General Chat

My mum and dad split up when I was 6 years old. Basically my dad was (is) an alcoholic and my mum had an affair and chucked him out. My dad had been married before and had 4 children with his first wife. When he split with my mum I saw him a few times, but he went off travelling with the Gypsies ( although he's not one). I then didn't see him for 20 years untill I found him 5 years ago. My feeling are not towards him as I know that he would not have ever left us, but I suppose my mum couldn't take the drinking that's why she threw himout. i feel rejected by my dads family. His father was alive and he has 2 brothers and a sister.I never saw them when I was growing up, They never visited me and my mum never took me to them. When I made contact with my aunt and one of my uncle's about 8 years ago, They made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with me, although my aunt did give me her phone number to contact her if I needed to. It was the same when I found my half-siblings. I can't understand this. If it was my neice I'd want to see them and be in their lives.. Do you think this is the norm? DId you feel rejected as a kid/adult? Pat

i have not talked to my dad for 35 years i just get on with my life , my wife and kids are my family , thats his loss

That's the way most people look upon my dad, But he's not a bad person. But he does have a problem with the drinking. I think now though mostly my dad doesn't know what to do to try to mend things. He knows he can't give us back our childhood.For me though, although our relationship is not great, It's better than not having one as a far as im concerned. I agree though, sometimes it's their loss. Pat x

Pat don't know about the norm, is there ever a norm in a situation like this??? Perhaps your mum warned the Aunts and Uncles away when she split from your dad? Perhaps they stayed away feeling it would disrupt your life even more? as for your half siblings, perhaps it's the old thing, what they've never had they'll never miss?? Shame cos knowing you i know how much they're missing!!!! There are so many perhaps. Like you I would welcome any relations with open arms, but who is to say we'd actually get on. After all you can't choose your family can you?

Also Pat, my mum is the same as your Dad. She left when I was about 6 too. I was left with my Nan, who wasand is wonderful. I did see her occasionally. But these days i rarely see her, unless i make the effort to viist Nan at the same time as she is!!! But to be honest, I've given up, I was putting too much energy in to trying to have a relationship with her. As Saba says it's her loss. My energy now goes into my kids... looking forward.

Shelli, I just feel like people blame me for what my dad did. I have never even seen a photo of my grandparents. About my half-sibling I get told things like well, they had it hard when their mum and dad split, But what about me? My childhood wasn't exactly a bed a roses. Pat x

I haven't seen my dads family since his funeral 26 years ago, after that none of them stayed in contact apart from my step grandmother and when she died no one bothered to tell me, so I kept writing to her for 2 years before someone got in touch and told me. I have managed to find they're numbers and have phoned them but one uncle said I am no longer part of the family and told me to phone his brother he might care. Didn't bother after that it is a shame that they didn't care enough about their brother to have stayed in touch with his family. Jackiex

Jackie, Thats exactly how i feel, That my aunt and uncles didnt care enough about my dad to stay in touch. The worst thing though is knowing that they kept in touch with the children from his first marriage. Maybe their mother made more of an effort, I don't know. My mum probably wouldn't have thought about taking us to see them. Pat

Pat As I said no easy answers. Who tells you the half siblings had it hard? Is it their Aunts and Uncles? p'haps their trying to protect them still??? Really don't know. As for the photos can you not speak to your Dad and ask him to obtain a copy for you. And I think to some extent fmailes are always tarred with the same brush, if there's one bad apple then the whole family are tainted...... does that make sense???? hard as it is let them think what they like..... you know the truth.

My OH made contact with his fathers family after some years, rather they got in contact with him, to say his father had died ( after he funeral though) he has a reasonable relationship with the Uncle that contacted him, BUT theUncle tells the tale somewhat differently to the way mother tells it. mother says his father went off into the wild blue yonder and never contacted again Uncle tells the tale that father tried to contact endlessly, he knocking on the door with him on occasions. Mother wouldn't have it. Who knows?Who knows who threw what accusations around? Fathers family maybe disgusted at your mother for having an affair and throwing him out ( maybe they thought he had to walk?) Ultimately, you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink - you cant make them want you.let it go, look forward not back

Shelli, Yeah my aunt told me that they had it hard. She also told me how nice it was of them to go to my grandads funeral (It would have been nice if i had been told he had died!). I don't doubt it was difficult for them, they grew up without their dad like i did. As for my dad getting phoo's, He's not in contact with ANY of the family, only me. If i need to contact his sister or his other children, I have to. My dad has not spoke to his siblings since his mother died in 1981. His other daughters have written to him, so they must care about him. They just don't want to know me. Scarlet, I dont think they knew about the affair and even if they did, Yeah punish the adult, But not the children caught up in it. Pat

Pat Don't know then, no easy answers, but then is there ever any easy answers???? Is there not one of the family you can have a chat too? and explain how you feel, or ask, and see if Scarlet has got it right. Maybe he did try and visit you but your Mum wouldn't let him, maybe the other family blame your Mum and so by association you, for the break up. Whereas the first childrens Mother might have let them see their dad and his family, thus ensuring they had a relationship. really tough break, for you tho, esp if you can't speak to any of the family to get answers.

Pat, This is perhaps going to sound a little harsh. As far as your half-siblings are concerned, your mum took their dad away from them, then if he totally disappeared from their lives, as he did from yours - that would have been your mums fault as well!! Natural thoughts from a child's point of view, and from what your Aunt says, propogated by her and company through the years. However, your half siblings are now adults, old enough to make their own minds up, and should realise things aren't as black and white as they appear in childhood - and children are innocent victims of adult behaviour. They obviously choose to cling on to their childish views. Personally if they were my half siblings I would come to the conclusion that if I did get to know them they would still blame me, and it probably wouldn't be a nice relationship. As for your relationship with your dad and his guilt feelings, would it make it easier if you told him you realised he missed your childhood, as you missed having him around, but you'd like to start again and get to know him as a human being, not as your father. maggie (who refuses to see an aunt and uncle - not that they want to see me - because they're just plain grasping, mean, self-centred and were taking things from my Gran when she was in a home!!)

Maggie, His first marriage had been broken up for 5 years before my dad and mum got together, So my mum can't really be blamed. I suppose that the first marriage broke up due to my dads drinking. As for my dad, I don't have a bad relationship with him. I have just got back from seeing him in fact, even though he lives 250 miles away from me. I don't blame him or my mum for their break-up. They both have had rough time of it i think. Pat

If your half siblings and their anut/uncle can't blame your mum for taking their dad away, why is your aunt going on about their hard childhood? If she blames your dad for the first marriage splitting up, she must have some inkling about how it was for your mum. As others have said, it doesn't seem worth your while bothering with them, maggie

Maggie, You are probably right, Not worth worrying about. I don't most of the time, But i suppose because i have been to see my dad, It has all been brought to the surface. Pat

David, Yeah it hurts but I i can do nothing about it. Even my sister has nothing to do with our dad, Oh she will ask me how my visit went and if he's ok. But she wont write to him or send him a card at Christmas or on his birthday. Pat x

My kids of 18, 16 and 13 from my first marriage have been cut of from the whole of their dads family, no contact at all, dont know long term how they will feel I try to feel like keith its their dads families loss Cazx

We recently found my OH`S half brother and cousins he didn`t know about, also that his father had died in 1997. None of them want to meet OH ,including half brother. My OH isn`t bothered --I`m the nosey one and I found them. I think that they presume we`re after some money from his father`s will which OH should be entitled to --but it`s too late now--but we`re not, Ros

People always see things from their own point of view, and act to protect themselves. Perhaps your half siblings resent you for some completely untrue reason. But for them to change their long held views is often too much for people - you have to rethink everything you know, that you were told, and that you believe. This is very difficult for some people and the easy option is to carry on as before, with grudges and unfounded prejudices. On the other hand, maybe they are just not particularly interested in you - my own family is very like that. I have never met any of my 12 cousins, and the last time I saw my brother was six years ago at our father's funeral. This isnt to do with any falling out, it is just that they are not interested in any kind of family relationships. They all have youngish families, and of course, their family 'duty' is to their own children, not me. OC