General Chat

After going through various treatments for cancer and having a couple of strokes last year my poor Dad is now being assessed for dementia. So far they have ruled out any physical causes so the word Alzheimers is coming up often. We reached crisis point last Wednesday when he asked Mum who she was. It broke her heart and sent shivers down my spine when she told me. He has been going steadily downhill for awhile but he seems to have taken a sharp dive. It just isn't going to get better is it? Susan

big hugs for you all! xx

So sorry to hear that Susan. My dad is very ill with various things and that is my mums worst nightmare. She has pretty much taken it upon herself to look after him whatever but she says that would be the thing to finish her. Sending you lots of hugs (and your mum) ((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) Dianex

Oh dear Susan I know what you are going through. If you want to, pm me by all means. I might be able to give you some advice. I know what it is like when a loved one gets this awful illness. If he has early onset dementia you could try to get some of the new drugs that may help him in the early stages, but you will probably have to fight for them. Take care, Joan xx

Thank you both. Diane, my Mum has been wonderful and with our help has taken care of Dad so well, but she just can't cope anymore. We help all we can but she has to live with him. He wanders around the house at night and when she needs to get out we have to babysit him because if he doesn't see her he will go looking for her. We have reached crisis point, but at least we are getting support off Aged Care. I just can't stand to see my clever, sharp witted, funny Dad crying because he can't come home from hospital and staring at us with a blank look obviously wondering who we are. When he is feeling good he asks us if he is ok and will he get better. Maybe it will be better for him when he isn't aware that something is wrong. Susan

So sorry to hear about your Dad, Susan. It's a bit like my Dad. It all started when he had a mini stroke when he was 70 (12 years ago) which was followed by a more major stroke, then a few more mini strokes. He gets seen by some sort of team who are keeping an eye on his memory capacity and dementia has been mentioned. Then he underwent major surgery last September for anal cancer and in spite of contracting MRSA, he's made a remarkable recovery. Unfortunately it has taken a toll on Mam (80) who is starting to crack up now, so he has had to go into a Care Home. She is feeling very guilty about everything 'cos they are still very close (and I don't live in the UK). What a worry it all is. I understand what you are going through. Big hugs to you all.

Thank you for your kind offer, Joan. I may need your advice. The hospital doctor has already told us about medication that can slow the progress, but he also told us that he may be too far down the track for that. Then it is a matter of support and help for Mum. Luckily we all live close by, so can help where needed. Susan

Hello Susan, I'm so sorry for you for what you're going through, and I wish you the best. Try to be strong for mum. Baz

How old is he Susan, if you don't mind me asking? It is always worse for the carers, then the people themselves. Whatever you do, try to support your Mum as much as you can, and get support yourself from local carers groups etc. Do you have a local carers sitter's service where someone could come out for a couple of hours to look after him, to give Mum a break ? Or are there any day centres nearby (contact social services) where he could go for a day once a week, etc ? Then you could take Mum out somewhere for a break & have some time together. Joan xxx

Joan, Dad is 79. He has been through a lot of illness and his doctor told us that dementia can take hold very quickly when a person's defences are down. We have a meeting with a social worker after the weekend. She will be telling us all the resources we will have. Dad being in hospital at the moment is helping Mum to get some good sleep. The doctor told us that they can admit him to hospital and tell him he needs some tests so that Mum can have a break from him in future. Thank you all for your support, although it is nothing more than I expected. You are always ready with the right words. Susan

That's ok Susan. There are many of us in the same position on here, you are not alone, never forget that, and most are more than happy to lend an ear if you are having a bad day. It doesn't sound promising, I admit it does get easier for a little while when they don't know what's wrong with them, it's worse when they are aware, but sadly I can't lie & say that it gets better with time for those of us in the horrible postion of being able to do nothing but watch. It really is the 'Long Goodbye' illness. Try to push as hard as you can for the drugs that are available, they could give you your old Dad back for just a little while longer. All the best & contact me if you like, I don't mind. Take care Joan xxxxxx

susan my heart goes out you and your family. thinking of you love susie xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm afraid I haven't any advice, but would just like to send you postive thoughts and best wishes xx

Thank you everyone. Your PM's and replies are helping more than you know. What a terrible disease this is, it takes them away before you actually lose them. Again thank you so much. Susan

No Susan It won't get better but with help from your Gp and the social worker things can be made easier to cope with. See what help can be given ,then the hard part will be getting your mother to accept some help In my experience women are very reluctant to hand over part of the care to someone else , they always think that they can and should be able to cope ,even when the odds are stacked against them If your dad is offered respite care to give your mum a rest let it be just that for her There's no need for her to visit all the time You and your family are going to need all the patience and tolerance you can find but somehow you will My thoughts are with you and your mum & dad Love Bren (Rtd Ward Sister ) .

Bren, convincing my Mum to accept help is proving difficult. She feels she is failing him and told us that her vows said 'for better for worse, in sickness and health'. We are gently working on her! We are only just finding out what resources are available as we hit crisis point on Wednesday. This is all new for us. Again, thank you all for your support. Susan xx

Sending you all ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sending big hugs ((((((((()))))))))

So sorry your family is having to deal with this illness and hope you get as much help as you can so your mum doesn't wear herself into the ground. I am sure you have already said this to her, but whilst it is honourable of her to try to keep her wedding vows, she has to ask herself if your dad could evaluate the situation would he want her to make herself ill caring for him, when a lot of the time he won't recognise her and could become aggressive or violent. He also made those vows and wouldn't want to be causing her more pain or worry than he could help, bless him. I was lucky in that altho my parents both died at 79 years of age, they died from heart attack (Mum) and lung cancer (Dad) and were both very much aware to the end. I helped with my elderly neighbours, one of whom had a husband who was getting very confused and driving her up the wall sometimes, and another who cared for her sister with Alzheimers and then suffered from it herself after her sister had died. She had already nursed her husband who also had Alzheimers prior to her sister coming to live with her. A cruel illness and very much the Long Goodbye. Will be thinking of you. Liz

thoughts and prayers for you and your family tina x