General Chat

Hope I live to be able to be feisty and cantankerous at that age. :-D OH might say I am now :-D :-D :-D

Ann you are well excused ...Mersey´s nan does sound great doesn´t she, reminds me of my Gran to be honest (on my dads side)cantankerous and lovely ;-)

Mersey (excuse me Uzzi). Long may your Nan be grouchy she sounds great!!!

Mersey thank you,

You haven't gone on at all and I am so pleased that you and your Mum had a happy end to it all. This thread needs comments like yours as well as others. It's very uplifting for those who have to go that route.
Sadly Mum already knows the care home she would go in and as much as she likes it, to her it's only another hotel to be tolerated.

Thank you tho' for taking the time to read and to comment ..I need all the help I can get :-D

Uzzi i feel for you so much, my Nan is 91, 92 on Sunday(Bless her) we went through exacty the same thing with her, virtually everything you are saying from memory loss to urine infections and so much more....She lived on her own through choice she was and still is a very independent old battle axe lol, and i know she wont mind me saying it either :-)

We have had a few problems in the family, BIG ONES, which all of us do in life and my Nan whom I love with every beat of my heart was getting to a stage in her life where she could not look after herself she would not let us help her, got very nasty and abusive sometimes ( she didnt realise fully what she was doing) she was just rebelling and locked in a body she could no longer take care of.....

My mum went through every possible angle and situation to come to to make it easier not for herself or the family but for Nan....
It was decided with lots of help that she should visit a nursing home, cant say she particucually liked it at first but we had to be strong and also make her see what she needed in care.....

She was so under weight when we eventually decided to put her in this particular care home, the staff were lovley, grounds and room were lovley and the facilities great too.....Have to say when she first went in she absolutley detested it but within a few weeks we had our Nan back, she was putting on weight, her moodswings changed she even gave up Ciggarettes , she had been smoking from the age of about 14..
:-|

She does things now she would never ever dream of, thats not to say she is forced into anything or made to do something she does not enjoy. She can still be a Grouch, but at 92 she is allowed lol..We have made friends with the nursing staff, infact my Sister has made a best friend, and so have I, his name is Reggie and hes 95 and likes the ladies ;-)

My Nan is my hero always has been always will be and long may she be Grouchy......!!!


It might not be your solution like it was ours but please know that just around the corner no matter what you think there will never be an answer, there is honestly, you and your OH will get there....

I wish you well Uzzi , sorry if I have gone on a little.....
<3 <3 :-)

Thank you Ann I may need you all more than you can imagine .....and that's before she moves out here :-D

You have really given this a lot of thought Uzzi so the bestw e can do now is to let you sort it out. Just know thatw e are all still here for you to talk to when the going gets rough. <3

It's taken me awhile to reply to everybody because I read all the comments and then went away to take it all onboard and seriously think about what I am doing aswell as put everything to OH.

I shall hope to reply to everybody here.

My Mum is 82, not good on the old legs and is suffering from some memory loss. This believe me is selective a bit like her hearing. Nobody at this stage has said that the memory loss is due to anything but old age. She does have a re-occurring urine infection. Her main problem, which is agreed with by the care manager that sees her, is loneliness which is leading to depression. When she is in her own home she won't eat unless somebody stays with her. (Mind she goes through chocolate on the quiet and the scotch). Mmmm the scotch for a teetotal she is going through quite an amazing amount of scotch (at least 4 glasses a day) and this I put down to being lonely and depressed, which is a vicious circle as it only make her cantankerous and more depressed and therefore lonelier.
Mum doesn't have any friends left on the island (I'm not sure that she has any friends left anywhere) there are a couple of people who will go and see her and even take her out but this isn't enough for her.
The care home is a short term solution as it isn't what she really wants.
Bringing her out to Spain is what she wants ..She wants to be with me.
There are English care homes out here and yes they are expensive BUT they are cheaper than the UK and she is paying full wack at the moment and will be doing for the next couple of years. There are homes out here that she can buy and are attached to care, similar to what I was looking at on the Island for her. and the community is English. These aren't that close to me but would make getting to see her easier and cheaper. She could see me once a week instead of once a year.
The other idea is for her to buy me a house with a granny annex attached and we arrange care to come in. The house would have to be on a gated community with an English filled social club. It would have to be close by as OH will have to get to work. Now there is such a community just down the road..It’s not all English there are some Germans there also but it is mainly an expat area. (and I've always liked the look of it, I also already know people on there).

It's not my marriage that would suffer if she came to live in a granny annex more like my sanity ...but as OH says that's suffering anyway with her so far away and the constant phone calls I get. This idea is OH's not mine...as he said once Mum has shuffled off then we have a granny annex for his Mum to spend half the year in!!! :-)) *rolls eyes*

Yes it's going to cost and yes there will be problems if she gets worse, but she's paying now and I will look at an insurance that repatriates if the needs be ..
I do need to go through all the ins and outs as in the finale it really might not be viable and yes I could get everything in place and Mum could turn round and change her mind deciding to stay on the island.
Mother loves the heat and hates the cold she loves foreign travel. Her main problems in Spain would be the language barrier..she being one of those who thinks everybody should be able to speak English..hence finding an expat community.

Is it what I want .well not really as I love the campsite and the community we have here, dad always called me his little gypsy and yes most times I love living in a caravan. I have thought of the option of Mum buying 2 parcelas side by side so it's like a granny annex but I really don't think the campsite community is for her (they can be lovely but they can also be cruel) but that has to be an option. Mind long run prospects 2 parcelas with aging vans or a house with a granny annex ..on the other hand the campsite is only €1000 a year for community charges and that includes leccy so what I would gain not paying rent on site I would lose paying bills on a bricks and mortar community. See I am also thinking of me and OH.
There is also the fact that if Mum bought in Spain the property would go straight into my name.

I really do need to talk to an English speaking solicitor and look at the legal ramifications of it all. I also have an appointment to speak to age concern about what she could get and expect out here.
In the end it may not be viable at all for her to leave the island, but she is going to be uprooted no matter what as she can't stay in her bungalow.
Oh she doesn't have any other family that visits her at all The only one who even thinks to phone her at times is my nephew and he is a tetraplegic so never gets to see her, mind if he tried there would be a major fall out with his Mum.

:-) @ Sharron as tempting as it is to leave the old bat on the island it would also mean that I have to leave all her dosh there aswell for social services to filter away!

Since I started to compose this I have also talked to somebody else who said I need to talk to so and so because they have their Mum out here and get benefits i.e. carers allowance from the UK ..so that’s some-one to talk to who is doing this just not sure if they still have a home in the UK as I don’t know who so and so is

I’m not sure that we will do this yet as I need to talk to Mum 1st, when she is over in April and it also depends on the state of her health once her house is finally sold.

Thank you everybody for advice, hugs and support. You are the greatest and believe me I am never going to do this again once Mother dear shuffles off to the bridge club in the sky
:-D :-D :-D

Have to agree with all Gillian says, you need to think about yourself without guilt, she has led her life, it is now your time

Carol
:-D

Sounds like good advice from Sylvia and Jillian - think long and hard but put yourself first in your thoughts.

Uzzi I am in tears just reading this thread. It has brought back all the pressure and all the emotions of the years of looking after my own nightmare parents. Had they had any kind thoughts towards me during my life, it might have been different but they never did and what they felt about me just got worse and worse and their abusive behaviour got worse and worse and yet I still kept looking after them until I had to walk away.

Please don't take her to Spain with you. It will kill you inside if not actually. It isn't possible to provide the sort of 24 hour care she needs. Once she is there, if she doesn't refuse to get on the plane, you will be stuck.

You owe her nothing. She hasn't been much of a mother has she? You have nothing to prove to yourself or her. And if there is a part of you doint this because you feel you should, or you'll feel guilty if you don't.... Or maybe deep down you are hoping for some sort of recognition from her that you aren't the waste of space she considers you to be and maybe she might come to love you after all..... Well I promise you it just doesn't happen.

I'm proof that you can survive this but it's time to think about yourself and your family over there. The fact is with decent care, she could go on for years; that is what I was advised. What you want to do just isn't possible. I tried it and it nearly killed me.

You know I'm here if you need to talk.

Please think of yourself first lovely lady.

xxJ

Uzzi I do so feel for you. My mom lives with my sister since we moved to Spain and after 10 years my sister finds it very hard. I speak to my mom every day and if she is on her own she moans and moans about my sister. I always say if she moans she is ok - bless her.

I think I agree with everyone else your mom will be better in UK - Spain does not look after the old folk their families have to - sorry, you already know this. If you are like me your problem will be guilt - not being there with your mom.

Anyway, I send you loads of ((HUGS))))))) and if you ever want to chat let me know.

Be brave

Love Mary xx

Uzzi

having been through the similar problem of elderly parent wanting to leave England and come to live with daughter/son in another country .................... my advice to you is,


....................please don't do it!


Her son is my OH .......we live in a big city, with all the conveniences. But she wanted to live with her daughter about 800 km north of us, in a small town of about 5,000, with hardly any conveniences! It is winter about 6 months of the year up there (mid-October to end of April, at best).

Her daughter was a widow, and had 3 children under the age of 12. There was then only one care home in that town.

We had gone through a previous episode of m-i-l wanting to come over about a year before my brother-in-law died. She wouldn't tell her son and daughter how much money she had, but she did give all her documents to daughter's husband H, an accountant.

He went very carefully through everything ...... and determined that

a) she could not afford to come to Canada, she did not have enough money to live as well here as she did in England, even after selling her house.

b) none of us could afford to support her if she did come.

For one thing ..................... none of her medical costs would be covered for the first 3 months, But the worst was that any pre-existing condition would NEVER be covered by the Canadian medical plan.

She had heart trouble .............we would have to pay for all her medications, full cost of any stays in hospital, full cost of ambulance to take her to hospital (at that time, this was free for people with coverage), full cost of doctors' visits, etc etc etc, to the end of her life.

H worked out that each of the two families could be on the hook for as much as $25,000 a year ....... this was in the mid-1980s, when that amount was way more than half our take-home pay per family!

She decided herself that it was not a good idea that time, but then she changed her mind 2 years later, by which time H had died.


Her daughter eventually had the very hard task of telling her mother that she could not come ................... there was no way that my sis-i-l could handle a full-time job, a house, 3 teenagers, and take care of her mother.

And she also had less money than before her husband died.



As it was ................ and you do need to consider this aspect very carefully .................... she nearly destroyed OUR marriage from England. I'm certain that she would have destroyed it if she had been living near us, and especially if she had been living with us.

Every time my OH went to visit her, she told him that he had to divorce me because I was no good for him .............. among other things, I was the villain who had forced OH AND his sister to leave the UK.

She conveniently forgot that OH had got a job overseas before we even thought of getting engaged, and sis-i-l had originally wanted to go to OZ.

Fortunately, we were strong enough to support each other, but I ended up in tears more times than I can count, especially after talking to her on the phone .......... which I HAD to do at Christmas and on her birthday.


Do please think about the effect on your husband.

I said that we could make a granny flat in the basement for her, and I would be happy with that ...................... I could NOT have done that. I would have lasted perhaps 3 months.

I didn't deliberately lie .................. I really thought that I could do it. It is only looking back, and seeing how things unfolded, that I realise how I deceived myself.



Like everyone else on here .......... I do think it would be far better if you found a nice home where she lives, with her friends nearby. Sell her house, so she cannot go back to it, and use the money to fund her care.

She'll be much happier ............. and won't have to try to function in a foriegn country and try to communicate in a foreign language.


and you will have a happier life.


sylvia
xxxxx

Uzzie.
Speaking from experience I think it would be best if your Mum stayed in England. As has already been said, she would find the language impossible at her age, to say nothing of the lifestyle, which is very different.
Also remember there are no UK benefits available to her in Spain which she might be entitled to in England such as attendance allowance & pension credits. Care homes in Spain are very expensive, We have a friend who is in a Social Services care home here (not a private one) & I know he has to pay over €1000 per month.
Having her to live with you & your husband isn´t really a viable option. It would be hard enough if you had a really good relationship. Remember she would be totally dependant on you for everything.
Nothing to stop you going to England regularly to check up on her.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you & if you feel like having a good cry, have one. It won´t solve anything, but you will feel better.

Marion

I agree with Purple and others.
Ten years ago I had a similar problem although we lived in Spain for half the year.
My mother had always used emotional blackmail since 1980 when my dad died and the guilt you feel is hard to take.
However when it got so bad that she couldn't live alone and she had depression I was also thinking along the lines like you and having her live with us,...tried it for a month and realised that ...it wasn't fair on husband.....it would mean taking her away from her friends and environment she knew....it would restrict us all.
My doctor told me that it would NOT be a good thing to have her living with us,so,hard as it was,We found a nice,small family run care home near her own home over 100miles away,where her friends could visit and she was reasonably happy there.
That is my view having been through similar,and I have told my children to put me in a home if I ever get to that stage and live their lives....you only get one crack at it!!

Bless you Uzzi, so much to think about - I hope you can find the best solution for all of you. I think perhaps your Mum is better left in UK in care or sheltered housing so someone to keep an eye on her if she will go along with that, but I know how difficult she has been in the past so don't know if she will comply with whatever you work out for her.

Thinking about you

Lizxx

all i can do is give you hugs and lots of love xx
Rosex

uzzi i am really sorry your feeling low, for all that i get on with my mum, she could never live with me, we have become best friends but i also remember my past.

To be honest you shouldnt have to change your ;ife style, i dont want to over step the mark here but by what you have told us i think she mayby just have somewhere by herself not to close and not to far, i dont remember if you still have my number but give me a ring again and we could jhave a chat xxxxxx

A couple of things to think about, and I'm sure you have Uzzi, if your mum comes to live with you, will she rely wholly on you to speak for her and if she had to go in to a care home or hospital at any time would she understand and be understood? or become very isolated and therefore even more dependant on you.

Looking after someone you get on really well with, is hard enough, to be at the constant beck and call of someone you love but don't nec' get on with, could be devastating to your own health and happiness.

It's going to be very hard whatever you choose, (((hugs)))

Uzzi it is all very difficult for you but somewhere among all the suggestions will be the one that helps you.

Can you be sure that what you are doing, i.e. looking to move her to Spain is what she would want? Isn't she just as likely, once you have it all sorted, to turn round and say she is not going to Spain?