General Chat

Sharon so sorry for you and your family. Everyone has given you good advise. I do know what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Give your Mum a big hug tell her your Nan doesn't really mean what she says she will be scared . Hope she is more settled when you go to see her. Take Care Love Germaine x

Hi Sharon I would guess that your Nan feels that she is being sent away because she's not wanted anymore but at the same time she'll know it is for her benifit that she's been sent to a hospice however knowing that something is for your own good and being happy with it are two very different things. You Nan has a terminal illness and that strains all relationships with the anger and stress it caurses. It sounds as if the decition to put your nan in a hospice was made quickly, and if it was done without speaking to your nan she may be upset that she wasn't consulted so had no say. Just give her a few days to calm down and hopefully she'll either appologise or act like nothing happened. The hospice will keep you informed on her condition. You mention that we would say that you are lucky to still have nan alive, in some ways it's true - under normal circumstances I would say that but I have seen the strain cancer puts families through. I spent a year a few years back working with children with cancer - most were from brocken homes, brocken by the cancer. I think about those kids every day and wonder how they are but I know deep down that some of them will have lost the fight. Time is precious, make the most of the time you have left becuse when the last grain of the sands of time has gone, you'll think of a thousand things you should have said / done. My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer Easter 2 years ago and was told that they could treat him with drugs but the last resort drug could be given for 3 yrs and then it was a waiting game, the whole family thought we has years left with him but it turned out that he was put straight on the last resort drug that should have given us 3 years but he died 2 years ago just days before christmas. I've spent 2 years kicking myself that I didn't ask him more about his parents and family when he was here, but I have made sure I ask other grandparents what they remember. I hope your Nan calms down soon and realises that your Mum has had to put her in to a hospice because she lovers your Nan so much - the reality is if your mum didn't care she would have just ignored your Nan instead of caring for her. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to all

sharon its horrible I know. Slightly different but I was my fathers main career. When he collapsed and needed to go into hospital he refused and was very ansty to me. , we arranged for a nurse to stay with him at home that night, all the while he was shouting at every one to go away because she, meaning me would look after him. i couldnt stay with him through the night I have a disabled daughter. To cut it short when the nurse arrived I hid in the kitchen, as soon as he knew I had gone her asked to go into hospital. He was fowl again the next day and the day after, but he did come round in the end after many cross words and tears. When i asked him why he was so horrid to me he said because he felt he could, he knew I loved him and cared for him not matter what, it was a way that he could vent his emotions, he knew i am a strong person and as they say you always hurt those that are closest to you Thinking of you Sharon x

Sharon, I hope your nan and mom can talk properly soon, when my M-i-L's dad was too ill for her to care for, she was making herself ill trying to carry out her dying mothers wish, I talked to her about having him put into a home where he could get all the care and help he needed, my M-i-L was angry with me for suggesting such a thing, ' I promised my mom I would take care of dad to his dying day' was her response, now her dad didn't know what day it was nor where he was, his mind had gone, so it didn't much matter to him, but M-i-L felt a failer, I used to talk to her and let her know that by having him put into care she was carrying out her dying mothers wish, how would she feel if some thing happened to him because she was too ill her self, well eventualy she had to have him put into a home, she was lucky as she got him into one close by, and was able to see him several times a week, and she could see that he was having the best care, better than she was able to give. We are friends again now me and M-i-L, and she did finaly see what I was saying, so I hope that your nan will see that your mom has done what she needed to for both of them, your mom wouldn't be able to carry one if she doesn't get her much needed rest, and now your nan has got several refreshed nurses taking care of her. When you go and see your nan it may help talking to her about when you were growing up the funny, happy loving things that happened, and how you love her so much because of it, it may help your nan see that she has done a lot of good while she has been around, and may make her passing a bit easier for her to acept. I am sending Loving (((((HUGS))))) for the whole family. Bev

Hi Sharon - I think everyone else has already said everything I might have said to you but just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Just be there for your nan and mum when you can - but don't forget to take care of yourself too. Love and hugs ((((()))))) Kate

Hi Sharon I feel for you I really do. WE went through the same thing with my Dad a few yeras ago. He was actually the one to say that he needed care in a Nursing home. He knew that my mum could not cope with it any more. Anyway he eventually went into one and from the day he entered he seemed to blame it on Mum myself and my sister that he was in there. Even though me being the eldest I got all the family together before he went in to make sure that none of us would be blamed as it was his own decision. He agreed that no one would be blamed. After a while I went to see the Matron in charged and asked if Dad was happy, she said he was one of the nicest patients that they had and was always happy. Seems like they have to have someone to blame and the old saying 'you always hurt the one you love'. He really did like it in there. My advice have a quiet word with the nurses or matron and see what your nan's moods are like when you or your mother are not there. Might not be the same situation as us but it's worth a try. Good luck love and I hope your mother doesn't let it get her down too much She has nothing to feel guilty about she has done all she can for you Nan Kindest Regards Jackie

Hi Sharon,Sorry you,re having this problem, Perhaps if you can get you,re Mum to remember an old song,it starts ,'You always hurt the one you love,the one you should,nt hurt at all' and it ends with,'And If I broke your Heart last night, Its because I love you most of all'. the message is there but usually unspoken,I,ve no doubt some-one on here will no all of the song.I Hope thing work out. Best Wishes. Hal.

i have terminall cancer and i dont really know what to say ((((((HUGS)))))) love Joycexx

Hello everyone, just a quick update for you.... Nan seems a little happier. The family welfare lady at the hospice is helping us to try and build the bridges between mum and nan. Nan still refuses to see mum but hopefully in time she will relent. Nans condition has stablised again and there is now talk of her going into a nursing home.... I feel another disagreement looming..lol! We are having family meeting at the hospice next week. I have passed on all the lovely thoughts, hugs and stories to my mum and it has helped her to see the reasons maybe why nan is acting like this at the moment, although my mum is very much like her mum STUBBORN!! My mum and myself and my sisters would like to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. Will keep you updated. Take care Sharon x

This thread makes me feel very humble, and yet very proud at the same time, of all the support shown by members. I have often said to myself that my 'cross to bear' is yet to come - life has been pretty kind so far - but by golly I would have no hesitation in asking for support from GR if I came up against it. Keep strong Sharon and draw support from these wonderful people.

Sharon, so glad the hospice are helping to build bridges. I'm sure it will all work out in the end, as both your mum and nan come to an understanding. As I said before, they have seen these situations before, they will know how to deal with them.

Sharon i know how you feel.My dad had to put my nan in a home for her own good.She lived in the east end of London and kept falling over,so she used to leave her front door wide open for people to come in and pick her up.Not very safe.My nan did not leave my dad alone so in the end him and mum stayed away and only me and my brothers and sisters visited.Then one day she said to me,i really miss your dad,i have had my silly head on haven't I.That was the end of the arguement,i phoned dad and he was with my nan before the hour.Annie

Very quick update..... Thanks to all those i havent yet thanked firstly!!!!! It was mums birthday today and she went in to see my nan, to thank her for the card. They are both now talking, its a start and it was lovely to see! Fingers crossed it will last. Sharon x

That's great news Sharon - hope they keep talking, and listening to each other too. let us know when there's any more news Kate

glad they are talking again, little tiptoes will turn into little steps than beforem you know it they will be leaps. d xx

Hello everyone! Yesterday the hospice told the family including my nan that she has stablised and will need to leave and go into a nursing home. Nan took the news very well and although she wants to stay in the hospice she understands and is being very co operative..... we were all worried that after what happened last week she would fall out with us again. However I went to visit her today and have just got home..... She hasnt been well today and has started to have difficulties breathing and she is in a lot more pain, they seem to havre it under control - but i cant help but wonder if the news we had to give her yesterday has contributed to her condition today. We are all still friends and talking lol!!!! so thats good news! Will keep you posted. Sharon x

Hi Sharon I'm sorry your Nan isn't feeling so good today, but it's good news that everyone is talking to each other again. Caring for a terminally ill relative is extremely stressful and tempers can get easily frayed, but I'm glad that your Nan is starting to understand that everyone only has her best interests at heart. Love Mandy xx

A couple of years ago Iwas in a similar position with my mother who was dying from cancer. I felt particularly bad as I am a nurse but she was just too ill to manage at home without the right equipment. I found that she really needed the hospice particularly the quiet they could provide and the air pressure matresses meant she was far more comfortable than she would have been at home. Like you we were asked to find a nursing home and did but she was too ill to manage the move and died a week after moving. Just tell your mother that you are love her for looking after your nan for as long as she did. I found with my mum she really wanted to write her last christmas cards and get presents for people so she still felt part of the family. Anne

Update..... my nan passed away peacefully at 0310 this morning (28th Dec). Thanks to all for your kind words through the hard times. She is at peace now, no longer suffering and best of all she is with my lovely grandad. God bless Nan and Grandad. Sharon xx

So sorry Sharon,my sympathies to you and your family. You were always there for your Nan,and she knew you loved her, and did your best. She is at rest now and in a safe place with her love, your Grandad. God bless you, Mau (((xxx)))