General Chat

Perhaps you might like to know how fights start. I have seen some of these before but I will share them with you.

How the fight started!

One year , I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year , I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why , I replied ,
"Well , you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife ,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested , 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said , 'Do you want to have S*x?'
'No , ' she answered. I then said ,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time , simply saying
'Yes..'
So I said , 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter , for some reason , took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak , medium rare , please.'
He said , 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah , she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked , 'What's on TV?'
I said , 'Dust'
And then the fight started..


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said , 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion , and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes , ' she sighed ,
'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago , and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said , 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run , my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But , somehow I always had something else to take care of first , the shed , the Ute , making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day , I found her seated in the tall grass , busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute , and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said ,
'When you finish cutting the grass , you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again , but I will always have a limp.

Well, we have discussed our advancing years and the wisdom of our mothers. I had intended to introduce "cursing in the workplace" however I have decided against it, and now introduce the next topic which is also to do with language, a bit leaning towards the US of A, but it's fun.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

Lol, this was great!

And here's me thinking to myself that I am sure I was never as young as some young people seem to be these days....

Mind you having a neice who asked me what it it was like to live through the world wars (I'm 40 mind you!) made me feel at least 100 years old!

That's beautiful,Aunty Sherlock-wonderful way to start the day!

Brings back memories of my younger sister stubbornly sitting at the meal table for 1 hour,because she refused to eat her vegies.Turns out she is allergic to peas and beans,so she had the last laugh....

Oh gosh... Laughed soooo much at this. Simply brilliant

It's interesting how what you were taught as a child modifies your behaviour toward your own children.

Take STAMINA for example. We had to eat everything which was put in front of us, and were not allowed to leave the table until the plate was empty. I can remember very very long meal times, and on the odd occasion the previous day's food offered again the next day. There are still some foods I just do not eat.

With my own children there was never any arguments at meal times. I made a secret pact with myself as a child that I would never make my own kids eat up. And are you wondering if my chidren eat all types of food and clean their plates. Well two out of three ain't bad. One is very picky and prefers junk food.

auntysherlock that was just the tonic i needed to cheer me up made me cry with laughter .brought back memories when my mother them me as a child. wonderful thank you

Absolutely wonderful. Thanks AS.

AuntySherlock,
Haven"t laughed like this in ages.
Thanks for making my day,
Cath

Love it.

Hi BrummieHelen, Glad I've made you smile loudly. That little gem was sent by a work colleague. It is soooooo true. I have said all those things to my children, just as my mother did to me.

Aunty Sherlock!!!!
You are so naughty, I 've just read your post and I feel like I've almost split my stitches, it was so funny. I am expecting hubby or eldest to come downstairs now and tell me off.
That was so good.

Perhaps now we should reflect on the things our mothers taught us. You know the information which help mould us into the people we are today.

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '

Funny,Auntie Sherlock,it's happening here too....

Must be some kind of conspiracy .....

The jar manufacturers are in it as well---jars are impossible to open,unless you are as strong as the Incredible Hulk,or Superman!

When you have cataract surgery( i was only 42 at the time )everyone looks so much older and wrinkley than I thought once I had the op and could see clearly. I thought I was the oldest Mum down at the Primary school pick up and then after op I wasnt It cheered me up no end.

The moral of this story is if any one has cataract surgery be prepared for everyone looking older after.

Also made OH start deccorating as I didnt realise how bad our paintwork looked before lol

Teresa

opps
The warning came too late
Its already happening here
pmsl

Lol

Definitely worth a gentle nudge!

Thank you
xx

that has to be the funniest thing I have read in ages!

I seem to be living with a greyhaired, forgetful old man as well. I wonder what happened to the young fellow who used to live here??