General Chat

Why are mothers who leave their children when a relationship ends seen as worse then fathers who do? And why is it other women who seem to judge them the hardest?

I can't answer that David.... all I can say is my daughter left her son with his father for all the best reasons. She only lives round the corner and sees him everyday but is absolutely racked with guilt now. Jean x.

I have no idea David. Maybe because it's the woman who has the pregnancy or possibly it's because the woman is traditionally seen as the carer and who even nowadays is usually, though not always, the one who is mainly responsible for childcare. It's a complex situation with no easy answer.

Was she given a hard time about it Jean? I was listening to two old bags calling someone the other day for the same thing and they had no idea about all the ins and outs of it.

You're probably right Julie, but it doesn't seem right to me that one parent should be seen as having more parental responsibility than the other cos their sex.

I'll admit that i would find it hard to understand a mother who left her children but then I find it hard to understand a man who does too! A child is a gift and should be treated that way!! xx

Yes David... she is given a hard time. People are very quick to make judgements without knowing all the facts. I know most women will say they could never leave their children under any circumstances but most of them never have to make that decision anyway. So who knows.

That's sad Lynda - poor woman. Perhaps I see it differently to all of you because I'm adopted - I don't see that because a woman carries the child it makes the bond any stronger than that with the father.

I don't know but both parties should be treated equally. Years ago it was illeagle for a mother to abondon her family (husband and children) probally because the father was working allday and couldn't look after the children as well. Also a woman carries the child for 9mths and then gives birth, this usually has a strong bond and a mother can't denigh that the child is hers, but a man can denigh being the child's father (it is a wise man that knows the identity of his father!) Now I think that if you leave your family you should only be judged on if you did the right thing under the circumstances and no-one should be able to make you feel guilty.

I'd agree with you David - parental responsibility should be shared and if things go wrong - it should still be shared where it can be. Sometimes the problem between the parents will prevent this or it may be a parenting problem that has caused the rift. Why ever something happens, there will always be old bags (or their male equivalents - old farts?) who will bad mouth other folk without knowing the full story. Even if they know the full story, if they are inclined to bad mouth they will do regardless of circumstances - they just need to get a life of their own. :) And Jean - those people should walk a mile in your daughter's shoes before they say anything at all.........they probably know nothing. Best wishes Helen

David I agree with you, one parent should not be judged more harshly than the other but, unfortunately, it happens.

I don't know, David. My stepdaughter had to leave her children with her partner, because of health reasons. She still feels guilt, even though she had to do it because of her love for them (hope that makes sense). She hopes she will be able to return one day.

You're right Helen - people hardly ever know all the circumstances of any situation. I know what you mean Joy - personally I've found most people I know who are no longer with their children for whatever reason feel guilt and tremendous sadness.

I don't think anyone can judge anyone elses reason for leaving a child whatever they are...... it must be a heart breaking decision!! xxx

Personally, I think women give other women a hard time because many of us have a strong maternal instinct which we find very difficult to sever...and we feel all mothers should have this instinct too. As a mother, I cannot imagine walking away from my child, and letting others bring them up be it the father or someone else. My natural instinct feels this is not right.for a mother to do (even though there are fantastic single dads out there ) Its very difficult to accept many women dont feel the same way. Of course there is no right or wrong, and some women do want to walk away from their children's upbringing, but then again, some women HAVE to walk away through illness, or any other circumstance which may or may not be helped. I do think though, even though 2 parents love the child equally, a mothers bond is different to a mans bond with the child. Feeling the child grow inside you, feeding from you to grow, the rush of hormones, etc, creates a bond that is naturally stronger. It also doesnt mean either parent loves the child less or more than the other Elaine x

Interesting one this. I do understand what you are saying Elaine but, as the mother of both birth and adopted children I'm not sure that I agree. The bond between both my birth children and adopted children is built on the love that I feel for them and the protective mother instinct that is part of my maternal make up. If it is within my power I would no sooner let anyone hurt the children who I didn't bring into the world than the children I did. I do often feel guilty because I work full-time and my husband has the day to day responsibility for our children - presumably because my maternal instinct thinks that isn't quite right but I know that the care they receive is as good as it would be with me and I just try and spend as much time as possible with them when I'm at home. Helen

I'll tell ya cos, Mothers are supposed to be maternal and its harder to take that they can leave there kids. I am saying this as someone raised by their Dad I would like to add that I don't see every mother who leaves their children as bad people. Just from my experience I find it hard to understand!

Hi David,Personally I think it just unnatural, Women are by nature the ones that protect and nurture,I just find it very odd when a woman can walk out on her child, its not natural! P.S Hope your well!

I also want to add that my relationship with my mother would mean given a choice I would always have gone with my Daddy......... I was given that choice at 40 and I took just that path!! She doesn't have a maternal bone in her body and that's her make-up..... not a criticism of her, just a fact! XX

Elaine, Mags and Roxanne (Hiya Roxanne;))) I have a real problem with that argument:)) For several reasons but mostly because I'm adopted. Firstly, there's a bit of defensiveness for whatever reasons birth mothers have for giving up their children for adoption. Secondly, because it devalues the bond between a father and a child. Thirdly and most importantly for me, it's suggesting that the relationship between an adoptive mother and her child can never be as strong as that between a biological mother and her child. And that's so wrong. PS - sorry just re-read the posts and it's more for Elaine:)) Agreeing with Helen really:)