General Chat

Margaretta - and others, you've opened my eyes!!
My mother and her 2 siblings fell out - not sure why, could have been jealously. When Gran went into hospital, mum, sister and I went down to clean it up a bit for her return. When she went into a home, we went down to clear it out, and invited mums siblings to anything they wanted. Mum & sister were staying at my brother's house, I was travelling down by train every day. Sister appeared to take what she wanted, I had to take anything home on the train, and mum accused me of 'being greedy'.(sister was mum's favourite - but it's not sister's fault)
Gran was a hoarder. Mum was about to throw out damp cards she had found, I dried them out (Christmas/birthday cards from gran's gran etc), and mum took them!! I was somewhat peed off by this.
We also had to change the locks, as someone got in - found out it was mum's siblings. Couldn't be bothered helping us clear the house, just used their key to take what they wanted.
Gran died a few years later, aunt & uncle were as mean as they could be to mum at the funeral.

Over the years, stuff that my sister took from Gran's house is slowly moving my way. I'm a hoarder, she isn't. I have asked that, before she throws out anything that was gran's she offers it to me.
My computer desk has been thrown out, I now use my g gran's sewing desk, and sit on one of the two piano stools gran had.

My mum died suddenly, and totally unexpectedly in December 2012, just before Christmas. She felt ill on 18th, and was dead by 22nd.

We couldn't get a flight out to Portugal, where she lived, until late January. Her friends dealt with her cremation for us (for which we're eternally grateful), and me, my sister and 2 brothers went out in February, to have a memorial service, collect her ashes, (and distribute some with her dead dogs and late husband's ashes) clear her stuff and see her solicitor.
Her house also had to be sold. She'd made a will (of which my sister had a copy), sister and younger of the brother's were executors - which pleased me and other brother no end!! Honestly, we could think of nothing worse.
I was to get the genealogy stuff, (which included gran's cards) - in fact it was 8 huge boxes of 'stuff' which no-one else wanted anyway - and I still haven't gone through them, but I know a lot of it is what I already have.
House to be sold and proceeds shared between the 4 of us, and the grandchildren (3 of us have 2 children each) were to get what was in her bank accounts.
Now, I knew mum had a Japanese doll's tea set given to gran by g granddad. This I regarded as a family heirloom. No-one else wanted it, but sister thought it may be worth something, so wanted it valued and sold. I was happy to have it valued and pay the going rate for it, but pointed out that, it may have the lids, but the teapot was held together with metal solders!!
Brothers agreed I should just have it.
We then came across a very old Apothecary set, that my elder (childless) brother took a fancy to (it was lovely, even had the chemicals in the bottles!!) Sister, yet again wanted it valued etc. I pointed out that we had never seen it before, it may have belonged to mum's (late) husband (who we couldn't stand) and that said brother had no children. Our children were getting a nice wodge of pocket money - let him have it!
Other brother (the other executor) agreed with me. Eldest brother got it.

I can see how things can go wrong. Fortunately, sister was the only one with the 'official' hat on, the rest of us were pretty laid back.
We also didn't want the same scenario our mum had with her siblings.
Actually, her husband had siblings. Not one had visited him in Portugal - they'd lived there over 25 years - and when we informed them he had died, they weren't interested!!

House was sold at a knock-down price - a cheque in the hand is worth more than a vandalised empty house - cheques distributed to all and sundry at a final service to our mum /family gathering near her birthday, where a meal was eaten, and the remainder of her ashes scattered in a woodland burial ground, where she wanted to be buried.

Siblings and I had a 'get together' a month ago. We went down to a Smithy in Somerset my elder brother (a London-based artist) has been renovating for about 3 years, to help him with the laying of a concrete floor!! :-D

We know how to have a 'get together'!!!

:-S :-S :-D :-D

I'm off to work now,and will not be back on here until later. xx

Kitty-thank you for your comments.It was great that you stepped in and cleared the air with some plain talking at your Mother's funeral.

Your final two sentences are very true-especially the last one.Unfortunately my sister is very stubborn and will never contact my either me or my other sister again. :-(

Merlin-very true-it's usually to do with greed or money.

Joy-"No possessions were to me worth falling out over"-that's true,but in our case it's not only that,it's the lies and the deceit and the complete
disregard for the values that our parents instilled into us-we feel betrayed,and that's what really hurts.

Our parents,particularly our Dad,were honest to a fault.My Dad once insisted in walking back two city blocks in Perth to a shop where the assistant had overpaid him, to repay the princely sum of .5c!!

Hayley,it sounds as if you have worked out how to treat the antics of your mischievous Mum when she tries to rock the boat in your family-good for you!

:-D :-D :-D :-D

They say you should never row over an open grave ( before the funneral) .

My Mum has caused enough ill feeling between my sisters and I over money and her belongings, and she is still alive.

My mum had her own and my Grans wedding ring, she gave each to my sisters. Years later she brough her own wedding ring a much cheaper 9KT one a( the orignals were 22KT) I brought her a gold emerald engagment ring for her 80th birthday as she has never had an egagement ring and always wanted one, not so long ago she annouced at a family gathering that when she dies she is giving her rings to my niece. I bit and said I missed out the last time, she repiled I had enough diamonds I repiled " true I dont need yours" :-D not happy with this she then went on to say that she was changing her will in favour of 1 of my sisters, seeing her game now I instructed her to please change her will as anything I had I had worked for and provided myself, and anyway if she did leave me anything I would make sure every penny went to charity ........... I then listed a few of my choices......she asked what about your children, I said ohhhhhh dont worry they will have enough off me ;-) and I wont hold them to ramson over it either.....she hasnt mentioned it in a long while funny enough. :-D

when my husbands aunt died she left everything to my butler and me
we spllt the money with the neice and nephews
and gave all the rest to people who helped her
other peoples teasures are not always of value to others
we had our own treasures
i would of gave the world to have auntie betty back
no possesions where to me worth faling out over

but i did keep a ugly old trolley thing that belonged to her dad
as i had promised
the butler and i had many a fight since over where it should rest
at the moment i am winning and its in the garage lol :-D

I have a Sister who did much worse than that, I no longer have anything to do with her.Even her Daughter told her she was wrong to do it,to no avail she told her to mind her own business and not interfere or she would write her out of her will,My niece told her to stuff it as she did,nt want anything which she had wrongfully got.As has been said, you never know what comes out of the woodwork when some one dies.**M**.

My parents had the three of us who they adored, they both worked hard to buy their home.

I have been through a very tough few years during Mum's struggle with Alzheimers and, as she was self-funding, her money from the income of her house sale were eaten up quickly.

Brother, who has mental health issues, was not happy and many arguments ensued over the next 71/2 years, but we did the best we could under the circumstances.

At the time of Mum's death,my sister and brother weren't speaking and my brother and I were barely civil to each other, we worked together to organise her funeral...............me being piggy in the middle.

I stood next to her coffin at her funeral and said to my brother, who was looking like a lost sulky child.

" This stops now, Mum and Dad loved each other and all 3 of us, we should be standing together to honour them. They would have banged our heads together at times over the last few years, we need to put the past behind us and move on."

Sister came up and we had a group hug, brother even went to his daughter he hadn't spoken to for 8 years and said he was sorry and loved her.

22 months on, I have spoken to brother just the once, sister and he not at all, but there is no more nastiness in the air.

Niece has had no further contact with her Dad, but is so happy that she knows he loves her and wishes him happiness in his somewhat troubled mind.

As for things left by Mum and Dad...............they only serve to keep their memories alive, but as both of them live in my heart and are part of my soul, they really don't matter much in the end.

People are far more precious than any amount of possessions............no families ever fall out of the death of a penniless loved one, do they.

xx

Suzanne,what a sad story.I wonder why your sister turned so nasty?

Nolls-I guess that you have to do what you feel is right at the time,according to your conscience.The fact that your husband had your full support says volumes-you sound like a lovely couple.

Liz-as GeordieinNorfolk says,sometimes there's advantages in being an only child! Maybe you had better get started in sorting out your things in storage.It is very emotional and difficult going through a loved ones possessions after they die.Luckily I had my lovely sister to help me when I had to do it,she was great.Lots of laughter,and some occasional tears!!

Not all families have awful experiences after a loved one dies-when my MIL died,the 3 brothers and their wives and the sister and her husband
divided up everything very fairly and evenly,taking turns to choose what item they would like, and everyone without exception was happy.That's the way it should be! The local op-shops benefited also. :-) :-) :-D :-D

Well my poor son gets everything I have and that means all the stuff in storage as well, it will be a real problem for him if I don't soon sort things out. At least there will be no one to argue with him about anything and some of my things have a little value and he will get the house as well.

A little thing, my youngest brother who is an accountant so knows about things better than I do, sorted out Mum's 'will' (a handwritten note and not really witnessed or anything but she had so little to leave) and he took away the huge bag of photographs and other bits and pieces. He took what he wanted and then gave the bag to me, my other brother wasn't interested. I would love to know what pics brother took as it might have been better for us to go through them together and we could have made copies of the ones we both liked. I got lots I remembered and such but an awful lot that he couldn't put names to, altho I managed to identify a few more folk knowing more about the family that he did.

As has been said, there must be more fallings out and jealousy at funerals than at any other time in a family's history.

I can understand why you don't want the items at your home Margot, it's like rubbing salt into a wound. Remember happy times with your Mum

Lizxx

So sad but fairly common for families to fall out after a funeral. My husband had the Power of Attorney and Executor of his aunt's will (she had no family). Long before she died she would tell my husband that all her shares were for him (£14000) . When it came time to finalise the will hubby said "I can't take that money" - it was not written into the will as she didn't want his 3 siblings to know and they certainly wouldn't have ever found out but the thought that they might find out and think he had stolen it and cause a fall out within the family he just couldn't do that and although we were the most hard up with the largest family I agreed with him and to this day no one has ever found out...............Money's not everything but family is

my sister done the same last year,she chose to kick off at my daughters wedding and spoil the whole day,but she saved the best for last at the evening party,when she called my parents(both in their 70s) the most vile names and made a load of lies up about our family and posted it on facebook,i not on facebook but i had people coming up to me in the street and telling me what she was saying.

myself and my sister were very close and although we lived a 100 miles away from each other,always did as much as we could with each other.

it was a terrible shock when she did what she did.

its a horrible experience ,but a common one :-(

Good night all,I'm off to bed..work tomorrow!

Margot.

AnninGlos-that's a nice idea,but I have sent the ring and earrings up to my sister interstate as I couldn't bear to look at them.If my other sister wants them back she can have them.They have no sentimental value to me at all as they were never Mum's.

Thank you all for replying-I didn't realise that I had extra replies because I saved my post and couldn't see them.My apologies!!

Dear Liz, Thank you for your kind thoughts.We are not going to worry about any legal redress.I actually sent a copy of each of the "vile,upsetting emails" to her solicitor who just happens to be a friend of hers.I wanted him to know our side of the story.I am hoping that her actions will catch up with her one day,and she will be forced to admit what she has done.I was tempted to send a copy of our emails to her husband,but then my sister pointed out that if reading them precipitated a heart attack (he nearly died last year and had a 6 vein bypass over here) we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves, so we didn't do it.Your final sentence is so true!

SueMaid,thank you so much.

Susan-nz,that's so true,I love your late MIL's saying!

Sharron-Both sisters were precious to me,now only one is.

AnninGlos-Thank you for sharing your story.It sounds like your sister has quite a lot in common with mine-you are left feeling suspicious also.
We still have a ? over Mum's Mikimoto pearls and sapphire and diamond earrings and wedding ring,we had thought that maybe a member of staff at the nursing home had taken them,but now either Mum managed to lose them accidentally,or my sister took them as well.
We will never know.

Funerals and wills DO bring out the worst in people-but we naively thought that it only happened in other people's families,not ours.

AnnCardiff-what a sad story.I'm sorry to hear that you had so much to put up with as a result of the lies told by your spiteful cousin.At least now everything is back to normal and you no longer live with the hurt caused by her.

I love that saying-very true!!

Rose-Mum was 91 and living in a nursing home.She had enough money to last her another year there.She had dementia but made sense some of the time.For the last 6 months or so she was just existing,waiting to die.I visited her once a week.She had no idea what day,month or year it was and was very confused.She wasn't capable of looking after her own affairs.The middle sister,C, and I had joint financial and medical Power of Attorney over Mum.I was working so left it to C to manage Mum's affairs before she went to live overseas.
I am 100% sure that the idea to replace the jewellery was my sister's.
Mum had nothing to do with it.If my sister needed cash urgently she may have helped herself to it,as she had sole control then.We would not have known,nor would Mum.We had no reason not to trust her.

It definitely is better to give away items of sentimental value while the person still has their marbles.But..you don't know how much longer that's going to be.Mum actually had the names of the intended recipients taped to the underneath of the items,and we knew her wishes for the disposal of the jewellery,and that didn't happen.Mum's mental state changed a lot during the last 4-5 years of her life. Now... I guess that it's easy to be wise after the event!

Margot, when we couldn't find my Mum's bracelet I bought a similar (if cheaper) one to remember her by. Why not sell off the replacements that have caused so much upset and buy a piece of jewellery that you really like in remembrance of your Mum.

Margot. just one thing occured to me reading your post, you are 100% sure that at no point would your mum have asked your sister to take the items and sell them, buy cheaper replacement, to free up the cash for her own needs , your mum's that is?

No possibility either that your sister needed cash urgently and your mum helped her out? but neither wanted to let on?

Very sad if it has broken your family up.

It does seem best, from what I know from other people who have experienced similar, to give the 'inheritance' if it is objects of sentimal value especially, before one dies.

as the saying goes - "Where there's a will, there's a relative"

A friend of mine tells a story about his father who was illegitimate having been born some 2 years after his mother's husband had died.

My friends father was 16 years old at the time and had just started work when his mother died. He had 2 older half sisters who were both married with families of their own. One day he returned from work to discover that whilst he had been at work his 2 half sisters had returned to their mothers old home where he still lived and had removed absolutely everything. They had not even left him a chair to sit in or a bed to sleep in.

There is nothing like a death in the family when it comes to revealing peoples true character. Greed and/or jealousy is often exposed.

funerals can bring out the best and the worst in people

when my lovely Mum died the funeral was horrendous on so many levels - a cousin of mine, who had lived with us on and off as a child, decided that I did not care for my mother, that I had "forced" her into a home, rarely visited, and didn't like anyone else visiting her - all totally untrue

unfortunately my mother's family, of which there were many brothers, sisters and cousins, all believed the lies to be true, so on the day of the funeral my sister and I were shunned, so not only had we lost our lovely Mum, we had lost a large part of our family too

Years later one of my mother's brothers died, the only one who did not judge us, so with trepidation I went to the funeral, keeping well at the back and having no eye contact with any other mourners

I was shaking like a leaf and on the verge of breaking down, when it became apparent that they wanted to make amends, but I just couldn't take it at that time

When that brother's wife died I went to that funeral and they all gathered round, not apologising but making it clear they regretted what had happened.

I'm happy to say we are now back on track and the cousin who was at the root of all the problems is now an outcast - so good result all round, but so painful for many years

When I read stories like this, I'm really pleased that I'm an only child.