General Chat

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Do any of you know one of these? Is it an illness, addiction or simply attention-seeking? I have a friend who is a compulsive liar, she is a lovely, kind person but just can’t help embellishing her life story. It’s got to the stage now where she’s ‘on a roll’ and can’t stop, but she doesn’t realise that everyone knows she doesn’t tell the truth! I was interested in this, so I had a browse on the net and this is what I found: “Compulsive lying is quite common. Medically speaking, compulsive liars can have serious personality disorders. A few are psychopathic, but others are merely suffering from some form of neurosis.” “Being a compulsive liar doesn't necessarily hold people back in their careers. I once worked with a woman who could not help embroidering the most outrageous details of her social life. The sad thing was that though she was successful professionally, it was clear that her lying left her out in the cold socially - and anyone that initially wanted to be her friend soon got pretty fed up with her fantasies and gave up on her”. “Compulsive lying is a form of addictive behaviour.” Any suggestions for how I broach this subject (or not!) with her? Mandy in Somerset :)

I know one. It's called the labour party

hi mandy, don't envy you having to discuss it with her, as sometimes it becomes such a habit, that the person actually believes the lies to be true, quite often the person is actually suffering from obsessive compulsive dissorder, and needs councelling. bryan.

Led by one Tony Bliar

Bryan, you're so right, that's the problem. She has obviously convinced herself that she's telling the truth. Many of her friends are getting so fed up with it, that I'm afraid she will end up lonely and friendless. I agree with you about the OCD connection. Mandy xx

Lynda, I agree, I also cringe with embarassment when I hear what's being trotted out lol! I suppose in some ways it must be quite nice to live in fantasy land instead of the real world? Mandy :) x

I think it most probably a symtom of something more serious, an illness of some kind as Bryan suggests. The question is.................... what lies behind it? To be honest I do not know what to suggest. I wish you luck with your friend. Gerry :-))

Sometimes gentle teasing can help - when they start telling you how they were whisked off in a spaceship by little green men or whatever, laugh uproariously and say 'Honestly, your imagination never stops amusing me'. This gives them a bit of a back out route, if they want it, because I think sometimes compulsive liars don't know how to stop themselves. If they can laugh with you and say 'yeah, ok, maybe it wasnt quite like that' then you have let them know their lies are rumbled, without forcing them to insist it is true. Probably best to do this in a one to one, rather than in a group, though. But how anyone could lie about their daughter having cancer is quite beyond me, and if it proves not to be true, I am afraid I would have to tackle this head on and 'express my disapproval' as it were! OC

Many years ago I knew someone who clearly read those ‘Commando’ type magazines and imagined himself there most of the time. He had clearly crossed the line between this and a fantasy world. Anyone listening to his stories would KNOW that they couldn’t possibly be true – but they were entertaining for all that! Compulsive liars obviously do have a psychological problem of some sort and as like other addicts, they first have to realise and then admit they have a problem before they can do anything about it. Your friend may not appreciate being approached in this way, no matter how well meaning your intentions. You are right about her losing friends, it will happen because people do tire of being lied to even when they know it is happening. What your friend also risks, by living in this fantasy world is that if the real world intrudes and they want to share it too, that won’t be believed either. Compulsive liars can be entertaining – like I said earlier, but the world that man inhabited was his own little world. Attention seeking comes when friends are expected to enter the compulsive liar’s fantasy world and are successfully persuaded into believing those lies. That’s where friends are lost too; they feel betrayed when they find out the truth. I hope you find a way of getting round this problem. To my shame, I would be one of those friends that walked away when the lies got too much. Mags x

Years ago, I was friendly with a woman who told me with great emotion that her mother had died when she was a child and she had been brought up by a horrible stepmother. She married and I was invited to the wedding, at which were two sisters of my friend and a lady they called 'Mum'. I remarked to one of the sisters 'Is that lady your stepmother?' She looked astonished and said, 'No, she's my real mum'. I said 'But I thought T's mum died when she was little and she was brought up by her stepmother' Sister looked at me as if I was mad and said 'I don't know where you got that from, but its wrong'. I felt stupid and humiliated. Later, my friend must have got wind of this conversation and said 'That lady we call Mum, she's just a family friend'. I never spoke to her again. OC

Hi Mandy I have a relative who is also a compulsive liar! Amongst an endless stream of lies, she went so far as to tell us all she was having a baby and put on weight and wore maternity dresses etc even her own mother was excited about the birth which was not to be! I agree that it is some sort of illness and perhaps it is some sort of personality disorder rather than OCD. It is a difficult one to tackle with your friend and I agree with OC that it could be done in a sort of jest to begin with! Good luck Mandy hope it works out for your friends sake Kaz x

I've had a personal experience of a compulsive liar who caused great anguish to several people and made me who was a work colleague very angry. Now if I think someone is lying then I just laugh, not unkindly, but I won't be that gullable again. I also worked with a girl who fell for an undercover cop. He was exforces and a real hunk. Really nice lad. They decided to get engaged and he pointed out a large house which he said he used to live in. He was an orphan etc. She then began to suspect he wasn't as kosha as he said and it then all hit the fan. He was an undercover cop, was in £80,000 debt, his parents were still alive and well etc etc. Needless to say the relationship ended and he got booted out of the police force. Funnily enough a few years ago I was reading the newspaper and there was some celeb who had hired bodyguards and you guessed it. There was he as bold as brass with his picture in the paper. I haven't got a problem generally with people who tell porkies but when it hurts and affects others then it is a serious problem. Aileen xxx

I do know some one like this and altho she does a lot of good ..collecting and delivering goods to 3rd world countries while on hols. I still believe she has lost a lot of 'friends' due to her tendency to 'embelish'. I know she is lonely , but I think this tendecy is an illness more than anything, a compulsion to be heard, to be needed.If any one knows the answer , there is no easy solution.I would love to hear ... how do I tell my Mum she is a Walter Mitty

I have a friend who is tactless in the extreme, honest as the day is long and always calls a spade a b******y shovel. Whilst both in the company of a compulsive liar who was giving us some self-dramatic tale of pity, my friend suddenly said 'Oh, fgs,stop trying to make yourself sound more interesting' Cruel - but it worked! She shut up after that. OC

lol OC wish I could do that to a mother....and trust me I've been blunt !

Love the Christmas name, Mandy. I work with teenagers, as you know, and to some of them lying is second nature - usually to avoid trouble. A few of them embroider in an effort to appear more interesting to their peers but this usually backfires. At that age they are much more confrontational and the poor liar ends up a laughing stock and loses many friends. One such is now at uni and hasn't changed her habits. I actually feel really sorry for her. When she was 15 she invented a rape and the birth of a child at the age of 11 - although she was in one of my groups then and I'm sure I'd have noticed. I only found out when she killed the child off in a car accident and one of the others asked me to raise a collection. She stopped coming before I could tackle her about it but the child has reappeared in her uni life, I've been told. With her, as with other adults, it is pathological and a mental illness. Most youngsters grow out of it. It must be very wearing to be involved with a pathological liar as you could never tell when they are telling the truth. It must be hard to be the liar as well - so many lies to remember and more lies to be invented to explain the earlier lies. I think they must be very unhappy to need so much attention, which eventually becomes attention of the wrong kind. I'm guessing it's down to low self esteem but how can they ever raise their self esteem when they must despise themselves for the lies? Friendships must be shallow because they have to keep moving on once the lies are exposed. I hope the girl I taught seeks help or she will have a very lonely life. The sad thing is that she is a lovely girl, apart from the lies, kind and caring. She just doesn't feel interesting enough. Gwynne

Thank you all very much for your replies. I guess it's like any other addiction - the person can't get help unless they realise they need it? If only they realised that their friends love them for who they are, not what an 'interesting' life they lead. Mandy x

Hello Mandy, yes, I know a compulsive liar - its my brother. He's always been like it, and always gets caught out... don't believe a word he says anymore (although ironically I don't think he does it quite so much anymore). The only good thing about it is because I've got quite good at spotting the lies, I can normally spot one of these fantasists a mile off ! Paul xxx

I think some people weave such a tangled web of lies, that even they forget the truth sometimes. maybe they really do believe themselves? Jess