General Chat

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the followingreason(s) youwere disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply - Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. - Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. - The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! - You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. - Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! - Your legs are skinnier than mine. - You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at Break time. - I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. - The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often in conversation. - You still live with your parents. - Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting. - Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. - Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. - Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. - I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time. Sincerely,

Sorry to hear that Lisa :-)

Daniel - PMSL

My Dear ? ( sorry…… forgotten your name ),

Thank you for getting someone to write, and send to me, your rejection of my application to assist you over the many obstacles that a girl like you will undoubtedly face throughout the rest of your life.

I note with some satisfaction, but with no surprise, your observation that I was one of the well qualified candidates. I thank you for your further observations, but perhaps my response will also assist you in your future aspirations.

My name is not Mr Objectionable. You really should go to Specsavers before you view any more written documents. Our dining “experiences” were indeed a first for me also. The lightness of my wallet is due to your insistence on ordering seconds of every course on the menu, and me trying to dissuade you by refusing to pay for it. Yes my pants are a little tighter, but they are still several sizes smaller than yours. Your 20 questions seemed more like 200. Perhaps in future you should allow your companion to answer before moving on to the next question. It follows that my over-zealous use of e mails was the only way I could get a word in edgeways.

I agree that my legs are skinnier than yours. That is because yours are so much fatter than mine. At six feet tall I do not consider myself short. I fear that your six inch stilettos and beehive hairstyle may have unduly influenced your perception of me. I may not be a mechanic but even I was quickly able to determine that a car that’s engine had fallen out is not fixable.

I apologise for referring to my mother so often. It is just that your appearance reminded me so much of the photographs taken of her when she was your age. I had no idea that you had been inspecting my wardrobe, but for your information, my Alien uniforms are mementos of my roles in a number of blockbuster movies, as indeed are the green tights. I am pleased that you noticed my references to my ex girlfriend, however you were very slow to take the hint. I am afraid that my excess of wind was due to your preference for lager, rather than wine, at the dinner table.

Finally, I do very much agree that I should set my sights lower next time and I must make sure that I do not waste my time with someone whose head is very much in the clouds.

Hope we can still be friends,

Sincerely

Darling You really should pay more attention obviously i was trying to let you down gently. Seems that your skin is as thick as your head... If i'm brutally honest i find it impossible to date a man who takes longer than myself to get really to go out of an evening and i have a huge problem sharing my ladyshave. Your personal hygiene habits of recycling toothbrushes leaves me sick to the stomach and quiet frankly your mother is as boring as yourself. The alien uniforms in your wardrobe obviousle belong to some ex girlfriends as that is where i found my missing underwear as well, you really should see somebody about your addictions... Still be friends not bloody likely can't you take a hint Regards

Are you two married?. PMSL!!. Micheal.

Take no notice Micheal. I think I have pulled ( they always react like this ). Watch this space for my reply! I'll show you how to close in for the kill.

Dear Blight Eyes Thank you so much for your almost intelligible reply. I am greatly saddened that it seems _you_ are the one who appears to be bitter for having rejected _me_. Maybe you are regretting your decision. I have always admired a woman who is brutally honest with her acquaintances. Perhaps some day you will be just as honest with the bathroom mirror. I can quite understand why it is that you take so little time to get ready in the evening. For no doubt most of the heavy work had to be done first thing in the morning. I don’t think sharing your ladyshave would be a problem. Whilst it would be perfectly adequate for controlling my excess body hair, I think that the hair on your arms and legs would benefit from the attentions of a Mini Flymo. You should not knock extending the use of toothbrushes, for they do an excellent job at removing embedded rust from clapped out cars, and will no doubt do the same for embedded make-up from clapped out faces. I am afraid that you have misunderstood my mother. For she was only being polite by allowing you to finish what you were saying without interruption. Perhaps in future you should restrict the story of your “feminine” problems to five minutes rather than two hours. I am afraid that the female underwear you found in my wardrobe was not yours. Whilst they may be strikingly similar to your items they were, also, mementos from a movie set…………….. Bridget Jones' Diary. In your first post you said you would retain my name on file. I note with contentment that your second post does not say that is no longer the case. Perhaps I am now top of the list? Looking forward to meeting you again and giving you one more try, Always your servant, etc,etc. PS Could I ask you a very big favour, Would you let me have the phone number and an introduction for that friend of yours whom you waved to as we left the restaurant?

PMSL!!!

Sweetie Obviously i am unable to penetrate your thick skin and by your contant replying to my memos i realise i will just have to tell it how it is (i know about your problems with not penetrating but don't want to get personal). I only gave you the time of day to please your friends as they are sick of your constant whining about your lack of success with the opposita sex. As also your constant tales of movie stardom and celebrity status. They were hoping you could 'get a life' as do the rest of us. Please give your mother my apologies if i have offended her, it really was unintentional but i had enough of her constant moaning and generally bad manners obviously like mother like son. Just to show no hard feelings i will keep your name on my christmas card list as charity does begin at home and looking at yours you take these words to heart. I am only too happy to introduce you to my friend we bumped into leaving the 'cafe' you should have asked at the time and maybe we could have gone to watch HIM in HIS drag act at the theatre. As for one more try i must commend you on your moto 'if at first you don't succeed' but i must decline your kind offer. cheers

Darling have i hit a nerve....

GET A ROOM YOU TWO !

Mr Wright Please summit your CV at your earliest convenience Many thanks

My Dearest (as in expensive) Blight Eyes, I am most gratified that you feel the need to write to me so often. Perhaps, like so many before you, you find my charm irresistible. I fear that you are confusing me with another. For my success with the opposite sex is legendary, and my friends never tire of listening to my advice. I somehow feel that you are casting doubt upon my standing as a performer (and maybe in more ways than one). It is a pity that the initial application form that you sent to me did not request details of formal qualifications, I could have shown you copies of my diplomas from RADA. And before you ask …………………… I am only working in McDonald’s to kill time in between shoots. My mother was certainly not offended by you. In fact she had so much sympathy for you that she was moved to take up voluntary work at the Battersea _Dogs_ Home. I am greatly relieved that you harbour no hard feelings towards me. For it makes it easier for me to tell you that I do not, and never possibly could have, any hard feelings for you! It is however a sad indictment on your womanhood that a red-blooded young man like myself finds a man in drag more attractive than you. I do realize that by declining my offer to give you another chance you are playing hard to get. Maybe the “thrill of the chase” excites you more than I have come across before. However my diary is now getting extremely full so I shall have to put you off for a while. I shall eagerly await receipt of your Christmas card and look forward to reading those tender words that I just know will adorn it from cover to cover. Yours lovingly,

I fear that My Lady’s honour has now for too long been outrageously challenged by this knave of ill repute. I urge M’Lady to cast aside this scoundrel and seek comfort with a virtuous gentleman who can offer her the respect and adoration of which she is so deserving. You need not look too far Mistress Bright Eyes…………………. for there be many such fine young men about this place for you to choose from. But choose well My Lady, for the name that you may see before you may sometimes hide the true face. L

..Oh, the humour is quite perfect.....

i am lmao! this is great! xxx

Dearest Firstly I am unable to confuse with another as it is so obvious that there could never be another..... My reference to your friends was kind as really we all know that you only have acquaintances. Your insistence of your acting abilities are second only to mine....... Surely you know that WE all know you can get a degree off the internet these days so i really would question your diplomas (from any establishment). I hope you mother enjoys her work with the dogs i fear she will have no problem communicating with them, please send her my love and congratulations on her new role. I am also relieved to hear you have no hard feelings towards myself but then you have no hard feelings towards anybody and i'm sure a discreet chat with your GP should sort it out, Best of luck. I feel no need to question my womanhood but surely your statement about being a red-blooded male leaves many questions unanswered, especially where men in drag are concerned. Indeed the thrill of the chase does excite me but the running away from you in purely exercise (now darling you know we all need to exercise) and as for a full diary it is so nice of you to take your elderly relatives out for dinner so often. Oh and i'm so pleased to hear of your employment at McDonalds it must be so rewarding and indeed exciting to at last reach your life long ambition of working within your favourite establishment. i do hope that my rejection doesn't leave a scar after all you have enough of them from the self harming. I do so look forward to hearing from you soon Chiao

Please insert V V V V V easily offended in your title! who on eath could be offended by two such clever people , nothing offensive at all here hillarious keep it up jess x

pmsl this is so funny!! Julia ps keep it up lol