General Chat

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Fed up of not seeing funny jokes on here..

If My Body Was a Car!

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it, Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

Hee, hee, that just about sums me up :-D

Wags finger at Island - no, you stay away from this thread :-0

Off to think of a good joke that won't get me banned >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

just in case you don't know, there is a long running joke thread on Quizzes and Games :-D

How did you know I was about to open Sues thread Wend? :-S :-0

old lady opens door to salesman " madam may I demonstrate the new superturbo vacuum cleaner?" "Not interested, got no money" she replies. Not to be outdone the salesman produces a large bag of horse manure and procedes to tip it all over her hall carpet. "If my cleaner doesn't pick up every bit then I'll eat the rest myself" The woman looks him up and down then says " Shall I fetch you a knife and fork, me electric was cut off yesterday!"

This one is only funny to small boys like me

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Roy

Not forgetting the original threadkillers thread..........
or Pilgrim Fathers'........

what a shame that the "women" thread bit the dust!!

AnnCardiff,I don't go on Quizzes and games

Minihousenut and Porkie pie..love them..

Sue

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from
Sydney to Auckland... The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--
ARGHHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Economy said,
'That's nothing..... He should see the back of mine!'

This is a silly little joke but always makes me smile


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

:-)

cleanest one i could find to post.

Subject: Must be a Blonde


Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"computer completely buggered now."

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
...
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild s** all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

...............................................................................

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

(Stolen from facebook lol x)

The Colonoscopy.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge.' said the blood,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go,'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic,
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss,

The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usuall the one in charge!.


F.

What happened to the 2 Frogs who broke down crossing the road


















































They Got Toad
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

I laughed anyways pmsl!!! ;-)

The other night I walked into the bedroom and found my partner staring into the mirror in floods of tears.
"Look at me," she said. "I have a huge paunch. I can see the reflection of my saggy boobs. The mirror just laughs back at me with images of my big bum. Please, please say something nice to make me feel better!"
I looked her up and down and replied, "At least your eyesight is as good as it ever was."



I am now sleeping in a tent.

Thanks everyone for the laughs..Bleddy good.

How do ye tell what clan a scotsman belongs to?





































Ye lift his kilt and if he's got a quarrrterrr poonderr he's a McDonald.

is that where they keep them? Never eating one ever again!

Burrrger me Island - that's so rood :-0