General Chat

have we done the right thing or not ??

Daughter in the forces, age 17, since May everytime she has come home she has treated the house as a hotel, looked at us as though we are something she scraped off her shoes etc etc normal teenager stuff in the majority !!
But last night she came home dropped bags in the doorway and went out again,
Got up this morning to a note saying " Hi Danny stopped last night"

Asked OH was Danny male / female - OH says only Danny he has heard daughter mention is the Jack the lad, the bad one, the one in trouble all the time -

Yes you've got it - he had stopped in her room with her, how dare she??
My blood was boiling and OH took me out to calm down and for him to calm down as well

When we got back daugher was on her own and used the excuse
" I didn't think, I had too much to drink!

Well that was it, her bags were packed and I drove her to the station and watched as the train pulled away taking her back to base

Not one apology, only the response of " and I won't bother coming home again to see any of you!!"

I feel bad really bad, but I'm sure I have done the right thing and stamped my foot to make her realise that enough is enough.

she's still your daughter!!!!

tough love - that's what it's all about - you did the right thing and one day hopefully she will thank you for it

course you feel bad, you're her Mum but one day she'll be a Mum herself and then she'll understand, if not before hopefully

Maybe she will come to her senses, how long has she been in the forces?
She might come to her senses once she has been in longer as they will make her toe the line.
She knows where she is well off and will be back. All you can do is love her and make her understand what is and is not acceptable in your house.
I have 2 now grown up daughters 39 and 37 and a stepdaughter who is 17 so I know where you are coming from.
Angela

I feel really down about it all and OH is in bits and is blaming himself and me for sending her back to base ( she would have been going back tomorrow anyway so it is only a day earlier we have sent her back )

She's been in the forces a year and I think that is half the problem, she thinks that she is no longer our child, thinks she is grown up enough to make her own choices

Oh I feel terrible !!

you did what you felt was right ,,,,,dont reproach yourself as it cant be changed only learnt from,,

the rules in your home are rules for everyone whos there,,if its broken then your right to dish out consequences,,,,,,


she wil be intouch dont worry,when shes had time to realise her actions caused you grief,,,,,,

Oh dear I don't think you should ever turn your back on your children!!
I agree she should of asked you if this person could of stayed the night.
Sue................
give her a ring

She follows the rules in camp, if she did not she would be on a charge, so she should follow your rules too. Once she has time to think she will understand.
Please don't beat yourself up.
Angela

Kay

We have always said if you want someone to stop over then ask...........
It was the fact the one to stop over was male - that to me and OH is so disrespectful

Can you ring and just make sure she arrived back at camp safetly,,,,,,?that will settle your mind a bit,,,,,,

I have texted her and asked her to ring when she arrives back to let us know she is safe,

I think maybe you should leave it a day or two and when things have calmed down she may have phoned you. If not write her a letter and explain everything. That way she will have to 'hear' you whereas she might not if you phone her. It is difficult but as long as you keep the lines of communication open you will get there in the end.
Angela

Jessie,,

Exactley,,,your rules are in place they go against your wishes ,so you have every right to deal with it how you seem fit,,,,,,you havnt turned your back on her,you have made a stance that a line has been crossed,,,,,,,,,and you havnt thrown her out on the street,,,you arent wicked,,,

I or should I say we haven't turned our backs on her, or thrown her out - Just sent her back to base 24 hours earlier - but even that is making me feel like I have done the worst thing ever

It is the fact that she had a boy, no make that a man in my house in her bed without taking into account our feelings and thinking that it may just be one step too far

We had that with our youngest and made her understand that our rules meant that she could not have someone in our house unless we Okayed it first and esp someone who was ' casual' if you see what I mean.
It is so hard I know.
Angela

bet next time shes home,,it wont happen again,,,,,cheer up,,,,,,,,,:}}}

Thanks ladies, will go and get some chocolate to perk me up !! lol

Oh flipping heck!!! I do feel for you .Been there ,done that ,got the T shirt Not chucking out but having "someone staying the night ."It was very difficult as OH and I differed.
I just saw shoes at the bottom of the stairs !!!!
It will be fine ,just give a little cooling off time.

Ooh teenagers are hard.

I think a letter is a good idea. I think it needs to emphasise that she is still much loved and valued but it was her behaviour which upset you.

I expect that having left home to join the forces she feels grown up and expects to be treated like one but she should now respect the opinions and values of others in her family.

This sounds like a thoughtless act on her part rather than a deliberate behaviour to annoy you. It's not worth falling out big time over this but she does need to have the boundaries redefined.

Good luck
Sue

Tough love is painful - it usually hurts the parents more than the children. This world needs more responsible parents like you and your OH. Deep breathing and plenty of chocolate.