General Chat

I am finding this decision making for Mum so hard, the decision to agree for her to come to Spain isn't /hasn't been the easiest. I am trying so hard to do the best for her aswell as the best for me, OH and my mutts.
I have several ideas but which are viable I don't know, I know what Mum wants and that is live with me and that is a definate NO .I couldn't do it and she would hate my dogs, but a granny annex is a thought.
Can I cope with that ? 24hr on call.
Then ofcourse there is the problem of does she take out residencia, wills and living ..

I just feel at the moment it's all too much and I want to bl**dy cry.

afterwards I will be okay and strong again but I'm scared that if I crack so early I won't be able to help later.

Sorry cry over no replies needed

((((BIG HUGS)))) Uzzi. Sorry I haven't been in touch - will be soon, I promise. <3

Wend xxx

PS Trying to help one or two good friends at the mo.

Wend it's not a problem ..I know you are there if I need (even without Skype :-D) .I'm just finding things a tad difficult ....

Right, I shall put my mind to Skype very soon - not tomorrow, but Wednesday xx

wednesday is good as I am out all day checking on care homes so Thursday T is back at work all day ..

Sending you a massive ((((((hug)))))) Uzzi, just to let you know I am thinking of you.

First of all how old is your mum? Is she in good health? Would she cope with the travel to spain, the different lifestyle, would the medical assistance be there, the other sort of back up you would need that is available over here? If she did come to you in an annexe could you afford for help to go in so you wouldn't have the 24 hr call problem? Do you have any relatives/friends over here who could help out if your mum stayed in her own home or if she went into residential care? Would it be viable for her to go into assisted housing/sheltered accomodation over here with visits from friends/relatives and you come over regularly to see her? Maybe over here she would get the benefits that are not available in spain.

A lot to think about but I have several friends going though something similar albeit in this country.

Good luck :-)

Oh bless you Uzzie. I think you must find your mum a place in England where she will have people she can talk to. To uproot her I think would not work and if you were on 24hr call with her it could affect your marriage and your life. Do your very best for her but here not in Spain. This is only my slant on things but think very carefully before uprooting her. <3 <3 <3. Elaine.

You are so right Elaine, but it's really difficult for Uzzi to know what to do for the best at the moment - I met her mum last week and I could see the problems, say no more . . . . .

Leave the awkward old beesom on the island.

Sharron, you're SO norty.

How old r u Uzzie and how old is your mum. Has she had her life as she wanted to live it. Well time for you to have yours. That does not mean dessert her but keep distance between you and be there if she needs you. Elaine. <3

Uzzi it is all very difficult for you but somewhere among all the suggestions will be the one that helps you.

Can you be sure that what you are doing, i.e. looking to move her to Spain is what she would want? Isn't she just as likely, once you have it all sorted, to turn round and say she is not going to Spain?

A couple of things to think about, and I'm sure you have Uzzi, if your mum comes to live with you, will she rely wholly on you to speak for her and if she had to go in to a care home or hospital at any time would she understand and be understood? or become very isolated and therefore even more dependant on you.

Looking after someone you get on really well with, is hard enough, to be at the constant beck and call of someone you love but don't nec' get on with, could be devastating to your own health and happiness.

It's going to be very hard whatever you choose, (((hugs)))

uzzi i am really sorry your feeling low, for all that i get on with my mum, she could never live with me, we have become best friends but i also remember my past.

To be honest you shouldnt have to change your ;ife style, i dont want to over step the mark here but by what you have told us i think she mayby just have somewhere by herself not to close and not to far, i dont remember if you still have my number but give me a ring again and we could jhave a chat xxxxxx

all i can do is give you hugs and lots of love xx
Rosex

Bless you Uzzi, so much to think about - I hope you can find the best solution for all of you. I think perhaps your Mum is better left in UK in care or sheltered housing so someone to keep an eye on her if she will go along with that, but I know how difficult she has been in the past so don't know if she will comply with whatever you work out for her.

Thinking about you

Lizxx

I agree with Purple and others.
Ten years ago I had a similar problem although we lived in Spain for half the year.
My mother had always used emotional blackmail since 1980 when my dad died and the guilt you feel is hard to take.
However when it got so bad that she couldn't live alone and she had depression I was also thinking along the lines like you and having her live with us,...tried it for a month and realised that ...it wasn't fair on husband.....it would mean taking her away from her friends and environment she knew....it would restrict us all.
My doctor told me that it would NOT be a good thing to have her living with us,so,hard as it was,We found a nice,small family run care home near her own home over 100miles away,where her friends could visit and she was reasonably happy there.
That is my view having been through similar,and I have told my children to put me in a home if I ever get to that stage and live their lives....you only get one crack at it!!

Uzzie.
Speaking from experience I think it would be best if your Mum stayed in England. As has already been said, she would find the language impossible at her age, to say nothing of the lifestyle, which is very different.
Also remember there are no UK benefits available to her in Spain which she might be entitled to in England such as attendance allowance & pension credits. Care homes in Spain are very expensive, We have a friend who is in a Social Services care home here (not a private one) & I know he has to pay over €1000 per month.
Having her to live with you & your husband isn´t really a viable option. It would be hard enough if you had a really good relationship. Remember she would be totally dependant on you for everything.
Nothing to stop you going to England regularly to check up on her.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you & if you feel like having a good cry, have one. It won´t solve anything, but you will feel better.

Marion

Uzzi

having been through the similar problem of elderly parent wanting to leave England and come to live with daughter/son in another country .................... my advice to you is,


....................please don't do it!


Her son is my OH .......we live in a big city, with all the conveniences. But she wanted to live with her daughter about 800 km north of us, in a small town of about 5,000, with hardly any conveniences! It is winter about 6 months of the year up there (mid-October to end of April, at best).

Her daughter was a widow, and had 3 children under the age of 12. There was then only one care home in that town.

We had gone through a previous episode of m-i-l wanting to come over about a year before my brother-in-law died. She wouldn't tell her son and daughter how much money she had, but she did give all her documents to daughter's husband H, an accountant.

He went very carefully through everything ...... and determined that

a) she could not afford to come to Canada, she did not have enough money to live as well here as she did in England, even after selling her house.

b) none of us could afford to support her if she did come.

For one thing ..................... none of her medical costs would be covered for the first 3 months, But the worst was that any pre-existing condition would NEVER be covered by the Canadian medical plan.

She had heart trouble .............we would have to pay for all her medications, full cost of any stays in hospital, full cost of ambulance to take her to hospital (at that time, this was free for people with coverage), full cost of doctors' visits, etc etc etc, to the end of her life.

H worked out that each of the two families could be on the hook for as much as $25,000 a year ....... this was in the mid-1980s, when that amount was way more than half our take-home pay per family!

She decided herself that it was not a good idea that time, but then she changed her mind 2 years later, by which time H had died.


Her daughter eventually had the very hard task of telling her mother that she could not come ................... there was no way that my sis-i-l could handle a full-time job, a house, 3 teenagers, and take care of her mother.

And she also had less money than before her husband died.



As it was ................ and you do need to consider this aspect very carefully .................... she nearly destroyed OUR marriage from England. I'm certain that she would have destroyed it if she had been living near us, and especially if she had been living with us.

Every time my OH went to visit her, she told him that he had to divorce me because I was no good for him .............. among other things, I was the villain who had forced OH AND his sister to leave the UK.

She conveniently forgot that OH had got a job overseas before we even thought of getting engaged, and sis-i-l had originally wanted to go to OZ.

Fortunately, we were strong enough to support each other, but I ended up in tears more times than I can count, especially after talking to her on the phone .......... which I HAD to do at Christmas and on her birthday.


Do please think about the effect on your husband.

I said that we could make a granny flat in the basement for her, and I would be happy with that ...................... I could NOT have done that. I would have lasted perhaps 3 months.

I didn't deliberately lie .................. I really thought that I could do it. It is only looking back, and seeing how things unfolded, that I realise how I deceived myself.



Like everyone else on here .......... I do think it would be far better if you found a nice home where she lives, with her friends nearby. Sell her house, so she cannot go back to it, and use the money to fund her care.

She'll be much happier ............. and won't have to try to function in a foriegn country and try to communicate in a foreign language.


and you will have a happier life.


sylvia
xxxxx