General Chat

Dear Marjorie, I have just come back from a short break and read the replies which will need some thought before I write again. This is owing to oh still trying to get a round tuit and failing badly which means having to get one for myself sorry to hear of your breakdown..... PS can send one scraggy cat as a companion while you recouperate. Perhaps you could teach it to talk while it stays with you. PPS it doesn't seem to like birdseed

lol Newby - i think we have a new Marjory lol

OOOOHHHHHH LOVIES ... Try a new frock an hairdooo, solves all your problems , remember the little woman should be at home at all times to pander to the big clever husbandy person with the larger brain an his vicious smelly Tom cat..... Remember crochetting toilet roll covers is both demanding and rewarding .....

PS Did I tell you that I've had a nervous breakdown brought about my people wanting me to sort their lives out. That is why I quite the agony aunt business - it was agony.

Dear Lil or may I call you Fag Ash?, I advise you to check yourself into the nearest clinic as you seem to have developed a disorder which involves writing copious amounts of letters to a complete stranger with details of your personal dilemas. Not only that but you seem completely unable to make any decisions yourself. Please Please stop writing to me. I have taken an injunction against you and you cannot come within 3 miles of me. Also, please refrain from dumping your cat on my doorstep in the middle of the night. No wonder it cannot bear the sight of you. Regards Marge PS if you've got that much money why don't you hire a proper genealogist to sort out your family tree. Also hire yourself a good lawyer so you can divorce your husband as he is obviously as sick of you as I am? PPS Your cat can talk and we have had some long conversations. She thinks your loopy too.

Dear Marjorie, You may remember me. I am descended from Sir Fagash de Weight and am still awaiting an answer to my last letter. I have been hearing a lot about Brick Walls on Genes Unravelled and wondered if you know where I can purchase one, as the one I talk to is wearing out. I am willing to exchange it for a scruffy cat ( who escaped from it’s box due to dodgy packaging on way to Ebay member who was exchanging for round tuit ). PS I understand a person who also frequents Genes Unravelled has got a round tuit. I wonder if you could be so kind as to pass a message to her to ask if I may borrow it for my oh. PPS. I see you have poets who write for your column too. Do you pay well as I may go into that line of business if the cat would stop wetting ( :)) on any available paper it knocks to the floor. ( another problem I may write to you about at a later date ). A lady in waiting

Dear Marjorie, I have been researching my Family tree for some time now and think I may have found a relative, due to a kind member of Genes Unravelled named Val de Ium. .Her name is Faghag Jackie, but I am not sure if she is a genuine member of my family as her GGrandfather was in the Navycut and I am sure mine were from the Weight family, because when we were younger my Father often used to go to the public house and would say, Weight, there! while he popped in for a ‘few minutes’. ( just to see a ‘business partner’, you understand, ) Should I trust this person named Faghag. She does not even come from the same country as myself which is Detinuer on the isle of Seneg. My oh ( who is still waiting for his round tuit ) is also worried as he feels she may be collecting our leaves in order to get her hands on any fortune we may find, owing to us from descendants of Sir Fag Ash de Weight ( nicknamed Fag, due to his time at Eton ). My oh assures me he is worried for my benefit and suggested I write to you as he would like to go abroad to buy me a present. He also assures me the villa he buys will be put in my name but this may take some time. PS Please excuse the handwriting as my hands are a bit shaky. As you may be able to tell we were not as well educated as Sir Fag Ash de Weight, due to our line being disinherited. What do you advise? Worried, from Detinuer on the isle of Seneg

Dear Aunty Marjorie, I noticed there were very few letters from others with problems and that you also speak with many dialects. This worries me as I now feel so alone and confused. I do like to read your column and hope you can help me in the future with my oh who is still waiting for the round tuit promised to me from an Ebay member. I think the cat said a few words when posted but cannot be certain as I was busy applying savlon to my hands face and arms.

Dear Lil, Just remember to replace your cat flap after she goes. (i presume you've heard of cat burglars lol) Love Marge

Dear Aunty Marjorie, You are quite right. I will take your advice and look for another animal right away as I have gone off cats.

Dear Lil, If you turn to pages 5 you will find a whole page dedicated to owners who want to advertise their cats. However, if you turn to pages 25-59 you will find a section where cats have advertised their slaves that need replacement. I notice that their is one Lil, Fagash advertised on page 32 as needing a new owner so you may be replaced sooner than you think Love Marge

Dear Lil, Perhaps you are trying to talk to your cat in the wrong language or dialect. Cats can be very affronted if you do not talk to them in their native tongue. Take time to discover her roots, perhaps plotting her ancestors on her very own family tree. You will find many cats are descended from different breeds, American Ragtail, British Shorthair, Persian, Siamese to name but a few. You would not appreciate someone talking Chinese to you unless you could understand Chinese. Then again your cat may just hate you and doesn't think your worthy of holding a conversation with her. Love Marge

Dear Aunty Marjorie, I can't talk in any other dialect or language but I think I will go with the Latter anyway and assume she hates me. PS is there room in your column to advertise one scraggy cat with no language skills. Am willing to part exchange with a round tuit as Oh needs one.

lol lesley! tina x

Dear Aunty Marjorie I tried a budgie but the other cats ate it and I couldn't get it to eat the whiskas

perhaps you need to feed it differently. Studies show some foods will make the voice box *work*. Try feeding it tomatoes and courgettes, brocolli, cabbage LOL

Dear Fagash, it's a cat NOT a budgie !!! Aunty Marjorie.

I have been trying to teach my cat to talk for three weeks now to no avail.....what am I doing wrong?




Update...Was Fag Ash Lil