General Chat

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Tonight (Mon 18 Dec) at 9pm on Channel 4 - worth watching I think: 'Between 1936 and 1976 around half a million babies in Britain were given up for adoption, many of them against the wishes of their mothers. Now, as new legislation is introduced giving birth mothers the right to local authority help to find their children, this programme journeys with two women as they embark on the long and emotional search for their missing children'

Sounds interesting,must watch this! Carolx

Timely nudge - it's on at 9pm

I didn't actually see the programme and had not heard about the change in legislation. Are parents actually given information about their children or do the children have to consent to information being given? Or in the case of minors, do the adoptive parents have any say? This isn't a subject that affects me personally but I do and have worked with many it does affect. How do adopted adults feel about this change? Jacky :-)

Hi David:) Wish I hadn't blooming watched it now - only made me miserable lol! I'm not sure whether I agree or not, but they did make it quite clear that it had to be done via an 'authorised' route. Hi Jacky The law changed exactly a year ago. It will not allow birth family members to search for the adoptee until the adoptee has reached 18. Again, with the search being done via an 'authorised' route - Social Services or an approved agency like NORCAP - each step is taken very cautiously and sensitively. Like I said to David though, I'm still not sure whether or not I agree with it. As to your question how adopted adults feel about this - I was very badly rejected when I traced my birth mother a few years ago, so I think that if she'd sought me out, at least I would have felt less unwanted. Mandy x

Hi Mandy, I am sorry you had such a bad experience. Is there an agency that takes details of both 'child' and birth mother / father that makes sure both parties are interested? I know it would be hard to know that someone wasn't interested but that could be for so many reasons and it could save the hurt of rejection. Are other relatives allowed to make contact such as Grand parents, Aunts, siblings? Jacky :-)

David... I take your point entirely, but what about the birth parents, are they to have no rights whatsoever then ?

Jacky I think (but not entirely sure) that any member of the birth family can take steps towards contact. In my case, I did actually use Norcap but of course they have to report back to the adoptee - so we would still know if the birth mother wasn't interested. Also, in my case, my birth mother kept changing her mind about contact and it got even worse, but I know that I'm in the minority. I did get a nice half-brother out of it, so a semi-happy ending lol! David I see your point about the intrusion into the adoptee's life, but then it's the same the other way round isn't it? However tactfully it's done, the birth mother still knows that the adoptee has tried to make contact. Perhaps it would have been better all the way round if contact was only allowed once both parties had put their names on the Adoption Contact Register. I don't know, I'm thinking out loud lol! Mandy x Update: David, I see that we're in agreement about the contact register!

Mandy, I am pleased you had some good come out of your experience with finding a brother. What I meant by an agency being involved was more or less what you put - about making sure both parties are registered as interested before doing anything. At the end of the day I think both parties start by just wanting questions answered. 'Why was I adopted'? and 'Is my child Ok'. Is any information obtained from the parent before adoption to give a child wanting to know in later years? Jacky :-)

David I definitely agree with you that the adoptee is the only one involved that didn't have any choices in the matter, and for that reason, they should be the one with the ball in their court. One of the birth mothers on the programme last night stated that her son had the right to know anything he wanted from her, but that she didn't have the same right from him. I thought that was lovely of her to recognise that fact. Mandy

Jacky There's a certain amount of information taken from the birth mother, although of course they might not be telling the truth, especially about the putative father. There are things like education and job history, family setup, religion etc. I initially made contact because I wanted medical history details (I have ME and my son is epileptic); although my birth mother and her family were all healthy 42 years ago, there are often hereditary conditions that occur in later life. My birth mother has late onset diabetes, so this was useful to know and my GP has it marked on my medical records. Mandy

It is just so sad for everyone involved that a decision that was made maybe under pressure, for making a better life for a child or just because circumstances were not fit for someone to raise a child, can cause so much misery so many years later. We all moan at times about our families and maybe wish we had others, but at least we can do that in the comfort of knowing who they are and where we come from. I am fortunate that when I was pregnant at 17, I was lucky enough to not have to go down that avenue. Good luck everyone with your searches and hopefully meetings. Jacky :-)

Jacky It's strange how adoption seems to cause us more angst as we get older - I think it starts getting back to the 'nurture vs nature' debate in that we get more like our birth parents as we get older. Another interesting subject! Whilst I know that the person who carried me and gave birth to me didn't want me, I am secure in the knowledge that I was very much wanted and very much loved by my wonderful adoptive parents, the people who are my Mum and Dad in every sense of the word. In that respect I am far more fortunate than many people :) Mandy x

mandy has so beautifully put what i would have said , in a nutshell, so much so that I would like to repeat it Whilst I know that the person who carried me and gave birth to me didn't want me, I am secure in the knowledge that I was very much wanted and very much loved by my wonderful adoptive parents, the people who are my Mum and Dad in every sense of the word. In that respect I am far more fortunate than many people Jess x

Jess, hugs xx

David, Thanks for your clarification, and yes, i agree with you that the biological family should only be allowed to register an interest and that the onus to then check that register should be with the adoptee (although they have to know the register exists of course). I wasn't aware that this was likely to change, so I guess I should have paid more attention lol Paul

Just watched it- OH video'd it for me last night. realistic -probably felt for the lady from Cornwall more than the other one maybe its just me, but somehow I think the one from cornwall would have been more 'realistic' in her need for her 'once son' that the one that was more successful, that actually met the one-time son. Categorically agree with David on who the initial step forward should come from Adoptee > b/parent every time .and not vice versa

As it says many of them were given up against the Mother wishes which did happen in them days families had a lot more influence in them days and forced unmarried Mothers to get rid of there babies, So from that side of the coin i agree with the change in legisalation, Lilx

Kathy I think they were looking at the BMD indexes and yes, anyone can look at these. They were probably checking details of the adoptive family, as they have to make very sure that they're contacting the right person/people. They'd also match up info from the BMDs with electoral roll info as well. However, what nobody can do is match up an original birth name (from the BMDs) with the new adoptive name. Hope this helps, Mandy :)