General Chat

as regards my son

After 13 years of battling to keep contact with my son, i am now conceading defeat and letting him go.
13 years ago my 32 yr old son decided to severe all connections with nearly all our our family, the only one he saw was his dad....on Friday, after yet another row with his wife(she's an alcoholic) he left his home, usually he would go to his dad's for a cooling off period.
This time he didn't, so i, along with his sisters and dad, have spent the last 2 days in total panic. Not knowing where he was or who with was my worst nightmare.
My son is an abuse survivor and has bouts of depression. We were so afraid he might have harmed himself.
His wife has been sending us the most awful texts, saying she hoped he had "done something stupid"
Anyway, this afternoon, i got a call from my son, telling me to keep out of his life, he wants nothing to do with any of us, and never to contact him again.
I assume he is now home with his wife again.
My one concern, is that now he has decided he wants no contact, where will he turn next time he needs to get away.
I've spent most of the day crying, and wondering where i went wrong. Does he blame me for not protecting him from his abuser? or are we a constant reminder of what happened to him?
I love my son dearly, and miss him everyday, but i can't cope anymore with the hurt i feel all the time.
Why do our children hurt us so much

Sorry for babbling on, but needed to get it all out.

Jean

He is abusing you because he KNOWS you will always be his mother.
No advice, just an opinion......you have to do what you have to do.

good luck.
Deanna X

He is an adult and no matter how much it hurts, we have to allow our grown-up children lead their own lives and make their own mistakes.

He is having to deal with things in his own way and you have to respect his wishes.

You love him..................so yes, you are a good Mum, you have done your best and that's all any of us can do.

its brought a tear to my eyes jean

i feel hes hurting still , i know he should know better at his age but it sounds like hes also in an abusive relationship unless its just silly arguements that he cant cope with,
dont blame yourself for what happened, im sure he will also come to you next time he needs help , just let him cool off,
you dont deserve it but you care so you wont sever ties with him, i know, im a mum and i get hurt but i wouldnt either if either of mine needed me id be there in a heartbeat,
you will too , he knows that,
just take time for yhourself at mo, rest and have hug off me, cos you need it,
they always hurt the one they love,

times ive said to mine i wish i could turn back the clock, i know i hurt my mam, but she would still have been there when i needed,
that s waht we do, isnt it jean
xx

maybe some*** expert*** intervention could help,,,



hope things can get better for you,,,,,,,,,

There is only so much any human being can take - even a mother. You will never stop wondering but time has come to look after yourself and the rest of your family. Take care and do not, under any circumstances, feel guilty.

Jean, I feel for you. A few years ago, after his marriage had broken down, my brother disappeared too in circumstances that suggested intent to harm himself. We found out there had been a previous instant where he'd been going to. We were beside ourself. When he eventually was found he admitted voluntarily to the local mental health facility. That was sure one way of sorting him out being grouped in with people who thought they were god. He came out of it much stronger and much more open about his feelings.

Please leave the door open but I would suggest you have to look after yourself first and foremost so stop running round/chasing him. I think it's likely he just doesn't know what to do with what he has in his head, you don't say if he ever got help for the abuse, but things like that can certainly twist you up inside.

Not all children hurt their parents and I would say it's mostly not done deliberately. He possibly thinks that you are all better off without him around. Either that or he thinks he can run away from the memories. I'd say he really needs professional help and possibly you could do with speaking to some one too. Look for support groups for parents of abuse survivors, it will help you deal with it as well as know how to best help him.

((hugs if wanted))
Liz

HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE AND KNOWS YOU WONT TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM. yOU HAVEN'T GONE WRONG AT ALL. hE IS A CONFUSED PERSON BUT IS ALSO AN ADULT AND HAS TO MAKE HIS OWN MISTAKES.

SORRY ABOUT CAPITALS, NOT SHOUTING, ON THE LAPTOP AND THE CAPS LOCK GOT KNOCKED ON.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Ann
Glos

(((((((hugs)))))) for you Jean.

I DO know how you feel. There are no magic words that will help you resolve the situation.

Try not to blame yourself, its just circumstances. All you can do is let him know you are there if ever he should change his mind, and always will be, without recriminations. It's the only thing you can do. One day he will need you.

Take care xxx

Try taking the time you now have by having a break from it Jean.

I am sure he will be in contact again and if he doesn't You will have the knowledge that you have done your best.

Susan
x

Dear Jean, you have given him his wings, now he has to fly, always knowing there's a nest to come back to. Those of us mothers with adult children find it so hard to let go and let them be their own person. I always wanted my children to be independent, but now they are, I wish I could have the children back some days!!
Do not blame yourself, the guilt may never go away completely but you can delegate it to the back of your mind, rather than letting it rule you. You did your absolute best at the time, we've all made bad choices in our lives. I am familiar with the results of abuse in my own children. My heart goes out to you.
gather the positive thoughts which are around you, we'll all hold you up.
Mary

Jean bless you, you haven't done anything wrong at all. You have loved like only a mum can, given like only a mum can, forgiven like only a mum can, and you will always love and be there for him.
For now though, take a step back and look after you.
xx
Take care

Firstly thank you for all the support you have given me.
Today(Monday) my son phoned me to ask if he could come to see me.....of course i said yes. I honestly believed that we were now going to sort things out and start anew...........how stupid and niave am i !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I opened the door and greeted him with a big smile(typical mumsy grin) to be confronted by an angry young man i didn't even recognise as my son( how sad to have to put it into words)
In his hands he had a black bin bag, i asked him in, he refused. He said the contents of the bag signified his shutting the door on us and maybe now i'll listen when he says he wants no contact with us. Then he walked away, leaving me speechless and in total shock.
On opening the bag, i found all the family photos he had taken when he left home, among with letters and other family stuff.
I am so sad, i feel my heart is breaking.
I will never give up on him, no matter how long it takes. My door will always be open to him, when the time is right for him, i'll be here.

Thank you once again for your support and kind words.
Thank you to thos the PMd me too. I have replied to you.

Jean xx

I don't know what to say.

Sending you a HUGE (((HUG))

xxxxxx

Oh Jean, I just don't know what to say except that I really feel for you.

I hope he gets the help that he needs, and that in time, he comes back to you before it's too late.

Is there a family member or friend who could act as an intermediary, once he's calmed down a bit?

Love and hugs,
Mandy xx

Oh Jean..........................so sorry, what a horrible thing to do to you.

I can't think of the right words, but send a huge (((((((((((hug))))))))))))

We are all here for you, anytime.

xx

Thanks Muffy,
Hugs are desperately needed right now.
mandy, there's no-one to act as go between. He won't even talk to aunts/uncles. he didn't even attend his granfathers funeral. Up to him getting involved with his wife he was very close to his 5 sisters, but now it's like we have ceased to exist.
I live in hope that we are together before it's to late.
I am so scared of dying before we make up. I don't want my son living with any guilt.

Jean xx

It's very sad when a loved one gets involved with someone who tries to come between them and their family. I have experience of something similar.

You have done everything you can to support your son and I think there has to come a time when even a mother has to say 'no more'. You have the rest of your loving family and the ball is in his court - he knows that it's him who has shut the door, not you. If he has to live with any guilt, then so be it. I hope that doesn't sound hard, I'm a Mum myself and would be devastated if this happened, but you can't continue to be put through all this hurt.

Love Mandy xx

Oh, i don't know what to say, I really feel for you.
I agree with others that you have done your best and he needs to sort his head out in his own time. I had an ex who had a lot of problems from childhood and it only started to manifest, when he was 35! Men are strange when it comes to their feelings.
All you can do is be there when he needs you, which i'm sure he will, one day.

BIG (((((hugs)))) to you.
xxx

sending you big hugsxxxx