General Chat

Being in the forces usually knocks respect into them,,
I think you did the right thing,,Your not disowning her are you? Its your house and your rules,
Sooner or later she will come round and get in touch Or maybe you could write to her telling her how you feel.
At least she left a note saying 'Danny stayed last night'.. She could have not done anything and then the first you would have known about ti was him emerging from her room,

Dont beat yourself up about wanting some respect,,,,,kids are a pain in the backside,,

Glad you were able to talk with your daughter. Maybe it would be an idea to ask her not to arrange to go out on the first evening home if she comes back next weekend, or the next time she comes back, so that you can spend time together and chat, and discuss some 'ground rules'. For example, coming home, dumping her bags (did she expect you to unpack and do her washing maybe?) and rushing off out isn't particularly respectful to you, her family, and as you say she seems to treat the place like an hotel, then she needs to know that you aren't happy with that attitude and things need to be sorted out now. I hope you can find a way for everyone to feel comfortable at home and for your daughter to realise how lucky she is to have family at home to welcome her back when she wants to come home and see her friends as well as her family.
Good luck
Lizx

Hi Ladies

You are right that at least she was home,
the fact still remains that she disrespected our home and made myself and OH feel very uncomfortable in our own house.

Have spoken with her today and she says she is sorry and wants to come home next weekend but part of me still thinks that she doesn't seem to be concerned about what she did.

I think a face to face chat is the best way forward

xx

Sharron, can I just say that many years ago when my ex was a policeman he investigated a case where the boy that the girl brought home did infact kill her, in her parents home. So yes it has happened and may do so again.
I understand what you are saying and also understand where you are coming from, but I also understand their fears and the fact the Jessie wants her rules adhered to.
Angela

good for you. standing up for what you believe. If only I had done similar to my daughter then she might not be in the mess she is in.
I now have an 18year old son and I know the day will come when he will want a girl to 'sleepover'. Dont know what I will say to him but I am against the principals.

When parents all over the country were laying awake wondering where their teenagers were having the adventures that they surely have your daughter brought a boy who evidently caused you no problems and did you no harm to the safest place she knew.The papers are not full of girls being stabbed,raped,drugged or beaten up by unsavoury characters in their parent's homes.

How would you have behaved had she not,quite sensibly,provided herself with a stable and safe home and job to go to had you not wanted her in your home?

Really,this is not meant to be a judgement but another perspective on the situation.

I think you did the right thing, curtailing her time off base might have taught her to be a bit more respectful. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she has to learn to respect your wishes and your home. What a shame she didn't even stop in when she first got back, to spend time with you and the family and then said she might want to bring someone back after her night out and would it be ok?
I too think a letter setting out the way you feel, that she treats the place like an hotel when she comes back, and that you would like to spend time with her too, will pave the way for further discussion and better appreciation by her of having a loving home to come back to when on leave.
Good luck, it's hard being a Mum.
Lizx

Tough love is painful - it usually hurts the parents more than the children. This world needs more responsible parents like you and your OH. Deep breathing and plenty of chocolate.

Ooh teenagers are hard.

I think a letter is a good idea. I think it needs to emphasise that she is still much loved and valued but it was her behaviour which upset you.

I expect that having left home to join the forces she feels grown up and expects to be treated like one but she should now respect the opinions and values of others in her family.

This sounds like a thoughtless act on her part rather than a deliberate behaviour to annoy you. It's not worth falling out big time over this but she does need to have the boundaries redefined.

Good luck
Sue

Oh flipping heck!!! I do feel for you .Been there ,done that ,got the T shirt Not chucking out but having "someone staying the night ."It was very difficult as OH and I differed.
I just saw shoes at the bottom of the stairs !!!!
It will be fine ,just give a little cooling off time.

Thanks ladies, will go and get some chocolate to perk me up !! lol

bet next time shes home,,it wont happen again,,,,,cheer up,,,,,,,,,:}}}

We had that with our youngest and made her understand that our rules meant that she could not have someone in our house unless we Okayed it first and esp someone who was ' casual' if you see what I mean.
It is so hard I know.
Angela

I or should I say we haven't turned our backs on her, or thrown her out - Just sent her back to base 24 hours earlier - but even that is making me feel like I have done the worst thing ever

It is the fact that she had a boy, no make that a man in my house in her bed without taking into account our feelings and thinking that it may just be one step too far

Jessie,,

Exactley,,,your rules are in place they go against your wishes ,so you have every right to deal with it how you seem fit,,,,,,you havnt turned your back on her,you have made a stance that a line has been crossed,,,,,,,,,and you havnt thrown her out on the street,,,you arent wicked,,,

I think maybe you should leave it a day or two and when things have calmed down she may have phoned you. If not write her a letter and explain everything. That way she will have to 'hear' you whereas she might not if you phone her. It is difficult but as long as you keep the lines of communication open you will get there in the end.
Angela

I have texted her and asked her to ring when she arrives back to let us know she is safe,

Can you ring and just make sure she arrived back at camp safetly,,,,,,?that will settle your mind a bit,,,,,,

Kay

We have always said if you want someone to stop over then ask...........
It was the fact the one to stop over was male - that to me and OH is so disrespectful

She follows the rules in camp, if she did not she would be on a charge, so she should follow your rules too. Once she has time to think she will understand.
Please don't beat yourself up.
Angela