General Chat

Hi Julie Anne, Sorry to hear about your problems. My best wishes to you and I hope that things work out for the pair of you. The Reiver

hi julie i realy feel for you and your husband and i wish you all the luck in the world.i oftern feel my family wouldnt miss me but i know my kids and hubby would and thats all that matters to me like one friend said to me you can choose your friends but not your family and i have many friends who i wouldnt change for the world god bless you both angie xxx

Forgive me for repeating myself again - I've said this so many times before on other threads - but MIL seems to have forgotten that what goes around, comes around. Always. x

i know it probably obvious but i didnt include that the sister he found was hidden because his mother gave her up for adoption at 6 weeks old, thats how the other kids didnt know either, as for the evil MIL when shes threatened me with solicitors cos of my letter, she forgot that she slandered hubby to my daughter and his neice, accusing him of affairs behind my back, with women in stoke , when i was pregnant, 18 years ago, when in fact he was on army exercise, she then backed her daughters up in accusing him of stealing money from them, when he had visited them , she phoned my parents threatening to send police round, (mum told her to carry on as she would trust him in her house and his mates), needless to say the police didnt arrive,

Thank you for telling us that Julie, and I'm so glad you didn't think I was patronising (though I know I was nosey, lol). It always amazes me - absolutely astounds me - when parents blame their children for doing something that is so obviously the parents doing. It angers me tremendously. That woman needs counselling for a start. How in Heavens name can she treat her children like that? I'm talking in the present. Every now and then our 15-y-o adopted daughter mentions her birth father, whom she's never met, and we know one day she'll probably want to meet him. He only saw her when she was 2 weeks old, and that was all; we don't know why (it may have been birth mother preventing him, but again, he may have done a runner). We don't know what sort of reception this will get from him. Your hubby has done nothing wrong - it's great that he found his sister. I only hope they stay in contact. Hope the sickness has subsided now. x Just read that bit about the letter you wrote to MIL. OK, call her bluff - she has clearly said a lot of slanderous things about yourself and hubby. Someone needs to remind her of this. What a bitter woman she sounds, and certainly very unhappy. Pity her.

18 years ago she accused him of having affair with a girl in stoke, and last year she repeated that claim to our daughter, i was so mad that she could be so vicious i wrote her a letter, and ended it by telling her my mother treated him more like a mother would treat a son, hubby read and agreed with the letter , she threatened me that the letter was in the hands of a solicitor, !!!!!!!!!! she really cant be nice,

Hi Julie, That is some guy you have there, one who can actually breakdown and open up, as not many blokes will allow themselves to do that. ALL the best to you both.

I really do feel for you and your Husband. I am lucky to have a wonderful and very supportive family who I can always turn to, but my Husband's family aren't particularly nice and his Mother hasn't spoken to him since February. I can appreciate how difficult it must be for you - his Mother sounds like she's lost the plot, but she is still his Mother so you try your best to help. He must feel very rejected (I think my Husband does sometimes), but I imagine that you feel he's got his own family to think of now? I do hope you get through this - both of you. Kaye x

glenys, your not patronising at all , or nosey, he was in a kids home from what he thought was 4yrs old but it turns out he was 2, him and his 4 brothers and sisters, he was only placed with one sister as kids homes in stoke were a row of houses, and the other 3 kids were put in a different one, they went back to his mother when he was 8 year old then back in home at 10 yrs for a week while she had op for sumut, anyway, 2 years ago he clicked on website that said about lost relatives, dont know why he did it but he typed in his name, and this girls details popped up , looking for her birth mother, all info fitted his mother, and father, but dates made her 2 years younger than him, when he got in touch with her he found out his mother had her when he was placed in the kids home, and never again breathed a word of her, to anyone except her husband she married in about 1980ish, when he got in touch with his mother to confirm it, she went nuts and said he was trying to cause trouble, when he tried to arrange for his mother and new sister to meet , his mother cancelled at last minute, tonite when she put phone down on side he heard her saying to some one , 'ill never forgive him for not letting me meet that girl,' its so mad its like ive made it up, but i tell you its certainly for real

Oh flaming hell, it IS his mother that's behind it all then. He stumbled on his sister? Literally fell, or found out about her? Sorry Julie, I'm being very nosey I know. Your poor hubby - and you - I really feel for you both (oh God, that sounds patronising, but isn't meant as that). You're both going through hell at the moment, aren't you. Could you pluck up the courage again Julie, and ring his niece? Easy for me to say I know. Sounds as if he's well rid of that birth mother, though God knows his mind must be in turmoil. All the best to you both, and the kids. xx P.S. His mother's remarks reek of guilt to me.

thanks all for your kind words and offer of shoulders to cry on, your all so kind, since thursday its been a nightmare, i took the afternoon off work friday, my colleagues are all aware , hubby did get more emotional, and keeps crying off and on, he told me he thinks if he had photos of wen he was small it may trigger memories as he feels hes lost who he is, he asked me to phone his mother and ask her for any photos, his mother has already said she disowned him for stumbling on his baby sister , who she failed to mention for 39 years, anyway i swollowed my pride and phoned her, told her his state of health and just asked if she could send any id reprint and return originals, i text his neice too and asked if his other sister had any, tonight the s**t hit the fan big time, his mother rang my mobile and yelled at me that 'i am up to my old tricks again and she didnt care if hed had nervous breakdown and now she will not be looking for any photos and if i continue to harrass her kids she will contact police' and hung up, absolutely barking the women is, he rang her back and she refused to speak, leaving her phone off the hook hubby asked me to phone his neice and explain there was no trouble intended in my earlier request, when i refused he went nuts with me, i did get mad and told him im here to help him , not have slanging match or be yelled at by his mother im so angry, with him as he knows so well what they are like

Julie It sounds as though he has a lot of unresolved feelings about his mother. And be warned, people who live with relatives who are depressed are in danger of being depressed themselves. It's tough, especially when we are encouraged to think our self-esteem is measured by how much other people value us. Remember we are always here. nell

Hi Julie Ann, So sorry your husband is feeling so bad. I really feel for you both. At least he has taken the huge step of visiting his GP. This will take the load off both your shoulders a little. My mam suffered depression from being bullied at work and she found running and walking a very good way of getting a bit of respite. I hope you find some way of dealing with his problems, All my love, Natalia x

Hi Julie Anne, I was diagnosed and treated for depression when my Mam was dying. The hardest part was going into my GP and admitting I couldn't cope any longer. She was fantastic and prescribed (brilliant!) anti-depressants and counselling. The first counsellor was useless - patronising, and blamed all my problems on my missing out on a school trip when I was 8! I decided she was the one who needed counselling! Anyway, my GP sent me to someone else who was just brilliant - her advice helped, not just me, but my whole family. I still use what she taught me every day - just ways to think differently, how to deal with negative thoughts (of which there are many when you are depressed), and how to put my needs first instead of last. The first step is admitting you can't cope anymore - you can only go up from there. I am sure that your support and love will get your hubby through this. I actually now look on my depression as a positive thing that happened to me - hell at the time, but a huge learning experience which changed me for the good. Email me if you want to chat. I'm not often on the board now but I'm happy to chat anytime you need to. Sal.x

Hi Julie, hope you're all feeling a bit more positive this morning; if not, these things take time. Reading your last post, it really sounds as if he's been bottling up, all these years, feelings of (perfectly understandable) anger and rejection regarding his mother. Poor bloke, I can only imagine how that must feel. As I said last night, thank God he's got you and the children. If he didn't have you all, could you imagine how utterly wretched his life would be? Perhaps he needs to rationalise the situation which, given counselling, he would do (hark at me, trying to sound like a know-all! lol). Chin up, Julie. You're his rock at the moment, which he probably doesn't realise yet. Hopefully, you yourself have a rock. x

elizabeth, the family hes on about who wouldnt miss him are his mum and sisters, who havent bothered for at least 20 years, and when hes been in touch with them or our daughters contacted them , theyve been rude and malicious, the ones whod miss him he talks of are me and the kids, sometime that makes me feel angry as he should be happy he has two lovely kids and they are his family whove known him longer than his own mother, even my dads known him longer than his own mother, he then says his mother and sister dont really bother him , but it does, and that makes me mad, i feel like im just here for the bloody ..................... sorry its him thats depressed and needs help, his mother just makes me mad, frances, im in wales, newport, i didnt know you can go to gyms as therapy, this may appeal to him, thanks for offering to let me know the details of areas where you can do this my kids dont have to do anything for me to be there for them, and im here for him too

Julie I have every sympathy with you. You must have something good going if you have remained together for 19 years but could you clarify for me please. In your opening message you say your husband thinks his family wouldn't miss him, only ones who would miss him are here. Is 'family' you and the kids or parents/siblings? What does he mean by those who would miss him are 'here'? Beth :)

Julie Anne - you have already started saying whats best, your telling us and thats the first step - your hubby broke down and talked to you and thats his first step. It might be a while, give him time,loads of tlc and loads of hugs for both of you:o))) Take care:o) jude sarf wales x

Hi Julie Anne, hopefully GP will sort out some counselling for that last bit you mentioned to me. x

yeh frances, theres a relate service at doctors, it helps anyone not just marriage problems, its just getting appointment, and getting him to accept it, it was like pulling teeth getting him to GP