father in law probabably has about a year left if less. He's in his 80's and suffers with kidney problems, was offered dialasis, but refused due to the strain of going to the hospital for 6 hrs a day.My daughter Amy (9) will be devestated as she's very close to him, i obviously haven't said anything to her, but I'm dreading the moment when it comes.Never had to deal with this situation before. It will break my heart as she loves him so much.

So sorry to hear this. I would have thought the hospital would be able to put you in touch with a councellor who is trained to deal with this type of thing. There must be advice of some sort to be had to help her come to terms with it. Gloria (((x)))

So sorry to hear your situation. Talk to your health visitor - they should have some useful info x

That is a hard one depends a lot on the child. My two were 9 and 7 when their Grandad died. They knew Grandad was very poorly but we didn't mention death till it happened. Then their daddy told them. Can't advise just be there with the hugs. So sorry. Germaine x

there is a wonderful charity called Winstons Wish - which deals with this - they have a website.

Catherine, I am so sorry to hear your news. I too would recommend the site Sheila mentioned. My children were 10, 6 & 3 when their Daddy died. He had been ill for six years. I was so shocked when my eldest told me 6 months before he died that she knew her Daddy was going to die. Children are a lot more knowledgeable than we think. They just dont open up like some adults. Go to the mentioned site, and if you need anyone to talk to please ask . Jenny. x

Had to explain my dad's illness and death to my daughter when she was 5. The best thing is to be completely honest, explain that he is very poorly, in the simplest terms, and prepare her for that awful time in advance. I think it is awful for children if they feel they are being kept in the dark. When my dad did die, she coped really well, and we talked about all the positive things in his life and what a wonderful person he was, and that he was no longer in pain or feeling so very ill. I'm sure your daughter, at 9, will cope better than you think. Children can always see the light at the end of the tunnel. Very best wishes for you all.xxx

I used books with my children have sent you a pm Julia

please tell her the truth. my gran died when i was small and noone told me she was ill untill she had gone.. i wish i had known the truth,i would have spent more time with her and made sure that every time i left her ,i told her how much i LOVED her .she was the best gran ever. my childerns grt gran is 92 yrs old and as fit as a fiddle but my children ( 12.9.8) all know that she could go at any time. i just told them that soon she would be a star in the sky (when it happens pick the biggest star ) and she would be looking down on them always, and that if they ever needed to talk to her,just to look up at the sky and talk away

Thanks Claire That's a nice thing to say.Thanks to everyone who responded.xx

I'm so sorry Catherine. Being such a little girl, it will be hard for her. Sheila's advice sounds good. My mother died at home when my youngest was only eleven or twelve. It was such a long illness, that we did not have to talk to him. He was there and experienced the whole thing at first hand. In fact Catherine, he handled it far better than I. You will do the right thing for your daughter. Who knows her better than you? God bless, Deanna X

As claire said when it does happen tell her he will be a star in the sky as well as the biggest also pick the brightest. I lost my grandad last year he was 86 fit as a fiddle but was run down by a car and died from his injuries, I had to tell my 3 kids ( 8,6,4) what had happened because they always seen him, It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, At the moment I am in the middle of trying to prepare them about my mum who is in intensive care and who might not pull through, I dont think there is anyway to explain this but I do know it's one of the hardest things ever for a child to understand hold her tight keep her close and listen to her questions.

Oh Sharron, that is so sad. I'm sorry. Deanna X

hi sharon so sorry to hear of your mum, hope she pulls though, sending all my love her way i am not looking forward to the day i have to tell my children but i always think that if you tell them the truth from the start them your part way there when it happens here hopeing that both our days(of tell our children) are a long long way off. love and hope for your mum. claire

That is sad news,- I'm sorry. When my brother was dying of cancer 13 years ago, my younger daughter was 11. We thought we were protecting her when we chose to visit him without her but she asked why she couldn't visit too. We explained that he was very ill, - which she knew already, and looked rather different to how she remembered him but the next time she visited too and was completely natural with him. Last month we had a phone call to say that my mum was not expected to last the weekend. Although she was old, this was a complete shock but we visited as a family, including my 10 years old grandson, who also wanted to be able to say 'Goodbye'. Only you know your child but fear of the unknown is sometimes more frightening for a child than to be included in family knowledge and visits.

Catherine Try Winstons Wish or Cruise Bereavemnet - they can both supply leaflets on how to disvuss with children long term ill health and what death means. Both were brilliant when my brother died leaving three small children. Winstons Wish is aimed specifically at children and has some very good 'projects' to do with a child to help them, like creating a 'special memories box' or memory aids to help them remember things about their loved one. Perhaps these are things she can do with her grandad whilst she has time left - they could spend time talking with each other about their favourite times together and she can put a memory jogger in a box e.e. if they had a great trip to the seaside she can find a seashell or draw a picture of him paddling. Zoe

I had to with my children, I would start with telling her that Grandad is very ill and see where it leads. She may well say will he get better/will he die, which can lead on to you telling her. My daughter was 7 and my son 10 when their grandmother was operated on for Ovarian cancer, my son didnt say or ask anything, but with my daughter through her questionning after telling her Nanny was having an operation, she asked so many questions and found out about the facts of life that way. I told her we hoped the hospital would make nanny better, but we didnt know for sure. After the op, we were told by the hospital that all was well, so we shared this with the children. Sadly this wasn't the case and three weeks later I had to tell them that Nanny was going to die, that was so hard, but at least I hadnt given them force promises at the onset. A lot of hospitals and hospices now have childrens counselling for bereavement.

Thanks Maureen and Zoe. I will have a talk to her about the fact he is poorley and maybe see where it goes from there. I might get her to make a picture frame this weekend with a picture of them in it.My health visitor is coming next week for my son's 18-24 month review so I might mention it to her. Thankyou everyone I feel so much better about things. xxxxx

Hi Catherine. You have my sympathy. My husband died when my son was only 11 - same thing, kidney failure, he had a transplant, but rejected the kidney and was diabetic. The best advice you could get would be from an organisation called CRUSE, they are fantastic, they helped me a great deal as regards myself but also my son. Thinking of you all. Stella xx

Catherine they only thing I can say is be open and honest with her. our eldest was 6 when her granny died, I used to drop hubby and FiL off at hospital and I never visited or took the children. They told us on the Tuesday she would be home by Friday and on the Friday she died. My daughter took it badly and we then had a year or so of her having trouble with her bowel and ending up wearing pull ups at school. When FiL went into hospital for routine op daughter asked to go to hospital evening before with hubby and took him a card. Things went wrong and he ended up in ICU. Wasn't a nice sight but daughter wanted to see him and we asked nurses and they were really good with her (she was 9) and she accepted his death more than her grans and I think it was because we listened to her and she saw him at the end. Son took one look and wouldn't go back was too upsetting. Daughter went with hubby to say last goodbye when we knew they were gonna turn the machine off and the two of them then spent time by the hospital lake talking about him and as his bed was by a window facing the lake daughter even told hubby how he would get to heaven out the window and watch the swans on the lake as he went. Think you have to go with what she wants even if it seems strange to you their little minds work differently to ours. Daughter insisted that the get well card she had made went with grandad so the undertakers put it in his inside pocket so it was by his heart for her. Hope you find the right way to deal with it . dawnie x p.s sorry for waffling