General Chat

I have a little SatnavIt sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you areI
have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Living life backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:


You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement
and
collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have
no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then..........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
Spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and
then.............
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

George :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:



" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"That's wonderful! What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"











"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ”


George

Subject: Fwd: Shy Girl first day in shop














A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll
ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a big muscular guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's
the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!



George

pinched from a email.........
The Euro.......

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"


Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".




Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".


Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".


Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"


Blackadder: "It was b****cks".

A snail walks into a pub and the barman tells him there's a strict policy

about having snails in the bar and throws him out.

A year later the same snail re-enters the pub and asks the barman,

" What did you do that for? " Ah...


Man to wife on their wedding night " Lets have adventurous sex. How

about the wheelbarrow position?"

Her, "Ok , but promise we won't go past my mums house "

I cant get RRd cause I dont know what RR means yet. Anyone ?????

Not true I would have put spine & I never became a doctor :-(

ADULT SCRABBLE.


Re-arrange the letters to spell out an important part of the

human body which is more useful when erect.


P N E S I.



















People who wrote SPINE became Doctors, and

as for the rest of you. Well !!!!!!!

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact thatWon Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."


Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler let go.

:-D :-D nice one Wend

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly . . . I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike . . . he thought that might be a good thing to try.

So . . . on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try mine on.'

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!'

Burrrger me Island - that's so rood :-0

is that where they keep them? Never eating one ever again!

How do ye tell what clan a scotsman belongs to?





































Ye lift his kilt and if he's got a quarrrterrr poonderr he's a McDonald.

Thanks everyone for the laughs..Bleddy good.

The other night I walked into the bedroom and found my partner staring into the mirror in floods of tears.
"Look at me," she said. "I have a huge paunch. I can see the reflection of my saggy boobs. The mirror just laughs back at me with images of my big bum. Please, please say something nice to make me feel better!"
I looked her up and down and replied, "At least your eyesight is as good as it ever was."



I am now sleeping in a tent.

What happened to the 2 Frogs who broke down crossing the road


















































They Got Toad
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

I laughed anyways pmsl!!! ;-)

The Colonoscopy.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge.' said the blood,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go,'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic,
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss,

The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usuall the one in charge!.


F.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
...
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild s** all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

...............................................................................

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

(Stolen from facebook lol x)