General Chat

Hi Catherine. Sorry about your sad news. I also had to explain to my children about the death of their mother. Mine were a little older 7..9...10..12. There mum ( my wife ) died in 1991 of Cancer, and they saw her at her worst, so it made it a little easier to explain to them along the way before she died. After she passed away....i took them all to our local doctor, who had been treating my wife for the past 7 years, and to-gether we explained things to them about death, and why there mum had died. It was good therapy, and they adjusted quite well. That was my way of handling it, and it also helped me as well. Cheers. Tony Oz

MY son was 6 when we found out his beloved granddad had lung cancer and I answered anything he asked about things. When dad died in the local hospice I took my son to see him and he was fine, asking the nurse why granddad had his mouth open and things like that. He took everything in his stride and went with my mum and me to the Chapel of Rest to say goodbye too. I just explained that as granddad's body had become too worn out and poorly for him to stay with us (he was 79), the part of him that was really granddad had gone to a nice place where he would be comfortable and not in pain anymore, and that the old body was not needed any more so it would be cremated. My son was fine and was happy to talk about my dad with my mum and with me, and remember the happy and funny times we had enjoyed together. When my mum died suddenly from a heart attack (her third) my son was 13 and coped well once again. So long as you don't say things like they have gone to sleep or such, there won't be a scary mystery about death and your children will cope. You can tell them that it is ok to cry and that adults cry too, but that the person you love is always a part of them and what they had in love and memories will never be gone.

We're in that kind of situation now. I have 2 kids, 7 and 4. My sister's husband has advanced cancer. He's relatively young and they live close by. I've had a few conversations with my kids so far, firstly explaining that he is very, very ill. When they got used to that idea I extended it by saying that everyone hopes he will get better but that not everyone who has cancer does get better so we all have to keep our fingers crossed. I've also said that even if he doesn't get better he can still enjoy the time he has with us and we must make sure that he does. Its hard to get the right balance - being honest without scaring them, or worse still them coming out with the wrong comment in front of the sick person (depending on how much they know and accept themselves). I have made a point of answering straight questions with straight answers, pitched to their level of understanding. But I have never made any promises that he will get through it and never pretended. If I don't know the answer to something I say so. When I was young my older cousin developed aggressive leukaemia and then died. My parents had not told me that he had cancer as they didn't think I'd cope. Actually, though I would have been upset either way, I felt betrayed that I'd not known and it took me a long time to get over his death. Which is why I strongly believe honesty is best, though it may make us uncomfortable. Angela

Catherine, I was thinking of you on the train home from work and remembered a little thing we do with my neice's and nephew since their daddy died that may help you know how your daughter feels whilst granddad's ill. We have a little box we keep on the shelf in the living room. The kids know that if they're feeling sad or lonely or get that scared feeling they can't explain or their belly is full of butterflies and tehy don't know why they can go and pick up the box and hold it to their heart because it was a gift that daddy left them. It's really comforting for them and also helps us see when thy're struggling to cope with stuff they don't really understand. The box has this message written on it (perhaps grandad could give her her box) Here is a very precious gift That you can never see. the reason it's so special is It's just for you from me. Whenever you are lonely Or feel a little blue You only have to hold this gift To know I think of you. You neve should unwrap it Leave the ribbon tied Just hold the box close to your heart It's filled with LOVE inside

im sorry to hear that, yes we dealt with it our kids were 2 and 8 when mum died, my daughter was really close to mum, mum worshipped the ground she walked on, in fact she looked after her for week while we moved house, and in that time told my daughter that a song on radio was for her from nana, the song was pretenders,- ill stand by you, that was the august, we didnt know that mum would leave us christmas eve, my daughter was as were we all devestated, id say tell your 9 year old, explain to her that you all have a special time with grandad, and then shell have lovely memories, and chance to say what she needs

Hi Catherine My dad has not gone yet, but as no-one knows when the moment will come I bought an excellent book to put by for when the time comes. You should be able to order it from WH Smiths. Remembering Grandad by Gianni Padoan ISBN 0-85953-311-5 This book is in the Facing up to series, about facing up to life's issues, and other titles are Break-Up, Danger Kid and Follow My Leader. Hope this helps. Dianne xx

Thanks everyone some very moving stories. She's at that age where she is discovering and asking questions. She asked me what Rape was a few months ago and I did't know what to tell her, about something so horrible. before she's had chance to know what the birds and bees are. I bought her a book at christmas called let's talk about sex. It's very good and I showed it to her. i said I would leave it on the bookcase if she ever wants to look at it (trying to be casual). A couple of weeks ago i found it under the couch. So she had looked at it. So with this and now the berevement talk (at some point) I'll be grey by the time I'm 40.(and that's this year.) Thankyou to everyone that has replied to my thread. Your all great. x

I recently asked mum why she took six months to mention that my father had died when I was aged 7. She said it was because she was afraid she would show she was upset about it........... This experience took me about 25 years to get over. I knew dad had been rushed into hospital and I had gone to gran's.....then mum came and collected me and we went home. I asked about dad and she said something to cover up the situation......I asked a few more times.....she kept covering.........Eventually I stopped asking...........................In the end she only told me because someone else in the family was so angry that I didn't know, they threatened to talk to me behind mum's back............. I don't blame mum for all this (any more) - but I would say, please tell children what is happening......they are far more resilient than you think - and don't be afraid of your own emotions - if you cry....so what?? You are upset and it's not bad for them to know that. You must not be afraid of them feeling upset too....... I know we all want to protect our children, but the suffering can be just as bad through not knowing things..... Merry

My neice has lost both her grandparents on her mothers side, both before she was 8. Her mother (my s-in-law) is what i can only desribe as a 'happy clappy christian' ( hope that does offend anyone, its just a description) and when to great lengths to 'explian everything' to Alice, half of which the child stood no chance of being able to understand - she did what she thought was right i guess but.... My neice now comes out with profound statements, that to be honest i find disturbing- too much ,too deep for a child. What i would say is talk, answer what is asked, but dont try and fill in the gaps, curiosty will do that - she ask again if she wants to know, if the subjest isnt taboo. there are times when to a child the truth isnt the best course of expanation ,like the Q ''where do babies come from?'' You tell them waht they need to know , when they need to know it. If a child doesnt attend a funeral i cannot see why they need to know the ins and outs of cremation V buriel etc. Jess x

Sorry to hear your sad news Catherine.... A young girl who had been at the same school as my children was killed in an accident last year and I openly told them what had happened to her and that she was now at peace. They still talk about her openly and will ask if I think she is in heaven etc. If your daughter and her grandad are very close, how would you or him feel about it being Grandad having a wee chat to her. If he can be brave and put on a brave face and show her that he isnt scared it might make it a wee bit easier for her to know that when it happens that Grandad will still be happy etc. I honestly dont know if that would work or not - just a thought off the top of my head really. I hope the site that has been mentioned already will give you some help and inspiration. My thoughts and best wishes are with you at this very difficult time x x x

My grandson age 8 wanted to know about cremation,,,very difficult but i managed and he must have been satisfied with the answer.

Catherine they only thing I can say is be open and honest with her. our eldest was 6 when her granny died, I used to drop hubby and FiL off at hospital and I never visited or took the children. They told us on the Tuesday she would be home by Friday and on the Friday she died. My daughter took it badly and we then had a year or so of her having trouble with her bowel and ending up wearing pull ups at school. When FiL went into hospital for routine op daughter asked to go to hospital evening before with hubby and took him a card. Things went wrong and he ended up in ICU. Wasn't a nice sight but daughter wanted to see him and we asked nurses and they were really good with her (she was 9) and she accepted his death more than her grans and I think it was because we listened to her and she saw him at the end. Son took one look and wouldn't go back was too upsetting. Daughter went with hubby to say last goodbye when we knew they were gonna turn the machine off and the two of them then spent time by the hospital lake talking about him and as his bed was by a window facing the lake daughter even told hubby how he would get to heaven out the window and watch the swans on the lake as he went. Think you have to go with what she wants even if it seems strange to you their little minds work differently to ours. Daughter insisted that the get well card she had made went with grandad so the undertakers put it in his inside pocket so it was by his heart for her. Hope you find the right way to deal with it . dawnie x p.s sorry for waffling

Hi Catherine. You have my sympathy. My husband died when my son was only 11 - same thing, kidney failure, he had a transplant, but rejected the kidney and was diabetic. The best advice you could get would be from an organisation called CRUSE, they are fantastic, they helped me a great deal as regards myself but also my son. Thinking of you all. Stella xx

Thanks Maureen and Zoe. I will have a talk to her about the fact he is poorley and maybe see where it goes from there. I might get her to make a picture frame this weekend with a picture of them in it.My health visitor is coming next week for my son's 18-24 month review so I might mention it to her. Thankyou everyone I feel so much better about things. xxxxx

I had to with my children, I would start with telling her that Grandad is very ill and see where it leads. She may well say will he get better/will he die, which can lead on to you telling her. My daughter was 7 and my son 10 when their grandmother was operated on for Ovarian cancer, my son didnt say or ask anything, but with my daughter through her questionning after telling her Nanny was having an operation, she asked so many questions and found out about the facts of life that way. I told her we hoped the hospital would make nanny better, but we didnt know for sure. After the op, we were told by the hospital that all was well, so we shared this with the children. Sadly this wasn't the case and three weeks later I had to tell them that Nanny was going to die, that was so hard, but at least I hadnt given them force promises at the onset. A lot of hospitals and hospices now have childrens counselling for bereavement.

Catherine Try Winstons Wish or Cruise Bereavemnet - they can both supply leaflets on how to disvuss with children long term ill health and what death means. Both were brilliant when my brother died leaving three small children. Winstons Wish is aimed specifically at children and has some very good 'projects' to do with a child to help them, like creating a 'special memories box' or memory aids to help them remember things about their loved one. Perhaps these are things she can do with her grandad whilst she has time left - they could spend time talking with each other about their favourite times together and she can put a memory jogger in a box e.e. if they had a great trip to the seaside she can find a seashell or draw a picture of him paddling. Zoe

That is sad news,- I'm sorry. When my brother was dying of cancer 13 years ago, my younger daughter was 11. We thought we were protecting her when we chose to visit him without her but she asked why she couldn't visit too. We explained that he was very ill, - which she knew already, and looked rather different to how she remembered him but the next time she visited too and was completely natural with him. Last month we had a phone call to say that my mum was not expected to last the weekend. Although she was old, this was a complete shock but we visited as a family, including my 10 years old grandson, who also wanted to be able to say 'Goodbye'. Only you know your child but fear of the unknown is sometimes more frightening for a child than to be included in family knowledge and visits.

hi sharon so sorry to hear of your mum, hope she pulls though, sending all my love her way i am not looking forward to the day i have to tell my children but i always think that if you tell them the truth from the start them your part way there when it happens here hopeing that both our days(of tell our children) are a long long way off. love and hope for your mum. claire

Oh Sharron, that is so sad. I'm sorry. Deanna X

As claire said when it does happen tell her he will be a star in the sky as well as the biggest also pick the brightest. I lost my grandad last year he was 86 fit as a fiddle but was run down by a car and died from his injuries, I had to tell my 3 kids ( 8,6,4) what had happened because they always seen him, It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, At the moment I am in the middle of trying to prepare them about my mum who is in intensive care and who might not pull through, I dont think there is anyway to explain this but I do know it's one of the hardest things ever for a child to understand hold her tight keep her close and listen to her questions.