General Chat

Gwynne,It must be a huge task,I havent had to do this Yet,but you never know when that day will come,I hope you get things sorted. Roxanne x

I had this horrible task too - my father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I have my parents love letters but cannot bring myself either to read them or throw them out. My father was employed as a draughtsman in his early working life and kept many of his technical drawings - they were obviously important to him, so I have kept them. He also kept detailed household accounts for 53 years of marriage - I have kept them too, in the hope that some future generation will fall upon them with delight. I have left instructions in my Will that all this stuff (including his medals etc), if not wanted by the family, is to go to the local Archives, where I hope it will give someone the utmost pleasure in about 100 years! OC

Jean, My son has instructions that copies of my tree go to the various county family history societies and the bulk will go to the SOG. He's a bit interested, though, so may carry it on. Thanks again to everyone who has replied - it has helped. Gwynne

Gwynne, Isn't a problem. I had the same thing with my mother-in-law. I had to throw quite a lot away as I did not have space to keep it but some of the things were 'treasures' to her but meant nothing to my husband and his brothers. We finally managed to get it down to a manageable level. That was 13 years ago. Ever since I have gradually got rid of a few more bits and pieces and now all that remains is family memorabilia. I learnt a lesson from it though and have whittled my worldly goods down to as few as possible. I don't want my daughters put in a position where they have to decide what is worth saving and what isn't. I have told them both keep only the things you either need or want and dispose of the rest as you see fit. The one thing I would like them to save is the family tree but neither is interested. Perhaps I will leave all that info. to one of the grandsons who has shown a slight interest lol. Jean x.

NO WORDS - JUST SENDING YOU A HUG!! XX sorry bout caps!! xx

Hi Gwynne, You say that your Dad is still clear in the head and I see that you are doing what I would have done. Taking personal things to him a bit at a time and asking him what he'd like you to do with them. As for the letters, he might like to have them with him, but there again they could make him feel a bit sad. Ummm, very difficult - I don't envy your task. I'm an only child but haven't 'been there' yet. However, you've had some very sensible replies here. I wish you well, but sorry, I can't add anything that would really help you. Margaret

Hi, Thanks for all the lovely replies. I will keep his medals, of course and his army souvenirs. His medals have never been worn, other than when he received them, as he says the war should be forgotten, not remembered and glorified. I thought he'd thrown them out years ago as he had threatened to. Dad is from the East Coast and Mum from Wales so there is no other family here who could help, most of them are long gone anyway, and my cousins would not be interested. I came as rather a surprise and late in my parents' lives! My OH is being very supportive and says whatever I want is fine, but that's not always helpful. Our son has been helping a little but he works long hours and has just set up home with his g/f and has his own life to lead. He has helped his father taking the binliners full old old paperwork/teaching notes/magazines to the tip. I will take the advice about photos and go through them again, only keeping those with people on them. I've been taking them into Dad in batches asking who is who. I wish we had more time but we don't, we have to make sure there is enough money for the fees, and we either have to move into the house and rent ours or sell it. Thanks again, everyone, Gwynne

I could never sell my father's medals either - I intend to have them framed, along with a photo of him in uniform, a button and a metal shoulder bar. They are part of him. I also have the mementos and souvenirs he brought back from Italy, and the notebooks with recipes for ointments and potions. When I go (only child with no children of my own) his stuff is to go to RAMC museum, who tell me they will be pleased to have them and will look after them. Some of the other stuff, samples of old bills and cards etc, could form a collection and go the local ref library or CRO as a social history resource for future generations. That way, loved ones are remembered for ever, long after we've gone. Jay

Louise, I've just been reading through and I can't believe you,as a family historian said what you did. How could you suggest that Gwynne sell her fathers medals! I have some of my grandfathers medals & would love to find the others that my Gran had to sell when she needed the money. That is the one thing I would never sell unless I was desperate. Vivienne xx

It is a horrible decision to make Gwynne,something I had to do three years ago,when my Dad died. Although It was taken with our family. Most of the family were given 'keepsakes' too precious to just give away,and asked to choose something practical from Dad's home. I treasure his photograph album from when we were young, and from when he was in Army during WW2 in Eygpt and the Holy Land.Also his music and water colours he did, and plants from his garden(which are now thriving and give me a lot of pleasure.) Things that were left went to charity shops. We're trying to de-clutter our home now and let go of certain things. I once read If something isn't 'beautiful, useful or doesn't love you back you should let go of'. Do hope your Father is enjoying living in his new home Gwynne and has pleasant company( when he seeks it.) Mau XX

Gwynne i feel for you, not been there myself and not likely to be, but just wanted you to know im thinking of you it must be very heart wrenching take care xxLynnxx

Gwynne we had this with Steves parents. They died within 3 years of each other and in that time dad had moved from a bungalow to a flat so he had got rid of most thngs. In our loft we still have boxes of there stuff that haven't really been gone through. Steve suddenly sees something of theres a book or soomething small and says don't need that anymore so it goes. It will take time so if you can keep what you have on your keep and maybe pile and go through it over the next few years (yes I did say years) as your feelings may change. Photos his two sistters were having troubloe with and took an age over as each time a picture of a group came uup they were in floods. I then got the photos and any thing that didn't contain people I binned and being from Devon there were a lot of scenery photos which made the job for them a little less daunting as the piles were smaller. Some would say I was heartless doing that but something had to be done to get the piles down. My uncle gave me a bag of documents from my Gt grans and Gt aunts house, the things that were about the people they worked for I could read the ones that were to either of them even though they were what they had been left in the will etc I couldn't read as it was like an intrussion, I took the dad back to dads and he went through them. hope dentist went ok dxx

Gwyne I do feel for you having done this twice. Its an awful task. I would only say that if you can, dont rush it. Years later I still regret certain things that we gave or threw away. Having said that I still have loads of stuff in my loft that I cant throw away but will probably never ever see the light of day but which are just kept for sentimental reasons. Why do we do it? I dont know Good luck in whatever you have to do. Marilyn

Hi Gwynne, I feel for you, very dificult decisions to make. Can you try to move yourself a couple of generations away & imagine they are things belonging to your gt grandparents that you have just found. How excited you would be, & I'm sure you would in that instance want to read & learn about your ancestors & how they felt about each other. Your embroidery pictures I would take to your local auction house & ask their opinion. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much you could get for them. Sending you positive thoughts Vivienne xx

Recently been through all this as well. Found boxes of letters written during the war when Dad was in the RAF, can't bring myself to throw them out.. Also cards send for every Christmas and birthday from me... As an only child, it was all down to me to tidy it all up... The next generation are really not interested except for a few keepsakes... I am already decluttering my stuff...

Gwynne, I haven't had to face this yet but remember my Mum doing it with her Dad's house. In her case keeping the house wasn't an option so she had to be quite particular about what she kept and what she passed on to the charity shops. She kept all the really personal things and all the grandchildren and great grandchildren chose things to keep as a personal memento. The other personal things for which there is no real room are in a fireproof box in the attic and I guess that will be my job one day along with all my parents things. Not sure what I'd do with love letters. I doubt I'd read them ever, too close to home, but don't know if I could throw them out, so I think I'd give them a box of their own for future generations to find. Less intrusive if read further down the line perhaps? Daisy

Thanks, everyone for the replies. I think I will keep the letters, the cards for their 'special' birthdays and anniversaries for now. I will also keep the letters and cards Dad received after Mum died. I haven't been able to read them but I hope to one day. The photos I will keep. I used to do fine embroidery and every year I made a picture for Mum which was framed and hung proudly on the wall. I think I will get rid of most of them. I made them for her and she is no longer here to enjoy them. The one I made for their Golden Wedding anniversary is on Dad's wall at the Grange. I'm off to the dentist now so the lack of my replies will be absence not rudeness. Thanks again, Gwynne

Gwynne, I think you should ask you dad if he minds you keeping all the personal items such as letters, photos, etc. Even if you won't read them they are an insight into times gone by and your son's children/grandchildren might find them fascinating. Things like that are little pieces of history. Rose

It must be a difficult situation to be in and any practical solutions just go out of the window when emotions are involved! In some ways I wish I had the same decisions to make. My step mother got rid of all of my Dad's things and we were never asked if would like anything other than a photo I had handed to me of my Grandparents as she said they were nothing to do with her. My mum just doesn't have anything. I do like the idea of the memory box attic. Jacky :-)

Thanks, Bev, Joy, that's what I think I will do eventually, thanks. Mags, That's exactly it. But I have to let go. I don't think I could live in the house if it looked just as it did. I'd keep expecting to see my Mum in every room and I couldn't cope with that. We have to turn it back into a house then turn it into our home, with enough of Mum and Dad's things around for memories. And an attic bursting at the seams. Or we have to sell it which I'm not sure I could bear either but the nursing home costs nearly £500 a week so we have to be practical. We cannot afford to leave it too long. Son and g/f will move in here and pay rent which will help towards the fees. Gwynne