General Chat

What do you call Batman and Robin after they have been run over by a steamroller?
































Flatman and ribbon,da daaaaaaaaaaa. :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D

Yeah I know some are Corny........



PUN0GRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

but bloomin' good if you need them in a ruck

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Sean thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one
condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Sean replied.

:-D :-D :-D nice to get the chance to read them all before the phantom finger strikes

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."





A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..
‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’



ps just one RR will do......

:-D :-D :-D :-D

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Five.... one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to A & E.

:-D

:-D :-D :-D :-D I love them all :-D :-D

My wife does really good bird imitations. She watches me like hawk.

A man takes a salmon into a fish and chip shop:

Man: "Hello, do you do fish-cakes?"

Assistant: "Sorry, we're right out at the moment"

Man: "That's a shame - it's his birthday..."

The huge liner has just sunk and there are only 8 survivors, bobbing up and down 10 miles off the coast of switzerland; 2 Irishmen, 2 Scots, 2 Welsh and 2 Englishmen.

Suddenly they come across a life-boat which they brak up to make a raft.

They land on an uninhabited island and after 3 months the Welsh had
formed a choir, the Irish had made a still, the Scots were sending
messages in non-returnable bottles and the English were still waiting to be introduced!

First man: "Does your wife ever say those three little words while
you're making love?.
Second man: "Oh yes, she often peers over the top of her book and says:
"You still there?"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but the trick is getting them into the light bulb in the first place.

An old one but still makes me laugh

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'











The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


George

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged
from a bottle of Tippex.. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end
their union after a very short time together. After a most brief
attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their
break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point,
where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."