General Chat

I have depression and posted this on our thread but would be intersested in any thoughts others may have..

I chatted to my counsellor about what happened Monday morning.

I was about to leave for work and as normal was still having to keep going back to the loo ( part of my anxiety problem). In the end I left home in a hurry five mins later than I should have been, but off I went to pick up Heather. No sign of her, panicking as I needed the loo again I decided to go back towards home and see if she was in another place waiting for me. She wasn't there, the need for the loo seemed to get less urgent so I went to pick up second passenger at the warehouse and go to the loo there. On seeing Linda I said I have been for Heather but she wasn't there. Linda said she is on holiday this week you were supposed to get Barb and Lou at the shop, Linda had just been on the phone to Lou. So after a quick loo visit off we set for the other two. I got out the car and moved my jacket off the back seat and said sorry ladies to the two getting in my car. Barb said what time do you call this? Didn't your alarm go off? I thought she was joking so said no! She told me get another alarm, you should have been here at 8:05 not half hour later. I turned round and said to her "Are you serious"? Yes I am serious, she said, now come on go go. I said why don't you let me tell you why I am late? She said "You said your alarm didn't go off" I said "Yes because I thought you were joking". It's not funny I don't know why you were laughing she said. I again said "I thought you were joking". You must have been late leaving home she said> No I wasn't I had been to the wrong pickup place! I didn't need this and was needing the loo again by now! I drove to the back of the shop and turned off the engine and said "You'll have to wait a bit longer now, I'm off to the loo".
I thought if she says another word against me I'll tell her to go in her own car ( We work as a team and share the driving, and claim back expenses from work). On getting back to my car she didn't speak to me anymore nor I to her.

Why did I not say "hang on a minute you can't talk to me like this"?
My counsellor said I should have said now Stop. Don't talk to me this way.

I hate confrontation so get walked over. I have to take control and say my bit!

Update.........

Do you all remember the woman at my work having a go at me for being late? I told them at work I would not travel with her again. Wednesday when the supervisor was doing travel arrangements for next week, she said she would pick me and another up then go for the woman I had the do with. So I thought I can sit here and not say anything, or I can speak up for myself. So I said I would travel on my own that day. Supervisor asked why. So I said it was because I would not travel with B. B said are you still stewing over that? I said no but I would have trouble that morning worrying about being late. B said weren't you listening? Supervisor was driving not you. I said you don't understand anxiety I would worry, and that would make it more likely I would be late. So she said that's because you are stupid. I said it's because of idiots like you that makes it harder for me. I walked away. Then she got me again in the staff room. I tried to stay calm and talk but she just didn't get why I had a problem. I said why do you think I am seeing a psychologist, I am trying to get better. I was so upset and nearly in tears, so had to go outside for a walk to calm down.
Now I'm worried I am making a bad atmosphere at work. I feel bad about myself for acting this way

Well I think that when you next meet, you should take immediate control of the situation by saying "By the way, I am none too happy with the way you spoke to me when I last saw you, it was quite patronising in my opinion and I would very much appreciate it if you don't speak to me in that tone again. I never speak to you in that manner and never would." Now obviously you won't say this word for word but I feel this is the gist of what you should be saying

Ann XXX

thanks Ann I know I have to say something, but I will feel sick and shake! My counsellor said this is part of my problem, I let others say things to me but don't stick up for myself. Until I start to say this is what I want, and think of myself instead of everyone being more important to please, I'll never get better.

know how you feel - I must say it is only of late that I have become quite positive in putting my point of view in situations such as yours - when you've done it once, you'll have no trouble ever again!!!

You could start by saying something like "As you know, I am not a confrontational person, and obviously you are aware of that but..............."

one you start you'll find the right words I promise you

Hi Carole

I sometimes have the same problem, I don't always know how to take people

I now wait a moment before answering, to analyse what's going on

I find it is best to react then

Or the problem gets bigger and more distressing

thanks Ann you are very helpful as always xxx

Thanks Dawning I have been stressed over it since Monday. Can't sleep! I have stomach ache I know it's worry! But I also know I have to say something to her. It's not the first time she has upset me. She has also upset others at work. She is 73 and still works never says she feels ill! A right trooper! She said these things to me in front of two others who were equally shocked by her .

I think If You react there and then, people will start to be more careful what They say and how They say it.

I find if You have a sense of humour, some people take it as a sign of weakness, and think They can say anything They like to You

It sounds as though this lady needs a short sharp shock........she most probably realises you are more vulnerable and that is why she feels she can take a pop at you.......I hope she is worrying that she has upset you.... and has the sense to think about what she said.....x

73!!! she should know better - she needs knocking down a peg or two, even at her age it's still not to late to learn and she needs to learn. Go for it Carole - show her what you're made of!!!

Sally thanks, she actually said sorry to Linda who is the supervisor and was in my car as it happened. She said she was sorry for over reacting! But has said nothing to me. You are right, the other two women she has upset are also timid like me.

I think cos of her age I am more respectful and where as I might have answered back to someone younger I saw her as an authoritative figure and just let her get away with it.

but no longer eh!!!!!

73yr old bully!!!! if i was you Carole drive straight past her next monday,why on earth is she still working,taking a younger persons job.You dont need the stress,let her drive herself to work,then she might say i cant afford to pay the petrol costs and retire.
hope you get better soon
best wishes wendy

Carole, the people who do this sort of thing, pick on those more vulnerable, would not dare to talk like this to someone who is more self-assured......they are right......stand up to her and she will back down.......it is, after all, a form of bullying.....

.....and bullies come in all ages it seems....

Hello Carole.You are used to dealing with a narcissist where you can't win,they always have right on their side.This lady is probably not narcissistic.The fact that she apologized to the supervisor would indicate that she knows she was over the top in her reactions.
I think she doesn't know what to do next,just like you.With all that you have on your mind at the moment it is blowing itself up.
Well done you for telling her she would have to wait until you went to the loo.I think that ight have put her in her place anyway.
She is probably not as strong as you think.Ask yourself why she needs to push herself so hard.

thank you all for taking time to read my post I know it was rather long! I told my supervisor (quietly) I will not take this woman in my car anymore. I have enough to worry about in the morning without her adding to my anxiety. Linda told me this woman said sorry to her later that morning. I think she will work until she has to give up her job, at 75 in our company. She use to take a turn in driving a group to work but after a situation where they found themselves in the central reservation of a busy road one day, words were had to stop her driving for work.
Nothing to stop her going on her own though.
Her own step son is off work with depression and she has said at work, he wants to get back to work there is nothing wrong with him. Poor bloke! Glad she isn't my mum

Carole

It's all very well Linda saying that she has apologised to her - it wasn't HER she was rude to so it hardly counts does it??

Remind Linda of that fact - it was you she was rude to - in your car and until she makes a sincere apology to YOU she will be making her own way to work .........

Good luck x

Thanks Ann. I told Linda I will not take Barb anymore. Just hope she knows I mean it!

Well she will when you sail straight past her next time lol

lol Ann