General Chat

they will be Paul, I have tried to make it easier that they can find each other, and hopefully they will meet again sooner rather than later, until then i will do my best to keep my precious two safe, and the memories of the time we managed to get them with their younger sisters alive and remembered, we do have two way letter box contact so there will always be a live link there for all the girls, the younger two have been adopted by the same family, it was what we asked of social services and they agreed, so at least they have eachother just as our two do.kerixx

Keri, You're right - every different case has a different sad story behind it, but one thing is always sadly constant - that the child loses out in some way. I don't know how anyone could deprive a child of contact with their family. I'd like to say how wonderful it is that you've managed to keep two of the children together.. and I hope that when they're old enough, they're reunited with those that were adopted. Paul

Hello Sue PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! remember one thing always, he has your genes too, and a loving safe relationship with you,he will learn so much from being with you, my Grandma always used to tell me 'that good always conquers bad', she was a wise old soul and i miss her, my other gran led an awful life, my mam was in care her younger siblings adopted, i have traced mams sister and reunited them after 58yrs apart, i am still searching for their brother,my own two g/children that live with me call me mammy and my husband daddy - we tried very hard for this not too happen, but we have our own son who is 11 and they just follow his lead, it sits comfortably now, and in sept when the new law is passed we will be back in court for a 'special guardianship' order, which gives the finalism of an adoption order, my daughters partners parents have not seen the girls since they were 6mths old dispite the fact that they live fairly close, their son continues to live with my daughter and hasnt seen these lovely girls since oct 2002 when they were 8mths old, his parents send a card on xmas and b/day, but dispite me sending photos and trying to encourage contact they deny the girls another set of g/parents, each story has its own tale, each one its own heartache, the one common thing is loss - usually to two very innocent parties, the child and its g/parents, Keri

I could never imagine putting my mum through all that pain. My Mum and I are so close, she came to hospital with us when Kian was born and she has been so great. She has Kian by herself(she`s only 36) one weekend a month and we see her every weekend anyway! We live 30mins away but she says that`s still too far. She goes on about how much he changes in a week, so can not imagine what it would be like if you didn`t see your grandchild for months,even years! xxxx

Another slant on this subject................ When my daughter was expecting my grandson, she split up from the father. His mother, my grandson's other grandmother, threatened to kill my daughter for 'tricking' her son or at the very least, cause her to miscarry. Nice lady! We have answerphone messages to prove it. After my grandson was born, the CSA were involved and DNA tests were used to prove parentage. The 'other grandmother' then was sweetness and light. My daughter took the baby to visit her weekly - this lasted about 6 months until the father moved away to work and his mother didn't want to know any more. Over the past 6 years, she has alternated between 'let me see my grandson' to 'you're a bad mother, leaving him with all and sundry while you go gallivanting' and 'I'll report you to social services'. The only person my daughter left grandson with was me. I was a registered childminder who looked after him while daughter was at work and occasionally when she went out in the evenings. Last autumn, the father returned from working abroad and his mother decided she would like to see her grandson again (first time for over 4 years). My daughter, after much soul searching, decided it wasn't fair to deprive her son of his other grandparents, and agreed to a visit. The grandmother was all sweetness, no mention of previous threats, gave grandson presents etc. There were weekly visits until November. But guess what - no contact at Christmas, but cards and cheap presents for his birthday in February, and no contact since. Now grandson is very upset - he had a 'new family' for a while and can't understand what he's done or why they don't see him any more. He very occasionally sees his father, and in the Easter holidays he took grandson to see his mother. Grandson threw a wobbler, wanted to go home and kicked his grandmother when she tried to cuddle him. She is a stranger to him. I don't think my daughter should have anything more to do with the family, but she says grandson is entitled to know both sets of grandparents. If it was my decision (bearing in mind that this woman has threatened me and my family on more than one occasion) I would never let her near grandson again. But he is only my grandson, not my son and I have no say in the matter. There is so much more I could tell you, but I daren't, it just worries me that grandson has this woman's genes in him, bearing in mind her behaviour. Sue xx

I split up with my ex almost 3 years ago, I've always let the kids see both sets of g/parents with no problems whatsoever. In fact I'm still pretty good friends with my ex's parents. The way I see it is that g/parents and g/children should never be denied access to each other due to whatever has happened between the parents, but unfortunately it happens in some cases Sarah, xxx

As someone who's been going crazy trying to find their entire paternal family these past 6 or so months, I'd just like to say, it's not fair on the kids! They have a RIGHT to know where they came from!

Keri, I'll email you. Glenys x

Have to got say there is as always two sides to every coin :-( My mum can't even recall her own grandchildrens names, let alone think about calling them etc. She doesn't even call me. Long story but for sanity reason I have given up trying. BUT my kids are lucky, i have a daughter from a first marriage and three boys from the second. And while I don't get on with my ex very well, I have never denied his mum access to her grandchild. As wendy said why should she miss out just because I have a problem with her son???She has accpeted my boys as her grandkids too, if you ask her how many grandkids she has, she tell you in a heart beat 7 (three from another source plus my four). And my current mother in law accepts my daughter as her grand child too . So although they don't see my mum, and in fact it's been so long since she saw them they don't even regonise her in photos... they have a loving relationship with their other Nans. I think that relationship is worth it's weight in gold.

Hi Wendy, you are right of course there are unsuitable g/parents, but thank god for the good ones.A pat on the back for you too, but sadly not all folk are like you and i, some just do not see that if they dont encourage or even make possible the special relationship between a child and its g/parents it robs both parties of something so wonderful that benifits them all. Keri

My George's father left me when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I always took George to see his paternal grandmother up until her death. She was not responsible for her son's behaviour and both she and my son benefitted from their relationship together. There will always be some unsuitable grandparents but I think it is a crying shame when both grandparents and grandchildren have their time together stolen by bitter parents.

Debby I feel your pain too, life can be so hard cant it, when I first saw that things were going wrong for my daughter I felt so totally useless I failed to reach her and had to watch as she continued to turn the self distruct knob, when the twins were born they were over 10wks prem and had to fight against the odds, I promised them then I would be there for them no matter what, they made it but my daughter did not she continues to self distruct. I had to do something, on a plus side social services were brilliant they fully supported our application for the twins, we had to apply for leave to ask a judge to hear our plea even before getting to court, it can be refused and then there is no chance, grandparents do not have the automatic right to go to court and ask for their grandchildren. In the early days before she could read I used to send my grandaughter a postcard with a smiley face on it she knew it was from me as we often drew smiley faces. Your son has his own pain, I know when my brother split with his wife a long time ago my parents were denied contact with his daughter, I can remember them being devastated, but my brother never did. Keep on smiling

Thanks Jess - I've printed that info Keri - Yes I've thought about postcards now she's learning to read. The mother is fine about it (or appears to be) - it's her partner that I have problems with. Things are improving - I don't want to talk about it on here. And I'm afraid to say, my son doesn't help either. You should be very proud of yourself - the grandchildren need their grandparents in their lives. Debby

Jess - I am invovled with the Grandparents assc, I stumbled accross them 4yrs ago they are a brilliant source of advice and support, JIM - how my heart aches with you its the most destructive of feelings that nobody else can feel unless they have been there, Debby - try to keep in contact with your Grandaughter, have you tried sending her a postcard every now and then, I do this with my son's children even though I see them often, I am lucky that their mother (estranged from my son) values me as a grandma to her two children, but as for my daughter (mother of the two with me) she lives in a drug and drink world.Keri

Just haunted out a magazine which my Mum gives me called 'YOURS' I happened to read an article on this very topic last night and at the end there are these address, that may help any of you Grandparents Association Moot House The Stow harlow Essex CM20 3AG Advice line 01279 444964 (mon - Fri10.30am-3pm) www*grandparents-association*org*uk e-mail info@grandparents association*org*uk replace * with d o t

Oh Jim that's really sad - I would be devastated. I can't believe what I'm hearing that they have to pay to see their grandchildren. Debby

I have 3 grandchildren I have yet to meet. One of my daughters cut me out of her life completely after her mum and I divorced. I have respected her decision but it really breaks me up.

keri i really admire you hun when my brother and his wife split up she decided she didnt want any contact with our family my mum and dad were devastated to say the least they decided that although they had 6 other grandchildren they couldnt live without seeing my brothers 3 children so the only option that they had were to go to court to get access my mum and dad are in their 70's and only live on a pension. but they wouldnt give up!! they eventually got court permission to have them for one day a month at a cost of £390!!! i think it is awful that they had to pay that amount to see their own flesh and blood susie

Well I for one admire you Keri My grandaughter lives in Oxon, I live in Bradford. When I ring her I'm lucky if I get to speak to her - there is sometimes an excuse. BUT I've got her for a week in the summer hols and I can't wait to see her - I miss her each and every day. I thought grandparents did have rights - luckily things are getting better but I was ready to look into what rights I did have. If there was ever a need for me to take her into my care, I would hope I would have that opportunity? Debby

I wander how many others out there just like me took for granted that being a Grandparent gave you some rights where your grandchildren were concerned, WRONG, when it all falls apart through seperation, divorce, illness bereavement or the involvement of social services, grandparents do not have the automatic right to their grandchildren, and getting it can be impossible, and at the least heartbreaking for all concerned. I have two out of four of my grandchildren on a residence order - a painfull process that leaves you with a rollercoaster of emotions, the other two of my grandchildren have been adopted, they are the younger two siblings of the two with me. I have been to hell and back many times over the past 4yrs and am now feeling the deep pain of sorrow that takes over you as you say goodbye to a grandchild that is being adopted. Some things you can change, some things you can fight for, others leave you feeling totally wrecked, but each night as I tuck my precious girls into bed and they tell me they love me, and each time they run too me with their arms flung wide and hug me I know that my journey has been and remains worthwhile. ..........................I'm still exhausted though.................KERI