General Chat

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder if they could still get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out." and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait they discuss the eternal aspect of it all... "What if it doesn't work," they wondered. "would we be stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled... "Yes" he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" says the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!!

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON !!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Doctors at hospitals across Merseyside have defended the practice of slapping newborn babies twice when they are born . A spokesman said , " The first time is to clear their airways , and the second , to make them let go of the midwife's watch !"

I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav. Bl**dy clever clogs

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end
their union after a very short time together. After a most brief
attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their
break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point,
where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged
from a bottle of Tippex.. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

An old one but still makes me laugh

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'











The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


George

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but the trick is getting them into the light bulb in the first place.

First man: "Does your wife ever say those three little words while
you're making love?.
Second man: "Oh yes, she often peers over the top of her book and says:
"You still there?"

The huge liner has just sunk and there are only 8 survivors, bobbing up and down 10 miles off the coast of switzerland; 2 Irishmen, 2 Scots, 2 Welsh and 2 Englishmen.

Suddenly they come across a life-boat which they brak up to make a raft.

They land on an uninhabited island and after 3 months the Welsh had
formed a choir, the Irish had made a still, the Scots were sending
messages in non-returnable bottles and the English were still waiting to be introduced!

A man takes a salmon into a fish and chip shop:

Man: "Hello, do you do fish-cakes?"

Assistant: "Sorry, we're right out at the moment"

Man: "That's a shame - it's his birthday..."

My wife does really good bird imitations. She watches me like hawk.

:-D :-D :-D :-D I love them all :-D :-D

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Five.... one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to A & E.

:-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."





A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..
‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’



ps just one RR will do......

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

:-D :-D :-D nice to get the chance to read them all before the phantom finger strikes

Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Sean thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one
condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Sean replied.

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

but bloomin' good if you need them in a ruck