General Chat

interests, going places?

I am sure I have posted this before, but have just ( for the 3rd time this week and it's driving me to drink) been on the phone to a friend of my mum's, who lost her OH nearly two years ago...she is no further forward in coming to terms with it and finding things to occupy her time, because as she says herself they "did everything together", and they really did.

It's a reminder really not to rely too much on someone else and to have some independent pursuits and make time when you have to amuse yourself so you're not wholly unprepared when the worst happens :-(

We do both - some things together, some independently. I'm off for a couple of days on my own later in the month (did the same last year), just B&B and visiting friends/places. He likes DIY and gardening, I don't but will do the latter sometimes :-). We both read a lot and lead quiet, 'boring' lives in the main :-D

I lived on my own for a long time before marriage, so am used to doing my 'own thing'.

Possibly if you get married late in life (I was 32, OH was 24) you are happy to be together yet still have independent interests. It is still a huge shock when spouse dies, but often not a terminal one and (after a period of grieving) you try and make something out of what is left.

But so many couples are almost tied at the hip. It is lovely to see, but it does cause problems later. If one partner is ill, the other one will care for them past the time when it would be sensible to use specialist nursing care. And when one dies, the other just seems to lose the will to live themselves.

How many times do I look for a widows death within a few months of husbands death and find it immediately.

Same thing with us Sheila. Some of our independent interests overlap in areas though. We love being together but it's good also I think to sometimes exist as a totally separate person.x

OH is downstairs watching F1...an interest keenly shared with younger daughter, but certainly not with me. We do share an interest in family history and have been to B&Bs in various parts of the country where there are family links and within striking distance of the relevant archives.
In recent years he has renewed his interest in cycling and walking. I'll join in the latter, but not at his fast pace.
I'm a pottering gardener, he wouldn't notice if the grass was inches high and needing cutting.

We are quite happy to spend time together, but equally accepting of the other's own interests and persuits.... A healthy balance we think.

Gwyn

I think I have answered this before. Sorry to hear that your friend is no further forward Rose.

We do a lot together, we both enjoy (believe it or not) shopping, and walking - although not as far as we used to, in fact have just been in to town on the bus and had lunch out, walked round Gloucester docks looking at craft and food stalls and saw a contingent of Roman soldiers marching past. Then walked round some re-enactment tents and listen to a Squadronaires tribute group watching some shoppers jiving. (Today is Goucester day). Did a bit of shopping in M&S Outlet shop.
We enjoy going on holidays, and we also enjoy days out to NT properties and gardens (anyone see Hidcote on TV last night? Our favourite garden.)
We do a lot together, we both enjoy gardening.
I should miss him terribly if I were left alone.
But, I have my hobbies, I do a lot of craft work -card making and scrap booking, I read a lot, research the family tree, spend quite a bit of time on here although it was better when the writing group was in full swing. I love photography and I write a lot of letters to long term penfriends.
OH plays golf three times a week and is a member of the golf club a couple of miles away. So I have three long mornings to myself when I sometimes meet a friend for coffee.
We don't have many friends in this area but many aquaintances having lived here 20 years. I don't think you make friends easily unless you are a club joiner or have young children. All our friends are in other areas because we have moved around. However I quite like my own company and although I should miss him, I am pretty sure I'd survive. :-)

Yes. He goes to work and I stay home and play :-D :-D

32 and 24 'late in life'??? At 24 life has hardly started. :-S

we no longer do anything together cos he's in heaven and I'm still here :-)

However, we did have separate interests - he had his Welsh choir which took up a lot of time with practice twice weekly and lots of tours both in the UK and overseas

I had, and still have, my own circle of friends and was for a long time a member of a local ladies only club

I think it's vital to have separate interests - my lovely next dioor neighour died of cancer at a young age eighteen months ago - she and her husband had no separate interests and seemingly no friends - they did everything together - now he's left alone he is bereft, completely lost - I am positive he will never get married again and he's only in his early fifties. He has three lovely children and plenty of grandchildren and they keep him going, but sadly he's no further on with his grief.

I do my best to help him and he is an enormous help to me - with things that only men can do around the place - we both hope neither of us ever move away from each other as we depend on each other so much

Yes we do things apart....he goes to his job and I go to mine :-D

I have a problem with cash - OH did everything!! However, I can drive nd have a car - this is where a lot of widows lose out - if I didn't have my car I'd be really lost

Thankyou ladies, and John, for your replies :-) does sound like you all have a balance of time together and apart.

Ann that sounds like an ideal morning out :-D I did watch a bit of the TV programme on Hidcote last night, but in between researching as I had seen it before, lovely garden.

My friend didn't really do the financial side of things either, and again today mentioned that the gardener who to my mind is a rip off merchant at his hourly rate, charged 'extra' because he had to use a strimmer ( having not turned up when the grass was shorter!) ...and "the extra charge is for repairs to it as it needs them more often than the mower " :-|

AnnCardiff, I'm sure you and your neighbour value each others company and help enormously, I'm glad you can drive, that is a big help, wish my friend could as it would at least enable her to get out a little, mind you she is on such a busy road I don't think she would want to anyway.

Island :-D Yes, suppose does look a bit silly putting 32 and 24 as "late in life". But 34 years of marriage and no grandchildren yet!! My sister in law is exactly same age as me and had 3 great grandchildren - oldest now 7. And she is 66 too :-0

And (on the estate I was dragged up on) any girl not married at 19 was "on the shelf". And any boy not married at 22 was "gay" - in days before gay was really a compliment and a badge of honour. I could easily have got married in my teens, but am so thankful I didn't. Miss Right (selog yn y capel a ffyrnig ... better not translate) eventually arrived - but not till I was 30. And 30 sounds quite old when you are in your 20's. :-D

Rose, is there age concern where your friend lives. In some areas they help by advising over things like gardeners. In fact I am sure I have read that in some areas there are volunteers who will do things like gardening, or there are people who will do it at a reduced rate. It sounds as if she should fins another gardener who is not going to rip her off.

Re finance, we do both know about the finances. OH deals with our savings and also checks banks on line while I actually (because I prefer to do it that way) balance the bank against account books I keep for the housekeeping accounts etc.
I know that I am likely to have a bit of a problem if left because our ISAs are all on line/postal and they have to be dealt with over the phone. I deal with mine at the moment by talking briefly to them and giving permission for them to deal with my OH on my behalf. But hopefully I shall be able to get somebody to shout. :-D

One problem a friend had when widowed was getting her phone/broadband/TV company (VM) to change the account into her name, she was passed from pillar to post because, despite explaining that her husband had recently died, they insisted that they had to have the signature of the exisitng person to change the account (He, of course was the sighnee.) In the end she happened to get somebody who was herself recently widowed, so after sharing a few tears, they got it sorted. But she found it all very upsetting and unnecessary.
I think, until it happens, we don't realise how much time it will take to get all the red tape and paperwork sorted. And there is not a lot you can do to ease the transition.

We have both made a list of addresses and phone numbers of people to be contacted in the event of our death, but it is not going to make the actual process any easier.

We call ourselves Derby and Joan, we have separate holidays, he goes to Thailand I go to Australia or America. we have a few shared hobbies too.

He likes walking as in long distances, l like crafts, computer and vol work. He loves sport as in all sport, he'll watch it on telly all day!! l like some sports and will watch some with him, we both got quite excited with the olympics and now the Para olympics. S we both have our own and share.

My sister and her OH did seperate things too, but she is completely lost since he died 2 yrs ago, its not the hobbies etc they did or did'nt do together but the loneliness, waking up in the morning on her own that effects her.!!!!
She ruled the roost whilst he was alive as far as the telly is concerned too!!
But yes he did everything re bills etc, she's learned so much , its a must that people learn to know what to do if their partner dies!!!!

jude :-)

I do think that one thing I would find hard is not having somebody to talk over things with. Not being great on the phone I tend to converse by email and not having a lot of local friends I would probably go some time without a human to talk to. Having said that, I am aware of the problem so would try and find somewhere to 'join' so that I did have people to talk to. That is assuming I am still fit of course.

It can get lonely at times - like today, I have yet to have a consversation with anyone today - apart from my cat that is - could be the same tomorrow as well - and when you get some exciting news, no one to tell straight away - someone to share it with - wish that he knew what was going on and what has happened since he's gone - what would he think of how I've managed our very large garden - things like that

Well we do some things together like the weekly shop and I take him to Church on Sunday now he has stopped driving. We do family visits together too that is the norm,

He isnt into family research though so I spend LOADS of time in my study(the smallest bedroom!!) whilst he is in the lounge listening to his music. He says he doesnt mind cos he knows I am in the house and he feels me there!!.

He has been diagnosed with dementia so who knows what the future will be

Ann, yes I can imagine that would be the case.

Shirley I am sure that yours in the future could be a different sort of loneliness. But you are both preparing for it which is sensible. I hope it is held back for him as long as possible, and hopefully he will continue to enjoy his music.

that's tough Shirley - really hard to deal with - as Ann says, let's hope it's a slow process and doesn't develop to the point where you feel he's still there but you've lost him, if you know what I mean - think you're gonna have to be very strong with the road that lies ahead for you both