General Chat

So you just went on in there - despite everything everyone had said including the things you said yourself! Oh well, Jess

What lovely news, Gem - hope it all goes well for you. Please though, do tread carefully love. Did I read somewhere that there is a pre-meeting counselling facility for these circumstances? Don't know how one goes about getting it though! Good luck! x

Fantastic news Gemma what a wonderful Christmas gift xxhugxx

I used to work with a young girl who had grown up never knowing her father. She came from a - I have to say it - VERY disfunctional background, four sibs, all with different fathers, two of them unknown.She was well on the way to ruin when I knew her and very very unhappy. Then the CSA got involved with her family and she finally found out the name of her father and in a great rush she phoned him, even though I told her to think it through first. He was thrilled to hear from her and made arrangements for her to spend some time with him, his wife and three children. She was on cloud nine. A week before the planned trip, he wrote to say that they would have to put off the meeting as his wife and new family were not ready to accept her. I never want to see that look on anyone's face again as long as I live.She has not heard from him since. Do what the others on this thread have so sensibly suggested - write a cautiously-worded letter after Xmas, and be prepared for the worst. That way, any contact from him will be a bonus. You DO have a right to know where you came from but you do NOT have a right to up-end other people's lives. You have waited this long and a few more weeks won't hurt. I hope this works out well for you, you sound very vulnerable at the moment. Olde Crone

Just an update to let u all know. I went to my grandads house today and i am now in touch with my dad. He is so happy i found him. Thanks everyone for your help. x

Gemma It seems to me that you can see your future happiness possibly drifting away regarding your partner, so you are reaching out in desperation for comfort, hence the rush to find your father. If you know the address, then compose a sensitive worded letter to him, then post it after Christmas. When the stress of Christmas for everyone is out of the way. If your father receives a phone call out of the blue, this may make him panic, he may say things you may not want to hear, leading to a miserable Xmas for you all. Every Xmas after that will leave you with a tinge of regret. Alternatively he may be glad, but if he has a new family who maybe don't know of you, it will ruin Xmas with him worrying how to tell them or he may welcome you whilst in shock,and give you false hope, then panic once the phone is put down. A letter will let him digest the news hes received, if you don't hear anything in say a fortnight, then send another letter, still nothing then try to phone him I would sit down and digest the advice given to you, Jess knows better than most of us on here. None of us want to see you in a few days pouring your heart out because the phone call went bottom up. Elaine x

I DO UNDERSTAND WHERE U ARE COMING FROM AS YOU SAID U HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT YOUR SELF. i AM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO BE SO OFFENSIVE. i JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. THANKS FOR YOUR ADVISE GEM p.s sorry about caps lol

No-one saying you are wrong - you are right to want to do it and have every right to do so. All people are saying is go about it in the right way. Find his telephone number, go ahead , ring him. do what you will. I wont say any more on the subject - there is no point , you will do what you think is best anyway. Jess

i must say i have considerd everyone elses needs for 6 years. This isnt just something i am russhing into. I have thought long and hard since i was 10 yesrd old. I feel that now is the time i am ready. Like i said i am not going to barge in and say right this is it i am your daughter tellyour family now or i will. I am not like that. But i Have considerd them for years and it isnt working. I need to know myself. If he rejects me he rejects me. At least i would have tried. then i will know in my heart that i tried andhe didnt want to know. Then i can get on with my life without woundering what if. I am not saying i will do this before christmas i just want to have all the details so i can think and when i am ready i will be able to go and do what i have to do. I feel like you are all saying what i am doing is wrong. When it isnt it is far from wrong. What is wrong with me wanting to know where i came from, Wanting to know if my dad wants me in his life or not? I am not saying everything will be great coz it wont. It will take a long time to ajust etc. But what difference does it make how long i leave it??

Gemma- i wouldn' presume to make suggestions on something quite as sensitive an issue as this unless i knew what i was talking about. Yes i have been there - how many times? you wouldn't believe (others know) and yes, i have the scars and heartache to show for the journey. all i was suggesting was that you find out EVERY last little shed that you can, pre making a move - in that way you can come to terms with things bit by bit. You daughter is the most precious thing in the world to you, and you are anxious that she should be acknowledged by her grandfather, he may have 10 other grandchilden and not want to know - are you emotionally ready to deal with that for you both? Pilling in there 3 days before christmas with a phone call out of the blue isn't considering anyones needs but yours

Thanks hun. I will i have my partner to help me through it all. Hopefully anyway. We are trying to stick together.

Gemma, Please consider carefully that there are two sides of the coin here - you & your daughter have needs, but so do any subsequent children of a new relationship. All people are asking you to do is to tread very carefully and slowly, rather than to rush in like a bull at a gate. Surely news of an older half-sister is better coming from a family member, rather than you, a complete stranger to them. Please take note of Jess's comments - having read the boards for some time, i can assure you that she does know what she is talking about and has always been helpful and supportive to people in a similar situation to yourself. I can only advise you that an unknown, older half-brother was determined to make contact with the widower and two sons of his mother, my late aunt, and would not take things slowly, because he said he needed to do it for himself. Uncle and younger son were okay about this, but the elder boy was devastated to learn that his mother had had a 'secret' life and that he had never known anything about it. He was in his 40's when the news was suddenly thrust upon him, had a nervous breakdown and has never really recovered. The new “ brother” got what he wanted, but not the middle boy - his life has been ruined. No one is suggesting that you shouldn’t try to make contact – we are only suggesting that it should be done very carefully, to try and ensure that other innocent people do not become victims. Jay

i cant say i understand cos i had my own dad and mum round me all my life, but ive seen the devestation it causes when things go wrong , as did in hubbys case, he got lot of s**t off his mum for stumblin on his sister, not his fault his mum kept her a secret, now his sisters stopped speakin to him cos of a misunderstanding all i can say is be careful gemma, dont get hurt, sometimes its not worth it i hope when you find him, hes all you want in a father, becareful

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Before when i started to look for my dad i was dfoing it alone without my mums help. Last night i told my mum and she told me everything i needed to know. I think he may have other children. What difference does that make. I understand it may hurt them so i will try and be descret so they they find otu when he wants them to and if he wants them to. I understand all this. I must say though that i am not going to not find him coz he remarried. I need to know my dad for me and my daughter. Dont mean to sound rude. But do you understand where i am coming from?? Gem x

Gemma - that is just the sort of thing you do need to find out before you go in there . Find out if he had remarried, if he has subsequent children and all that you can before you plough headlong in there. How are you sure it is the right person this time? Jess x

What do you mean by background work?? I know all about his mum, dad and bro. Aparantly my grandad was the only one who wanted contact with me at first and he say me when i was 2 months old and just cuddled me for hours. Then at the age of 3 my dad decided he wanted to be in my life but my mum told him where to go. So now i am here making the next move. I dont know if he is married etc. Guess i will just have to find out.

gemma you could write first then give him your number in the letter thats how i dealt with hubby gettin in touch with his sister, she phoned here the night she got letter, then i gave her his mobile number , as he was in work, it left it in her hands to contact further, less of a shock

Okay - so you want to contact him~and there is no reason why you shouldn't. have you done all the basisc groundwork in finding out about his current situation?

Sorry that message come out wrong. I dont want to find my dad because of the problems i am having. I want to find him because i would like to give him and me the chance to get to know eahother and hopefully build a relationship with him. I understand he may reject me but that is a risk i am willing to take. I will just have to see. i will not know until i try. As far as i am concerned my dad doesnt need to know my problems. I would just like to know him and for him to know me and his beautiful grandaughter. So that isnt the reason i want to find him at all. I feel that now is as good a time as any. Gem x