General Chat

This mornings funnies if anyone wants a laugh.lol

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said that he didn't live far and would just walk home and collect the truck later. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem; how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer replied "Well ma'am, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much." he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said rather sternly "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Well ma'am, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


Good: Your wife and you agree, no more children.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.


Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.

The Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that
When you buy four drinks he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the Barman
there will buy you your third drink after you buy the First two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothin', me buckos", said the Irishman.
"Back home In me own Dublin , there's Ryan's Bar.

Now, the moment you set foot In the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks You like.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you Upstairs and
see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But He swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman,

"... But It did happen to me sister."




Apologies to all no offence intended

xx

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY..


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HAND WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN
IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
"A**TEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE
BECOME A DISORIENTED?

STILL NO OFFENCE INTENDED

Morning Clueless hope you are well?

morning clueless morning lin

morning naked chef, how are you ?
Drizzle and grey here in sussex.

OMG ............when do you sleep!!???
Good morning my hand is killing me of to docs ...I hope ,....got to get passed receptionist!!!

try going in the back door kem. over cast in essex

I will try anything today!!!!.....now I know what very very large peoples fingers feel like ...

Hope it dont upset anyone .......but I,m no kate moss

off to earn some beer vouchers, see you all later

Morning Clueless, morning all:)

Whirley

morning all,nice to wake up and have a giggle Clueless!!

Morning all
Kem I think the answer to that question is any time I keep still long enough lol

Haa haa very good:)

she can have a good pluck at the same time too:)

Whirley

good morning clueless


stella x

Sorry peeps ...been to doctor and he says its just a bad reaction and get on with it!!!!!

use to get this when I was little ...it went away ...but I guess its back!!!
Thanks everyone for the space you give me to moan

Hi Mo
I was sent to hospital just after 12
for x-ray
I've got a crack in the bone.
I'd forgotten dog had got me
before I went to sleep.
He's got a left hook like tyson lol
Gotta laugh eh
xx

aaawwww Kem poor you
xx