General Chat

please see below.

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer. CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go. (Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie) BARKER: Four Candles! CORBETT: Four Candles? BARKER: Four Candles. (Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter) BARKER: No, four candles! CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles! BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks! (Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next? BARKER: Got any plugs? CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs? BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom. (Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter) CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size? BARKER: Thirteen amp! CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs! (He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away) BARKER: Saw tips! CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that? BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws. CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next? BARKER: 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's? BARKER: 'O's. (He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's! (He places the hose onto the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him) BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's! CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there! (He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's) CORBETT: How many d'you want? BARKER: Two. (Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter) CORBETT: Yes, next? BARKER: Got any P's? CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want? BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas! CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on? BARKER: I'm not! (Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas) CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next? BARKER: Got any pumps? CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on! BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps! CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere. (He puts the pump down on the counter) BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine! CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on! BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not! CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next? BARKER: Washers! CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers? BARKER: 'Alf inch washers! CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there! JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two? (He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!) bryan.

Byran it is the best ever sketch a classic, I still chuckle whenever I see it Joanne

Hy Bryan, I have seen that Television Sketch about the dead parrot so many times but still laugh my head off every time I see it again. Betty

I hate it. It's not funny! Not just becuase it's old, I like some of the Monty Python stuff, that is funny!

Im with you Bryan,Its a Classic:-))) I think its one thats very well thought out!

well done bryan - brought a tear to my eye - my dad always reminded every one of ronnie barker its the best - a classic

oh dan, how can you say you hate it? i like monty python too, i think some of their sketches are funny. i also love OFAH, and the ' inflatable dolls ' bryan.

It's too simple for me. Word play is ok, but I need more to tickle me. I was brought up on Spitting Image. Can't remember it now but apparently I loved it :-)

Thank you sooo much! I said the other day that I was trying to remember the rest of the sketch. That's brilliant. Mags xx

Bryan to answer your question ................... YES YES YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

had thunderstorm here, so switched off computer. glad you liked it.... dan sometimes simple is best :o) bryan.

I don't think that kind of comedy can ever be topped Bryan, all you have to do is say 'four candles' and you are immediately transported back to a small DIY/hardware shop, that could have been seen in any part of Britain at the time. The same with the Parrot sketch, how they did that without corpsing I do not know.

similarly sally, whenever i hear anyone break wind, i giggle, as it always reminds me of inspector Clouseau, and several others, standing in a lift, and someone breaks wind rather loudly. apparently, they laughed so much filming it, that it took about fifteen takes to get it right, bryan.

While I agree about the Four Candles sketch, (and the Parrot one) I loved the Victoria Wood 'Acorn Antiques' sketches she used to do! Does this count as there was more than one? Allie x

brilliant allie, julie walters as mrs overall, is another classic.

Yes, Julie Walters is SO funny! Allie

Can anyone remember the programme The Two Ronnies did 'Beside the Seaside'? It had no dialogue at all, but it was so funny. The first time I watched I laughed so much. Those two are comic genuises.

Bryan, Anne beat me to it but YES, YES, YES. Was hoping that was the sketch as I opened your thread! Daisy

The Two Ronnies were brill , Monty Pythons were fantastic , Tommy Cooper was out of this world just used to look at him and burst out laughing