General Chat

My grandson age 8 wanted to know about cremation,,,very difficult but i managed and he must have been satisfied with the answer.

Sorry to hear your sad news Catherine.... A young girl who had been at the same school as my children was killed in an accident last year and I openly told them what had happened to her and that she was now at peace. They still talk about her openly and will ask if I think she is in heaven etc. If your daughter and her grandad are very close, how would you or him feel about it being Grandad having a wee chat to her. If he can be brave and put on a brave face and show her that he isnt scared it might make it a wee bit easier for her to know that when it happens that Grandad will still be happy etc. I honestly dont know if that would work or not - just a thought off the top of my head really. I hope the site that has been mentioned already will give you some help and inspiration. My thoughts and best wishes are with you at this very difficult time x x x

My neice has lost both her grandparents on her mothers side, both before she was 8. Her mother (my s-in-law) is what i can only desribe as a 'happy clappy christian' ( hope that does offend anyone, its just a description) and when to great lengths to 'explian everything' to Alice, half of which the child stood no chance of being able to understand - she did what she thought was right i guess but.... My neice now comes out with profound statements, that to be honest i find disturbing- too much ,too deep for a child. What i would say is talk, answer what is asked, but dont try and fill in the gaps, curiosty will do that - she ask again if she wants to know, if the subjest isnt taboo. there are times when to a child the truth isnt the best course of expanation ,like the Q ''where do babies come from?'' You tell them waht they need to know , when they need to know it. If a child doesnt attend a funeral i cannot see why they need to know the ins and outs of cremation V buriel etc. Jess x

I recently asked mum why she took six months to mention that my father had died when I was aged 7. She said it was because she was afraid she would show she was upset about it........... This experience took me about 25 years to get over. I knew dad had been rushed into hospital and I had gone to gran's.....then mum came and collected me and we went home. I asked about dad and she said something to cover up the situation......I asked a few more times.....she kept covering.........Eventually I stopped asking...........................In the end she only told me because someone else in the family was so angry that I didn't know, they threatened to talk to me behind mum's back............. I don't blame mum for all this (any more) - but I would say, please tell children what is happening......they are far more resilient than you think - and don't be afraid of your own emotions - if you cry....so what?? You are upset and it's not bad for them to know that. You must not be afraid of them feeling upset too....... I know we all want to protect our children, but the suffering can be just as bad through not knowing things..... Merry

Thanks everyone some very moving stories. She's at that age where she is discovering and asking questions. She asked me what Rape was a few months ago and I did't know what to tell her, about something so horrible. before she's had chance to know what the birds and bees are. I bought her a book at christmas called let's talk about sex. It's very good and I showed it to her. i said I would leave it on the bookcase if she ever wants to look at it (trying to be casual). A couple of weeks ago i found it under the couch. So she had looked at it. So with this and now the berevement talk (at some point) I'll be grey by the time I'm 40.(and that's this year.) Thankyou to everyone that has replied to my thread. Your all great. x

Hi Catherine My dad has not gone yet, but as no-one knows when the moment will come I bought an excellent book to put by for when the time comes. You should be able to order it from WH Smiths. Remembering Grandad by Gianni Padoan ISBN 0-85953-311-5 This book is in the Facing up to series, about facing up to life's issues, and other titles are Break-Up, Danger Kid and Follow My Leader. Hope this helps. Dianne xx

im sorry to hear that, yes we dealt with it our kids were 2 and 8 when mum died, my daughter was really close to mum, mum worshipped the ground she walked on, in fact she looked after her for week while we moved house, and in that time told my daughter that a song on radio was for her from nana, the song was pretenders,- ill stand by you, that was the august, we didnt know that mum would leave us christmas eve, my daughter was as were we all devestated, id say tell your 9 year old, explain to her that you all have a special time with grandad, and then shell have lovely memories, and chance to say what she needs

Catherine, I was thinking of you on the train home from work and remembered a little thing we do with my neice's and nephew since their daddy died that may help you know how your daughter feels whilst granddad's ill. We have a little box we keep on the shelf in the living room. The kids know that if they're feeling sad or lonely or get that scared feeling they can't explain or their belly is full of butterflies and tehy don't know why they can go and pick up the box and hold it to their heart because it was a gift that daddy left them. It's really comforting for them and also helps us see when thy're struggling to cope with stuff they don't really understand. The box has this message written on it (perhaps grandad could give her her box) Here is a very precious gift That you can never see. the reason it's so special is It's just for you from me. Whenever you are lonely Or feel a little blue You only have to hold this gift To know I think of you. You neve should unwrap it Leave the ribbon tied Just hold the box close to your heart It's filled with LOVE inside

We're in that kind of situation now. I have 2 kids, 7 and 4. My sister's husband has advanced cancer. He's relatively young and they live close by. I've had a few conversations with my kids so far, firstly explaining that he is very, very ill. When they got used to that idea I extended it by saying that everyone hopes he will get better but that not everyone who has cancer does get better so we all have to keep our fingers crossed. I've also said that even if he doesn't get better he can still enjoy the time he has with us and we must make sure that he does. Its hard to get the right balance - being honest without scaring them, or worse still them coming out with the wrong comment in front of the sick person (depending on how much they know and accept themselves). I have made a point of answering straight questions with straight answers, pitched to their level of understanding. But I have never made any promises that he will get through it and never pretended. If I don't know the answer to something I say so. When I was young my older cousin developed aggressive leukaemia and then died. My parents had not told me that he had cancer as they didn't think I'd cope. Actually, though I would have been upset either way, I felt betrayed that I'd not known and it took me a long time to get over his death. Which is why I strongly believe honesty is best, though it may make us uncomfortable. Angela

MY son was 6 when we found out his beloved granddad had lung cancer and I answered anything he asked about things. When dad died in the local hospice I took my son to see him and he was fine, asking the nurse why granddad had his mouth open and things like that. He took everything in his stride and went with my mum and me to the Chapel of Rest to say goodbye too. I just explained that as granddad's body had become too worn out and poorly for him to stay with us (he was 79), the part of him that was really granddad had gone to a nice place where he would be comfortable and not in pain anymore, and that the old body was not needed any more so it would be cremated. My son was fine and was happy to talk about my dad with my mum and with me, and remember the happy and funny times we had enjoyed together. When my mum died suddenly from a heart attack (her third) my son was 13 and coped well once again. So long as you don't say things like they have gone to sleep or such, there won't be a scary mystery about death and your children will cope. You can tell them that it is ok to cry and that adults cry too, but that the person you love is always a part of them and what they had in love and memories will never be gone.

Hi Catherine. Sorry about your sad news. I also had to explain to my children about the death of their mother. Mine were a little older 7..9...10..12. There mum ( my wife ) died in 1991 of Cancer, and they saw her at her worst, so it made it a little easier to explain to them along the way before she died. After she passed away....i took them all to our local doctor, who had been treating my wife for the past 7 years, and to-gether we explained things to them about death, and why there mum had died. It was good therapy, and they adjusted quite well. That was my way of handling it, and it also helped me as well. Cheers. Tony Oz