General Chat

SKIPPING CHURCH



Father O'kane woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father O'Kane headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father O'Kane hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Three irish fellers had enough money to buy a bottle booze, and decided to divvy it up by marking lines on the outside of the bottle..........

in the morning they awoke to find that the bottle was now only 1 third full...........

wheres that gonn said seamus? who's drunk my booze off the top? sorry said patrick, I was thirsty in the night and had to drink yours, to get to mine!!

The other Irish knock- knock joke.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Yul.

Yul who?

Bert Lancaster.

Ireland - proud of its men!

There are two kinds of Irish men - those who are alive & those who are dead. Those who are dead sleep under the most expensive headstones & those who are alive seldom have time to sleep during the day.

Irish men are usually recognised by the wiry texture of their hair which is normally fair & curly, if they are not bald, like Homer Simpson. They have a pair of almost lash-less bright blue eyes. They may be blue but they are rarely innocent.

Irish men are shrewd, progressive, industrious, crafty & full of guile. They are good at everything & particularly at making money. Irish men can be separated from others by the way they stand outside pubs having a smoke with their right foot at right angles to their left foot. They call this ‘the considering pose’ & is unique to Irish men. Away from the area, this pose will help you to recognise an Irish man anywhere in the world.

Irish men like Guinness mainly drinking direct from bottles. And why not! They smoke a lot. Irish men have a great belief in the law & have almost taken over the police force. A policeman, solicitor or a barrister, unless otherwise stated, is usually from Ireland or of Irish ancestry.

Irish men hate liberalism in any form, red cards included. Irish men are generally carefree with words because words are still relatively cheap but they hate big words or small words. Who would have used so many words composing this ditty if words were expensive?

They hate income tax, the cost of living & the cost of dying. Irish men make great salesmen, splendid supermarket managers, magnificent school teachers, spectacular clergy & fairly honest politicians - more so than their near neighbours.

Irish politicians can claim their expenses as well as anyone else. From a national economic point of view, Irish men can be considered Ireland's most indispensable citizens, if only they would not move elsewhere, especially to the UK!

They are very good & sympathetic bank managers. In fact, the best bank managers in the world are Irish born. Quite unique. Irish bank managers can be awkward sometimes but are effective fighters especially for the right to their big annual bonuses.

'Austerity' is a word they use often when discussing customer overdrafts. They are also excellent men managers, money managers, football managers & pretty good card players too.

In short, Irish men excel in everything they do & are spectacular in the field of commercial endeavour. When Irish men die, they go straight to Heaven - no hanging about. St Peter’s ancestors came from just outside of Dublin & it is reported that Irish men are in full control of the Celestial Civil Service.

Don’t forget to show your Irish Passport when you arrive at the Pearly Gates to be assured of a friendly Irish céad míle fáilte & a free glass of Guinness for everyone who has ever attended a Riverdance concert, an exuberant, vibrant & vivid celebration of Irish dancing.

There isn’t much else left to say. Oh yes - I suppose I should mention for the sake of balance that Irish ladies, who are not involved in politics, are all potential Miss Universe winners.

PS. Aren’t you glad now you read this piece of nonsense? By the bye, I'm not a bit biased. Begorrah!

Removal Men

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman got a job with a woman as furniture removal men. When she saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the Irishman was.

'Oh he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'

Fill my flask.

'Can you fill my flask with tea please?' asked Casey of the cafe owner.

'Certainly sir,' was the reply.

'Good,' said the Irishman. 'In that case I'll have five cups, two without sugar and three with!!'

An Irish man’s general philosophy: ‘You can accomplish more with a kind word & a shillelagh than you can with just a kind word‘.

Horse raffle.

The Casey twins had stumbled across a dead horse.

'What shall we do with it?' asked Michael.

'Let's raffle it,' said Joseph. '£2 a ticket, limited sale of 200 tickets.'

'But what happens when the winner finds out it's dead?' reasoned Michael.

'Sure, we'll give him his money back!' was the reply.

:-D :-D

Shouldn't have mentioned RR TerryJ.

Post a joke instead.............

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.

I saw two bald Irish fellows arguing over the ownership of a comb.

And I met this beautiful Irish girl many years ago. She had lovely long dark hair growing right down her back. It was a real pity though that none grew on her head.

blimmey i have been reported for saying i'm suprised this thread hasnt been reported
life gets stranger

:-D :-D :-D lol :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D copied some of them for FB :-D :-D :-D

Still laughing :-D

These threads always get reported, NanaSue. I think it is because almost all jokes make fun of others. Whether in is their nation, their skin colour, their disability.

And jokes we find funny in a private group seem to prove offensive to some Genes members. And it must be difficult for the reviewer not to uphold the complaint (which the rules demand) whilst laughing her or his head off.

Cruel world :-S

Why has terryj 's post been refered - some people obviously don't agree with him but we live in a county where freedom of speech prevails

waiting for some eejit to say this is racist :-(

Won't be me, and I have a couple of teaspoons of Irish blood.



:-D

Have you heard the Irish Knock Knock joke?

No?

You start............

These jokes have a certain kind of pulpit elequence. A sense of humour, they used to call it.

The downside is that too much laughing mists up my glasses.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Never mind we'll drink in the dark!"

:-D :-D.....Bob.

Keith and his mate Ron were playing a quick round of golf, but were slowed down by two lady players in front,so Keith goes to ask the ladies if he and Ron could "play through" but returned visibly shaken, "you'll never believe this Ron, but one of them is my wife and the other my bit on the side"...........Ron, looking at his watch said "not to worry, I'll go and ask them"...............a few minutes later he returned and said

"Keith you aint gonna believe this...................."