General Chat

Some of you may have read that i am looking for my biological father. I thought i found my grandad but it wasnt him and now i have found him. Please can anyone tell me ways i can find a telephone number for him or is 192.com the only one i can get it from?? Thanks Gemma x

Pretty well , yes, wouldn't writing be a better idea - initial contact on the telephone is awfully difficult for both him and you Jess

Gemma, I'm with Jess here. That's great that you've managed to find Grandfather; it'd be perhaps less of a shock for him to get a letter from you, then he could 'digest' it a bit before you think about ringing him. Two years ago our adoptive daughter asked if she could be in touch with her birth Great-Gran, before it was too late. Cutting a long story short, our adoption agency got in touch via S.S., and we eventually rang her (dialling 141 first! lol). If we hadn't written first, the shock might have - just might have - killed her, as she's quite elderly. Good luck, and keep us updated, eh. x

I understand what you are saying. I think i just wanted to get this out of the way. It is very stressful and i cant handle all this waiting. Maybe i should write. Was just hoping maybe i could talk to him on the phone

Hi Gemma I really do think the advice from the two members above is sound advice. I wish you every success Maz x

It is stressful Gemma - ringing is actually harder for everyone though~ If you were to ring, what on earth are you going to say?

i really dont know. I guess i am just being impatient. I am having a really bad time at the moment. My relationship is falling appart. I am scared i will be left as a single mum with no where to turn. I am in bits at he mo. Maybe i should wait

Blimey Gem, that brings back memories of last year, with daughter (your reply after mine). Normally, contact with our kids' birth family is letterbox, but due to her distress we pursued it - we're glad we did, although we were aware of things that could have gone wrong. Believe me, I can understand a bit of what you must be going through, having been on tenterhooks with daughter, waiting for the go-ahead. Think positive. :-)

Gema - this is a really difficult thing to say nicely and have sat and pondered quite how to say it, so i just will! if you are able to find this number and you ring it, and the bloke doesnt want to even talk to you ~ever~ are you going to be able to cope? especially at a time when everything round you is wobbly? If he rejects you point blank (and that is always a possibility that you MUST consider) are you able to manage the additional heartache that would bring , just at the moment?

Gemma such good advice has been given so far you should write first and add your phone number then he may get back to you good luck to you Howardxx

Sorry that message come out wrong. I dont want to find my dad because of the problems i am having. I want to find him because i would like to give him and me the chance to get to know eahother and hopefully build a relationship with him. I understand he may reject me but that is a risk i am willing to take. I will just have to see. i will not know until i try. As far as i am concerned my dad doesnt need to know my problems. I would just like to know him and for him to know me and his beautiful grandaughter. So that isnt the reason i want to find him at all. I feel that now is as good a time as any. Gem x

Okay - so you want to contact him~and there is no reason why you shouldn't. have you done all the basisc groundwork in finding out about his current situation?

gemma you could write first then give him your number in the letter thats how i dealt with hubby gettin in touch with his sister, she phoned here the night she got letter, then i gave her his mobile number , as he was in work, it left it in her hands to contact further, less of a shock

What do you mean by background work?? I know all about his mum, dad and bro. Aparantly my grandad was the only one who wanted contact with me at first and he say me when i was 2 months old and just cuddled me for hours. Then at the age of 3 my dad decided he wanted to be in my life but my mum told him where to go. So now i am here making the next move. I dont know if he is married etc. Guess i will just have to find out.

Gemma - that is just the sort of thing you do need to find out before you go in there . Find out if he had remarried, if he has subsequent children and all that you can before you plough headlong in there. How are you sure it is the right person this time? Jess x

Before when i started to look for my dad i was dfoing it alone without my mums help. Last night i told my mum and she told me everything i needed to know. I think he may have other children. What difference does that make. I understand it may hurt them so i will try and be descret so they they find otu when he wants them to and if he wants them to. I understand all this. I must say though that i am not going to not find him coz he remarried. I need to know my dad for me and my daughter. Dont mean to sound rude. But do you understand where i am coming from?? Gem x

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i cant say i understand cos i had my own dad and mum round me all my life, but ive seen the devestation it causes when things go wrong , as did in hubbys case, he got lot of s**t off his mum for stumblin on his sister, not his fault his mum kept her a secret, now his sisters stopped speakin to him cos of a misunderstanding all i can say is be careful gemma, dont get hurt, sometimes its not worth it i hope when you find him, hes all you want in a father, becareful

Gemma, Please consider carefully that there are two sides of the coin here - you & your daughter have needs, but so do any subsequent children of a new relationship. All people are asking you to do is to tread very carefully and slowly, rather than to rush in like a bull at a gate. Surely news of an older half-sister is better coming from a family member, rather than you, a complete stranger to them. Please take note of Jess's comments - having read the boards for some time, i can assure you that she does know what she is talking about and has always been helpful and supportive to people in a similar situation to yourself. I can only advise you that an unknown, older half-brother was determined to make contact with the widower and two sons of his mother, my late aunt, and would not take things slowly, because he said he needed to do it for himself. Uncle and younger son were okay about this, but the elder boy was devastated to learn that his mother had had a 'secret' life and that he had never known anything about it. He was in his 40's when the news was suddenly thrust upon him, had a nervous breakdown and has never really recovered. The new “ brother” got what he wanted, but not the middle boy - his life has been ruined. No one is suggesting that you shouldn’t try to make contact – we are only suggesting that it should be done very carefully, to try and ensure that other innocent people do not become victims. Jay

Thanks hun. I will i have my partner to help me through it all. Hopefully anyway. We are trying to stick together.