General Chat

My father (aged 96) recently decided to go into a nursing home -

He is mentally very alert but has become increasingly frail physically and, after a series of falls, decided he was too much of a “burden” – his word not ours – on us and his friends and neighbours. His need for nursing care has also increased following a spell in hospital. It’s working out well, so far. His room is large with plenty of space for the things he wanted to take with him. He looks out over open country and has seen many birds, badgers and foxes. He has his own bookcase filled with his favourite books and we’ve bought him a mini stereo system for all his tapes and CDs. The staff are very attentive and friendly. Meanwhile we are faced with the task of sorting out his house; of unravelling the strands of the life he had there with my mother and for the 8 years since her death. He and my mother always wanted us to live in the house that they had built when they moved here to teach in the 1950s. I haven’t decided whether I can live there yet but, whatever happens, we have to sort through 50 years of memories and possessions. How do I decide what to keep and what has to go? We have been spending hours there going through papers, boxes, books, folders and photographs. I have uncovered some real treasures – his WW2 medals, army pay book, letters from “lost” relatives and hundreds of photos. There is stuff I remember from both sets of grandparents’ homes – china, pictures, nick knacks, and items of furniture. Dad has said to “throw the lot out”. But I can’t do that. But in our own house I have 30 years worth of similar stuff and I can’t keep everything. Some evenings it feels like I’m intruding into their lives and their privacy. I have found a box full of letters that they wrote to each other during the war. To read them would be an intrusion, yet I cannot bring myself to throw them away. How have others dealt with this sort of situation? Gwynne

You have eloquently put into words what my Sis and I are going to have to face when we can bear to............we are putting off the day until we feel emotionally able to deal with everything that has to be done........ We look at our homes and are beginning to be ruthless in getting rid of that which is no longer necessary to our lives.......we also have ornaments and things which mean something to us, but will they mean the same to our children....I doubt it......

really feeling for boyh of you i cant imagine what that must feel like try and look upon it that this is all the happy times they spent mayby when your sorting through you will no what to keep xx

Whatever you do if you are able to leave it a while. Don't rush into it. I say this with what happened with my parents home. I had my Mum with me 12 month knowing she could never go home but couldn't bring myself to sell her home. In the end I had to as someone had tried to break in. Then I told my brother get what you want before it goes. ( he didn't then had the cheek (well his wife) to ask me where is this where is that!!!) I already had her little personal things in her room with me. And after getting no help from brother I just got a dealer in and got them to empty her house. It was awful and I had taken very little so as I couldn't be called after. The things that went is heartbreaking though they didn't have a lot it still was a shame. Luckily or could be said to unlucky she wasn't a hoarder so a lot of things (photo's / letters etc ) were already gone. Germaine x

Hi, The house needs rewiring plus some building work and OH has put flooring down in the attic. We are putting in boxes the stuff we want to keep and storing it up there for now. But there just isn't room for everything of theirs and ours. I don't want to leave an even bigger task for our son to have to deal with in future years. When we have finally sorted Dad's stuff I intend being very ruthless about what we take. But it is easier to get rid of our stuff than Dad's, if you see what I mean. Gwynne

Hi Germaine, It's because we don't want to get a dealer in just yet that we are up there most evenings trying to sort through what to keep. We don't want to leave the house empty for too long and the work required could take some months, anyway. But we really have to clear the decks - as Dad puts it. So far I have 'keep' 'maybe' and 'dump' piles and lists but the 'keep' pile is getting a bit out of hand. Gwynne

Know exactly what you mean Gwynne and sometimes it is the daftest little things that you keep. I open a drawer sometimes and see things think they are neither use nor ornament, but I can't part because they belong to my Mum and Dad. I feel I would be betraying them if I got rid of it. Not like my Mum (bless her soul) she would have took one look and out it would go.)LOL. Just pack what you can and wait till the time is right and you don't feel too emotional to do it. Hope you can manage OK Germaine x

Oh dear Gwynne, I really would not know what to do. I am such a hoarder anyway and l find it hard to part with lots of things of sentimental value. I would make your 'keep' pile as you are obviously putting stuff on there that holds some sentimental value for you. Then may be in a few days go through it again. You may be easier able to decide after a break which things are most valuable to you and which you are able to part with. Is there not anything that friends or family might like as a keepsake? That way you still get 'access' to the stuff without having to store it, plus someone else gets the pleasure too. Claire xx

Hi Claire, I'm an only child and all Dad's brothers and sisters have died. Mum's family are very unsentimental so wouldn't want anything. The decent furniture that we don't want we are offering to my son and g/f then the rest will go to the Cov charity that sets up homes for those in need. It's all the little things that are causing me heartache. Gwynne

I really feel for you Gwynne. Nothing much else I can say except take your time, no need to rush this and good luck with it all. Bev x

It is unbelievably difficult and probably why I have a house that is cluttered with hundreds of things I can’t let go, not always things I like but items that I know my mother in law treasured, that were dear to her but just did not have room for when she went into a home. I suppose we were lucky in a way that we weren’t solely responsible for the task of clearing her house (also one that they moved into as newly-weds) My brother in law and his wife were ‘on the spot’ and lived in the neighbourhood so took on a lot of the responsibility for disposing of the larger furniture but it was the nick knacks that my sister in law would never have made house room for that I brought back here by the box load rather than have them dumped, which would have been their fate. Perhaps I am too sentimental but the fact that when she wonders ‘what happened to…?’ I can truthfully say ‘I’ve got that’ and on one or two occasions have been able to take her things that she decided she would like to have with her or has remembered with fondness. It makes her happy to believe she has a ‘custodian’ for her past life. I sometimes wish I could be more hard hearted and get rid of all the things I don’t really need or want but it’s not in me to do that while she’s alive and, besides, some of her ‘treasures’ are becoming my treasures too. I watched as her home lost all its personality and became more of a house again with every box that was packed. I stood in each room, feeling sadness for the era gone. I know what a difficult task lies ahead of you and I can offer no real advice at all about coping or what to do, somehow you manage to do the right thing and I’m sure you will let your heart rule your head where it matters and your head rule the line between what does and what doesn’t. I wish you luck. Love and hugs Mags xxx

Very difficult decisions Gwynne. I remember that my mother had kept all the letters my father had sent her during WW2. She died, and the letters stayed in the cupboard. Then my father died. I took the letters home with me. I was tempted to read them but felt I would have been intruding. One day I wrapped them carefully and put them out in the rubbish. ... :-) Joy

Thanks, Bev, Joy, that's what I think I will do eventually, thanks. Mags, That's exactly it. But I have to let go. I don't think I could live in the house if it looked just as it did. I'd keep expecting to see my Mum in every room and I couldn't cope with that. We have to turn it back into a house then turn it into our home, with enough of Mum and Dad's things around for memories. And an attic bursting at the seams. Or we have to sell it which I'm not sure I could bear either but the nursing home costs nearly £500 a week so we have to be practical. We cannot afford to leave it too long. Son and g/f will move in here and pay rent which will help towards the fees. Gwynne

It must be a difficult situation to be in and any practical solutions just go out of the window when emotions are involved! In some ways I wish I had the same decisions to make. My step mother got rid of all of my Dad's things and we were never asked if would like anything other than a photo I had handed to me of my Grandparents as she said they were nothing to do with her. My mum just doesn't have anything. I do like the idea of the memory box attic. Jacky :-)

Gwynne, I think you should ask you dad if he minds you keeping all the personal items such as letters, photos, etc. Even if you won't read them they are an insight into times gone by and your son's children/grandchildren might find them fascinating. Things like that are little pieces of history. Rose

Thanks, everyone for the replies. I think I will keep the letters, the cards for their 'special' birthdays and anniversaries for now. I will also keep the letters and cards Dad received after Mum died. I haven't been able to read them but I hope to one day. The photos I will keep. I used to do fine embroidery and every year I made a picture for Mum which was framed and hung proudly on the wall. I think I will get rid of most of them. I made them for her and she is no longer here to enjoy them. The one I made for their Golden Wedding anniversary is on Dad's wall at the Grange. I'm off to the dentist now so the lack of my replies will be absence not rudeness. Thanks again, Gwynne

Gwynne, I haven't had to face this yet but remember my Mum doing it with her Dad's house. In her case keeping the house wasn't an option so she had to be quite particular about what she kept and what she passed on to the charity shops. She kept all the really personal things and all the grandchildren and great grandchildren chose things to keep as a personal memento. The other personal things for which there is no real room are in a fireproof box in the attic and I guess that will be my job one day along with all my parents things. Not sure what I'd do with love letters. I doubt I'd read them ever, too close to home, but don't know if I could throw them out, so I think I'd give them a box of their own for future generations to find. Less intrusive if read further down the line perhaps? Daisy

Recently been through all this as well. Found boxes of letters written during the war when Dad was in the RAF, can't bring myself to throw them out.. Also cards send for every Christmas and birthday from me... As an only child, it was all down to me to tidy it all up... The next generation are really not interested except for a few keepsakes... I am already decluttering my stuff...

Hi Gwynne, I feel for you, very dificult decisions to make. Can you try to move yourself a couple of generations away & imagine they are things belonging to your gt grandparents that you have just found. How excited you would be, & I'm sure you would in that instance want to read & learn about your ancestors & how they felt about each other. Your embroidery pictures I would take to your local auction house & ask their opinion. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much you could get for them. Sending you positive thoughts Vivienne xx