General Chat

I have never really posted on this board before, I dont know what to do! My nan is terminally ill with cancer, drs told us weeks ago that medically she is a miracle and she shouldnt be here..... I can hear you all saying how lucky we are..... BUT NO! We have been caring for her at home and my mum has been her main carer, my nan cant do anything for herself now and this morning my mum broke down and put her in a hospice because we cant cope any more, we feel my nan is safer iin there and will get the medical attention she needs and deserves..... My nan is being awful to my mum and the rest of us .. saying we dont care and thats why we have put her in there, its not true, we cant cope, but she doesnt understand and she keeps being awful to my mum, its heart breaking to see this! I feel so torn between them both - dont know what this will achieve but just feel i need to share it before my head explodes UPDATE PAGE 3 *************************** Thanks for reading - Sharon x

Your mum is worn out and doing the best for nan, nan just doesnt see it. Dont get too upset about it , both reactions are, i guess perfectly normal. i guess there is little you can do. Little treat for them each tommorow? bunch of flowers to show how much you care?

this is so sad, but one thing for sure your mum has got your nan's best interest at heart, when people are suffering they do tend to say some bad things try not to take it to heart, best wishes to you all.

Aww hun, I really feel for you. It must have broken your Mums heart to make that decision. Your Nan is ill and probably scared, its a strange place and one more thing to deal with. When my Dad was ill with cancer, he just wanted to have his say in what went on around him, so he still felt he had some control. I think that is probably what your Nan is going through. It's her death, and she wants a say in how and where its going to happen. Its all she has left to think about, but your poor mum, is bearing the brunt of it all. Are the mcMillan nurses attending to her? Maybe they can help to make your Nan understand your Mums motives and that its not that she is not wanted any more. They will have experienced this kind of situation before. Cancer is a horrible disease, and its not just the patient that suffers. Keep strong hun, and give your mum a hug xx

Oh you are all so lovely!!! thankyou for your replies and i shall pass them on to my mum. The macmillan and marie curie nurses have been a god send - they are angels, but even with thier help it has become too much for mum and all of us. The decision was a hard one to make, but we all know it was the right one. Thanks again for your words - Sharon x

Sharon, I am so sorry to read about your situation - it is so hard for all concerned, but unfortunately the time can come when it is impossible to give a loved one all the care they need at home. In the hospice, your nan's needs will be met, and you and your mum should be able to spend precious time with her and not be exhausted from the sheer physical tasks that nursing a terminally ill patient needs. When my mother needed constant care for dementia and had to go into a home, she found it impossible to accept that I could treat her that way, so I do understand what your mother is going through, and it is not easy to cope with. I hope that the hospice staff will help you all so that you can give each other the love and support you all three need over the coming weeks.

Sharon, My thoughts are with you, My Grandma is 91 and maybe has lung cancer (the reason I say maybe is because The scans seemed to show it but because it was only 6 months ago noticed and she was so weak no-one will allow the tests to go ahead) She lives alone. She only has one daughter with severe arthritis and my Dad (her Son) lives miles away and has his own life! We try to look after her as best we can but circumstances mean she can't stay with any of us (mainly no downstairs toilet) Authorities say she is not bad enough to go into a home without paying for it herself (she doesn't have the means) She is nearly blind! weighs 4 1/2 stone now and it's awful seeing her like that. I hope things calm down for you and wish you well Tracy x

Tracey, That is terrible for your you all. I cant believe your health authority wont help her. We have told my nan how 'lucky' she is to be able to have this care, she isnt have none of it at the moment though. I hope your situation gets better. My thoughts are with you Sharon x Am off to bed now - thankyou everyone. I think i can sleep a little easier now xx

Sharon, Everyone's authorities are different. We have a meeting on Friday to see if anything is happening. Take care Tracyx

Sharon - I've been a nurse for 13 years working in both wards and now in intensive care. Just remember that your nan is still the person you grew up knowing- her illness makes her feel vunerable but she still is the same person. She'll feel angry and frustrated at the thought of dying as will your mum and you- let her, let all of you talk but talk to her about the things that have always mattered about your family- tell her that you love her and ask her how she feels. The hospice should provide time and opportunities for you to talk and feel. Believe me there is nothing wrong in you , your mum or your nan feeling angry, letdown, alone, confused, scared, uncertain and helpless. Just help your nan by recognising her life and importance to you all and re-assuring her when she's scared- you and your mum's relationship with her are different and the staff at the hospice should be able to give different support to you all. Strength to you and your mum and love to your Nan- help her to go where she's going with happy memories of your family and the knowledge that you all love her very much Helen

What a sad situation for you all. People here have given you very good advice and I'd just like to add that it's a very new situation for your Nan and she may well settle and see the wisdom of the decision, especially when there is someone around for 24-hour-a-day attention if she needs it. She may have made some new friends in a few days too. :-)

Hi Sharon, I think Suzanne has got it right. Your Nan is feeling angry at the illness and just taking it out on those around her mainly your mum and your mum is probably tired and cant cope with the situation as well as you would expect. I really feel for you as my mum is nearly 80 and lives on her own. Her health is deteriorating and she has always said that she wont sell her house and go into a home. So I guess she is expecting me to look after her. Dont know how I will cope with that

Hi Love, I have an ilness,an yesterday i found i had reached another stage i was angry ,upset i cryed i kicked hell out of the furnture, mines not terminal but takes what little dignaty i have away a bit more,we all have to scream an shout ,i feel bad about it today because i know there only trying to help me,but im scared how must your gran feel i cant imagine give them a kiss today

Hi Sharon. My Mum died of cancer . She was 85 and luckily for us was a very calm. We had some long chats and she said, over a period of time, most of the things that other people who have posted on here have said about how your Nan might feel. She was scared, very angry, as she put it 'I'm not ready to go yet'. It must be harder to comfort someone who is difficult to converse with calmly but she probably feels just like my Mum did but is so angry she is unable to see things clearly. Just give her lots of love. (((((HUGS)))) to you all as well Linda x

sorry to hear all that your family are going through. my thoughts and prayers are with you. tina x

all my love sharon im glad you have talked and let people help always here for you xxx loraine x

My mum lived with me when she was terminally ill with lung cancer. She was wonderful throughout her illness and I knew she never wanted to go in a hospice. However one day she really needed better pain-relief and the only way for that was for the team to assess her properly - it was always the night times when she felt worse and I felt helpless because she called out in pain one night and I never heard her. Together we decided she go to the hospice temporarily and then return home. Unfortunately that wasn't to be and she died. Your mum is at the end of her tether and your nan is frightened of dying alone. Maybe together you can sit down and arrange for her to stay part of the week at the hospice and the weekend at home? At least have a chat to the palliative team. Your nan doesn't mean the things she says and in her heart she knows what your mum is going through...sending you hugs! Aileenx

Thankyou all for your input. Everyone has said something that I will take away with me today and tell my family. The words somehow make it easier to face today. I will keep updating this thread as and when I can as I live 30 miles from the hospice and will be travelling back and forth, obviously. I will give my family all the hugs and kind wishes today, especially my Nan and my Mum. The hospice is a lovely place and the staff there are all so kind and understanding, I am sure they will help us through this. Thanks also to the people that have PM'd me. I will reply to you all in time. Take care Sharon x

Heartbreaking for you all...... sending you a hug and one for your nan and mum too! xx

Sharon (((((hugs)))))))for you and your mum we all say things we dont really mean in times of stress your mum has done her best you can only be there for her and give her your support . My thoughts and prayers go to your nan god bless you all xxxxx Howie