General Chat

OH has arrived home early so it is time for a long cool drink next to the pool. Chat later, Lindy ;)

Kay, That is Vitor stance, he will not help David until he surrenders the credit card, which he refuses to do. They are both very stubborn, the thing is 'David will cut his nose to spite his face' This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I just don't need this agro at the moment... Lindy :(

Sheila, That is so very true! Both my brothers earn good money yet have nothing to show for it. Maybe, it I had not given in to him all the time when he was younger he would be a bit more responsible as a young adult. I believe that it can be genetic...sigh.... Lindy

Lindy if he has not spent up to his limit,then a compromise is needed if your so wants the suport of his parents,,,,First is his responibillity not to cause you both worry or more worry ,and see that you are both acting in his best intrest to at least reduced his debt and save that later on in life should he require any banking help he wont be able to though bad credit ref,,,, it has nothing to do with how much you spoilt him,he just hasnt learned to face to results of his actions,and perhaps he did spend to keep the intrest of his girlfriend, If he wont surrender the card till its sorted then ,,then personally I would flatly refuse to offer help toward it,

Although I think that 'clamping down' on youngsters can have an effect, some seem to have an inbuilt 'need' to spend and overspend. My nephew is like this, always has been, although he was never spoiled or over-indulged and his parents are by no means well-off. He is a lovely lad but, as I said to my sister, if I won the Lottery and was able to settle his debts and give him a clean slate, he'd run up more debts in no time! Unfortunately he married a girl with exactly the same traits (if not worse) - disaster!

Shelli, This was a conversation that OH had with David over the phone this morning, but he refuses to hand over his credit card so there is no deal. What he wants is for Vitor to give him his full allowance for the whole of the new year ( which starts next month) and he will govern himself. I don't know if you read a thread that I put up a few months back when he was going to chuck it all in and go with his girlfriend and her parents to Mozambique. Well that fell through as something or the other went wrong, did not ask, and they are now staying in England... As he was so determined to go OH told him that he would give him the last year of varsity fees to help get him get started in Mozambique. So his argument is that if we were prepared to give him the money when he was going to leave, why won't we give it now.... He is doing our heads in!! I would suggest that you clamp down on your twelve year old now, David was exactly the same at that age, money burns a hole in his pocket. Daniel has always been more careful. Deanna, Isn't it the truth! OH is rapidly running out of patience with him and when he has had enough, David is going to get a shock. Lindy

I just love the banks. They are forever offering me loans of THOUSANDS..... Just like the students, all they see is that they have no overdraft.....YET! I think it should be stopped. Then when they get in a knot over their money, the banks say 'well you should not have borrowed it!' I wish you well, and hope your son sees what they are all about .... before it is too late. Deanna X

so your husband has agreed to bail him out on the condition, he hands over the credit card and a small amount deducted each week??? that sounds very fair to me. Perhaps when your son has calmed down he will see this is the best way forward. Problem is i can this being me in a few yrs, one of my boys spends money likes it going out of fashion. But currently it's only birthday money etc. He's almost 12. But he then complains when his twin has cash left because he's more careful with his money.

Morning Linda, I have to repeat Hoff's reply, The banks do not care as it is all about money... A well know bank has opened in our area and I was contacted and asked if I would be interested in opening an account with them.. I politely refused and the next thing I know they send me a credit card which I cut up.... Both OH and I use the same bank and have done so for the last 25 years, that included all short and long term loans and we have an excellent credit rating. For the last four years direct payments have been made on a weekly basis from my account to David's account, so if the person did a background check they will pick up on that...It is no use to contact the bank again as I have already done that on a previous occasion as did OH. The forms are filled in at your local bank and then sent to the head office in Lisbon. They check your account and issue the credit cards. Morning Kay, I was wondering the same thing, but OH is of the opinion that they knew what they were doing. Not wanting to go into personal details, but the Company he works for is one of the biggest clients of this bank OH is well know by the bank staff as he is constantly in meetings with their management. The girlfriend did promise to help with payments. Morning Sally Moonchild, I know I have a lot of blame, as I spoiled both my boys...It was not easy coming to a foreign country 25 years ago, with a 3 month old baby, not speaking the language and having hostile in-laws so I dedicated my time to bringing up my children the best way I could....I too fell into the trap which some people do. Trying to give you children a better life then you had. Yet my oldest son who has had the same privileges has grown up into a wonderful caring young man who is responsible, well know in the community and a hard worker. I am afraid David has always been the rebel...and being the baby has also been very much more attached to me then his Father. Morning Lynda, I tried explaining to David the pit falls of buying on credit when I cut up the first two credit cards that came for him...It went in one ear and out the other...This time he will have to learn the hard way. Morning Ann, Did not mean to confuse you...:) David is number two son, he will be 23 years old in November and is studying computer engineering, he has a brilliant mind, but has never had a part time job in his life. Also, he is not a people person and was born lazy. Daniel will be 25 in November, a gem, he has been working part time since high school days and is studying marketing in tourism, and has already had a job offer for when he qualifies. Once in awhile on his day off he will take me out for the day, never forgets Mothers day or my Birthday...David I am afraid we only see when he wants something and if his brother does not remind him of Mothers day I would not get the flowers that he picks from the garden. The bank is Portuguese as is my husband and both sons. Morning Dee and Kitty, I know my OH has taken the right attitude but whether David will learn from his mistakes is another matter. Morning Peter, I too wondered about that but on the other hand he has no debt no loans or grants, money is transferred from my account to his account on a weekly basis for food spending money and day to day needs. Fees, rent, doctors bills clothing etc.etc. is paid by my OH. If who ever processes the application forms will have all our data on computer as we all have the same surname and postal address. David has nothing in his name, even the car that he drives is in my husband's name as he pays the insurance.~ More and more people are getting into serious debt to the extent that they are loosing everything. Morning Sheila, I know exactly what you are talking about, but trying to talk sense into David is like talking to a brick wall. Morning Kate, Why is it that the girls always have more sense? You are so very lucky to have such a sensible daughter. Morning Mary, David wants his father to bail him out and Vitor said only if he handed over his credit card and we will deduct a small amount from his allowance every week. He refused to hand over his credit card and OH told him to sort himself out. I thought now that they were both out of school we could relax more but looks like I need a handbook in rearing children until the day I die. Morning Tania, He is a hot head and this really scares me. Thank you everyone for you advice and support, it has really made me feel much better and my BP is back to normal...What would we do without the support of such wonderful people on Genes. The housework awaits and tomorrow is a bank holiday! Lindy ;-))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Lindy I agree with you about the credit company. I must say though it will be a pretty effective life lesson for your son about what credit means,how difficult it is to pay back when it is beyond your means and also why you dont wrack up debts on behalf of someone else. Dont bail him out whatever you do the lesson will serve him well in the future

Oh Lindy being a mom is such hard work. But agree with your hubby - perhaps your son should make contact with bank and agree to pay back a certain sum each month. Just a thought. Take care and try and stay cool !!!! Love Mary xxx

It's not just credit cards either. My daughter has an account for her student loan with a very well known high street bank. The account automatically comes with a free overdraft. I think it is £1000 per year!! Luckily my daughter is very sensible and hasn't used this facility, we give her an allowance on top of her loan and she lives within it, can't fault her. I know my son who will (hopefully) start Uni in another year though won't be the same, money burns a hole in his pocket LOL Kate

Irresponsible lending - a VERY sore topic in our family at the moment. My 23-year old nephew and his (estranged) wife have an almost unbelievable amount of debt between them and virtually no way of paying it back although both are working (nephew is in pub trade so unsocial hours and lousy pay). How they EVER were allowed to borrow so much is beyond me and it is a source of worry for all of us as there have been, and will continue to be, unhappy consequences. Lindy I have to agree with your OH - once your son 'latches on' to easy credit, it can spiral out of control - believe me :-(( Sheila x

€3,500 does sound excessive, and I wonder if he lied about his means. A student in full time university education with loans / grants etc in place would be likely to receive a limit of €750, perhaps €1,000 maximum. I think you are correct to take a hard line - it is better for him to learn the financial facts of life now, rather than when it is too late and he is in the bankruptcy court.

Your son has learnt a valuable lesson and your OH was right to be firm. He will sulk for a while, but as a young adult its better to deal with this now than when he has rent or a mortgage to pay. Don't worry too much, maybe when he has calmed down, the three of you can sit down and work out the best way for him to clear his debt. xx

Morning Lindy, Hard as it is, I agree with your OH. Part of our job as parents is to turn out responsible adults. Your lad must learn to face up to his responsibilities and he won't face up to this one if he gets baled out. It's for his own good. Dee x

Just to say that I sympathise with you Lindy. But I do think your OH has the right idea. You should not be expected to bail him out this time. He does need to learn a lesson. But I can see you don't want to alienate your sons. Why did number two son storm out? Frightened that he too may have to get a part time job? How old are they Lindy? I would imagine that there are bar jobs that they can do if they are old enough. And I agree it is appalling that the bank (a UK one I assume?) gave him a credit card with that much on it in the first place. I would write to them and ask what they think they are doing. Ann Glos

Poor you Lindy :( I am constantly being asked if I want this or that credit card, and always being asked if I'd like a higher limit on the ones I have, thing is I don't really use them, and if I do I usually pay them off when I'm sent the statement. If I added up how much I could have on them I could probably buy a couple of new cars! frightening. Its far too easy to spend on them, but often very hard to pay back. Hope your son sorts himself out soon, hopefully it has taught him a lesson i.e only spend what you can afford.

I agree with your OH on this one Lindy.... It is far too easy to get into debt, and with advertising showing how to live now and pay later, it is not unusual that so many young people fall into the trap and get into debt.... We also want to make life easier for our children, but often in doing so are just giving them the idea that they can always fall back on Mum and Dad when times get hard and the credit bills come in.......OK if it is once in a while......but when it becomes more often then we are not doing our children any favours by constantly bailing them out of these situations.... I know, I was the soft one.......and it is difficult to see them trying to sort themselves out... In the end that is what they have to do and learn from Mr. Micawber from Charles Dickens......annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness.......annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds and sixpence.....result misery....

What a worry for you both or all three, Your husband is seems to have the right answer,to solve it,,but I wonder what information was given to the Bank in order to have that sort of credit limit,? Its so easy to be swayed into credit when you want things beyond your scope,perhaps he was promised by his girlfriend she would help with the repayments,?? Hope you get it sorted,