General Chat

I have lived next door to my friend for 30 years she is god mother to my youngest son and my OH gave her daughter away at her wedding last year , 5 years ago I was with her when they diagnosed breast cancer and did all I could after taking her for treament etc , last year I was with her when she was told the cancer had come back and was also in her bones and other places, I did what I could but my sister was very poorly with cancer and she died in December just 17 days after her 50th birthday. I carried on doing what I could for Pauline, I then began to notice that I was the only one who was taking her to the hospital as her 3 children always seemed to have other things to do , then one of her sons had a row with her , the other one kept saying he was too busy and her daughter was pregnant and feeling too ill. A few weeks ago I mentioned to Pauline about getting a gift for the new baby , to which I was told " Yes she want a travel cot and the one she wants is in Mothercare £80" I didnt know what to say I was so surprised as it was obvious that this had been discussed as to what I was expected to buy, when the little one was born I did buy a travel cot but not the £80 one and this week I have been told that I am being given it back with a picture of the one they want so I can get it changed !!!! , I am so angry I cant believe how rude this is, but my anger has caused me to treat Pauline badly, I took her to the cancer hospital last week and she was in a lot of pain so her medication was changed unfortunatly it made her really sick and I had gone away for the weekend, she phoned me at 7.30 on Monday and asked me to go in to her as she was so ill , I contacted the hospital and also took her to see our GP I kept an eye on her and yesterday she was much better , she has to go to the hospital every day from today( Wed) for the next week for treatment and she wants me to take her today I had to my OH to the hospital this morning and this afternoonI had to take my 89 year father , I was asked to leave my father at the hospital where he was having treatment on his eye go and pick her up take her to the hospital she needs to go to and then go back and pick up my father, I said that that it wasnt possible so she got another person to take her but came in tonight and asked me what time I was going out tomorrow and Friday as she needs to be taken to the hospital both days , and I have lied to her and said I have to take my father back tomorrow because of the dye they have put in him and then Im going down the caravan til Sunday( Thats true) , and I feel so bad I have lied to her that I cant sleep , but I feel so used and put on at the same time and I know its my anger with her daughter thats part of why Ive done this and I know I shouldnt have taken it out on her , but I have a 89 year old father who's in a wheelchair and I look after him a 69 year old husband who has just been diagnosed with parkinsons as well as having memory problems folowing strokes, I have COPD and I have a small business working from home so my life is busy anyway

Advise please

Pam ,

so what are you beating yourself up for ?

Take the cot for a refund and give them the money, saying they will have to put the rest of the money and buy their own.{ hard luck, hard times } You've got more important things to deal with.

And yes in order to keep your sanity you have to tell the odd porky, because at the end of the day , who will pick you up if you crumple.?
You are an absolute star, but you can't be all things to all people, and it's wrong of them to expect you to.

Saying no is often the hardest thing to do, but with practice it gets easier !


Next time you take her to the hospital, ask why she isn't getting hospital transport to and fro?

Pam, I am sorry you are feeling so bad about this. I am amazed that your neighbour's daughter has been so rude as to expect an £80 cot in the first place, I wouldn't expect an aunt or uncle let alone a friend, albeit longstanding and close, to shell out that much money for a baby gift. I would think all you have done and are doing for the girl's mother is more than enough as it's saved her chasing about for her Mum.

You must put yourself and your family first, and if you get stressed and ill, then you are no use to anyone. Be there for your friend with an ear and a kind word but do not let her expect you to be her taxidriver. Poor woman has a lot to bear, it's true, but she obviously brought her kids up to be incredibly selfish and she is now reaping the reward.

You fib all you need to so you can be there for your o.h. and your Dad, and enjoy your time at the caravan with a guilt free conscience.

Your friend will have to ask her family for more help or accept the hospital transport help, I am sure they can sort something out between them.

I too would return the cot and then say Well I have spent a lot on petrol lately with all the trips to the hospital so here is £40 or whatever you feel comfortable paying, towards the cot she wants and leave it at that.

Greedy and grasping comes to mind when I imagine the daughter, and once again, I feel shocked that they should expect you to pay so much for a gift. Times are getting hard for everyone and you have surely done more than enough already without spending so much money on a selfish young woman.

Hope your friend will respond to treatment and have some more time to see the new baby lots but you start putting yourself first for a change, you have had enough to cope with already.

Take care, and don't fret yourself over this.

Lizx

Hi Pam,

Maybe it would be easier to put your feelings on paper. If your friend chooses to take offence - that is up to her. If she is completely honest with herself, she will know you couldn't have been there for her any more than you have been, and that her own children are conspicuos by their absence. They should be ashamed of themselves.

I hope she has enough backbone to realise the situation.

As for the cot situation, damn girl has a cheek and a half. I agree with Liz, give her the money you feel comfortable with only. Sounds like a right selfish young woman to me, used to getting whatever she wants maybe?

Take care of your self and your own first
:-) ;-)

Susan

Hello and good morning Pam.

I had to read this thread twice because the first time I could not believe that I had read it correctly. How dare these people be so rude and ignorant to someone who has given so much time and caring to the family.
Much of what I think has already been said so no point in adding it again.
Susan has suggested putting your message in writing and I whole heatedly agree,even if you decide not to send it it will help you to display your anger,feelings of being taken for a ride, etc. Then you can either give a copy to the family or not but I am certain that you will be stronger in your understanding that putting your family first is absolutely the right thing today and that includes looking after yourself.

Maybe you could help your neighbour by being with here and jointly contacting social services, the hospital transport office, her GP who can very easily arrange excellent hospital transport etc, I know there is a lot available to help people in her situation and although retired now if you need further help PM me.

As for the daughter words fail me and others have written very eloquently about her si I will leave it at that. The only thing I would fo is take the cot back to the shop,explain that the item was surplus to need and ask if you can have a refund. I would then bye the cheapest thing I could find and keep the rest for yourself and your husband, and enjoy a special meal together at home with a bottle of wine.

Look after yourself and your husband, before anyone else.

I can see through the post you wrote that you are kind ad caring but you are not silly and know when you are being "ripped off" .

Bridget :-) :-\

08.45 Spain

Hello Pam. I wonder if you still have the receipt for the cot? Have a word with the daughter and tell her VERY CLEARLY about how much you have on your plate. Give her the receipt and tell her you can't possibly get to the store because you are far too busy. She can take the cot back at her own leisure and get what she wants - but not to expect you to do it. Remind her that she has one mother who needs her attention - you have more than one of your own family who need yours and you can only do so much. You will do what you can for their mother, but they need to do their part too.
Keep going and tell her it's way past time she and her siblings got together and did more for their mother and not to expect you to do so much when you have far too much of your own to attend to.
It all sounds very hard - but they are using you, and will continue to use you until you put a stop to it. While you don't stop it, they will think you don't mind doing it.
You might prefer to put it nicely to their mother - telling her of all the running around you have to do for your own family and show her that you are tying yourself in knots. She should then be able to see it and get her family to do more for her.

Poor you,sounds like the family are taking a loan of you.What a cheek to ask for a cot then tell you which one. I'd take it back for a refund...if you can. ,then buy them something else.a lot cheaper . Tell them you realised you have a lot of money going out just now with your own family,and dont give in to them,make it a firm decision.

I'd also have a word with her family and explain that allthough you are more than willing to help where you can,there are days you wont manage to take your friend to the hospital. You have other things going on in your own family.
I think the more some people do, the more they are expected to do.I'm sure the will find the time if they have to.

You have your health to think about and your own family....you all come first.

Marion

Nothing I can add to this Pam except to say that you have done more than enough for the family on top of all the problems you have in your own family. Therefore there is absolutely no need at all to beat your self up over it. Follow some of the excellent advice you have been given here and on no account feel obliged to buy the expensive cot. How dare the daughter presume. And I hope if her mother was fit she would have pointed out the rudeness of the daughter to her herself. Give them the money (if you are able to get a refund) and let them sort it. The rudeness of some people astounds me. It sounds as if you have done too much for these people and they are now taking advantage of you.

Normally I wouldn't advise telling white lies but because of the situation it is the kindest way out of a difficult position you have found yourself. Why isn't this lady entitled to ambulance transport to the hospital.?

The reaction to the present for the child beggars belief. I would give them the receipt and leave them to sort it out, after all your kindness.

I just hope that by sharing your disappointment in others' extreme selfishness and reading the responses that it makes you feel exonerated from any guilt that you might be feeling........jl

I agree with all the responses.The more you do,the more you can be relied on to do them.
I had an instance at Christmas,not as bad as yours,and no rudeness,but it made me learn where my priorities lie.I'd helped my neighbour who had memory problems and a controlling husband and I was the one they relied on to take her to doctors etc ,I sewed and hung curtains for them and other things.
My OH was really ill at Christmas and I couldn't get out.They were going out shopping and never asked if I wanted anything.
Like you,I like to help,but it is rather one sided,so don't feel guilty.You have quite enough on your plate!
Can't believe the cheek about the travel cot!!

I think everything has been said - I agree with al lo these comments. What a cheeky daughter your friend has. When you have your refund, buy a set of bibs for the baby and keep the rest of the money for yourself. She should get the picture then.

Earlier this year I offered to accompany my m-i-l's 80 year old neighbour to some hospital appointments. She is not English and was in pain and a little scared, I think. The hospital was in London - where she lives - and each time it cost me up to £60 in train fares and three hours travelling. I was happy to help her but, with treatment succeeding, I thought of her own 4 daughters and wondered what on earth they were doing all this time.

I actually don't think my friend told her daughters about the appointments because the girls, who are all bright and very polite, haven't said a word.

Take the cot back and buy some petrol with the refund. Don't even mention the cot again. Then, when the daughter has the audacity to ask you about it you can tell her or you can tell your neighbour when she asks.

At least that way the daughter will have paid in a roundabout way for some of your petrol.

I m just left appalled by this,

Pam, read this bit back that you have written

"but I have a 89 year old father who's in a wheelchair and I look after him a 69 year old husband who has just been diagnosed with parkinsons as well as having memory problems folowing strokes, I have COPD and I have a small business working from home so my life is busy anyway"

Now what would you say to one of us on here in that position?

Look after yourself and family first, give your friend your friendship but NOT your services as a taxi driver,nurse, child support etc etc.

Personally I wouldn't tell the white lies, I would say "this is MY situation, I can't do these things for you, physically or financially, but I will help you find the people who can'"
( transport to hosp' can usually be organised either through the hosp', or British red cross, other voluntary groups...or a taxi!)

As to the cot business !!! I would do exactly what Spanish Eyes suggested!

Good luck, xx

i cant really add to what advice has been given,

i know shes your friend but shes asking to much of you, her family need to help more and if shes that bad she should have a career,


start looking after number 1, and if you feel like helping help but dnt feel beat up if you dnt want to help her,

as for the daughter n the £80 cot, tell her to buy it herself, how rude of her!

sending my love

one of my ex foster kids used to try and tell me what to buy her 4 kids
so i just used to buy them what i wanted them to have
she soon got the message
i think you do far to much for your neighbor anyway
time to have some me time me thinks
some people the more you do the more they exspect
would they be running around after you
if the boot was on the other foot i doubt it

I can't add any more that hasn't already been said Pam, other than you are clearly taken for granted by all the family. I think you really need to step back and let them realise just how much you actually do for them all, and they only way they will realise that is for you to stop doing it.

They may fall out with you initially, but they will soon come round again when they have to do it all themselves.

As for the cot...like others have said, give them the amount you are prepared to pay, and let them make the rest up.

Look after yourself and your own, like they should be doing.

Personally I would inform them ( Including your Friend???? ) that its the end of the road for you giving your services,they will have to make alternate arrangements as you have far to much to do for your own family,they are your priority.regarding the Carry Cot,Take it back ,get a refund and keep it, they seem to think you are a one person Social Services Department,time they learnt you are not.End it now. Take Care. **M**

Agree with all Merlin says and everyone else. The carrycot was not accepted graciously so hard cheese - buy your own.

Dear Pam, I can only add my agreement with what has been written so well above. I have been in a similar situation, being used because I kept helping. It caused us to end a friendship, but in retrospect it needn't have ended that way, had I had the gumption to speak my mind!! I was focused on the hurt, instead of being part of the solution, I was exacerbating the problem. It can be very difficult to say 'no' but there are many ways to say it!!
Giving, caring people have the habit of giving to their limits, because it's the right thing to do, or because they feel it's their mission to help. One runs the risk of being taken advantage of, but it is hard to change one's nature. Now please, look after YOU for a change, you have more than enough on your plate. Love your Dad while you have him, he and your hubby must be your priority. You are a saint.
Hugs
Mary <3

I'm another who agrees with all that has been said....
Please do NOT lose any sleep over a few white lies you have had to give to keep peace and sanity.

I did like the advise about the travel cot to give her the receipt and tell her to change it herself AT HER cost mind ...then I also like the idea of getting a refund and sending the odd bib or 3, whatever you decide to do on that score please don't feel pushed into paying the £80 that has been demanded.

Look after your family 1st.
(((hugs)))