General Chat

Some mothers give up their children just simply because they don't want the baggage, they'd much rather have a child free life. And no she never once felt guilty. Not quite sure why she ever had children to be honest, as others have said not a maternal bone in her body. On a postive note, the two children she left behind had a wonderful upbringing thanks to their nan, and would fight to the death rather than be seperated from their children!!!

I must add every situation is different and I most certainly would not judge someone for their actions,thats personal. I also believe that biological parents arent always the best ones, anyone can father or be a biological parent(not all I know) but it takes Love and understanding to be a parent. which are very different things!

lol Gwynne:) I suppose there so many different scenarios Kaye - that's why I get a bit arsey when people are so judgemental - we hardly never know all the facts. Vicky I agree with you - I don't think many parents give up children to the care of anyone (whether ex partner or adoptive parents) lightly. But of those who do, I don't think a mother is any worse than a father for doing it. Thanks everyone - really interesting posts:)

thought-provoking thread this. Do you think a mother could give up her child (or children) if she thought she wasn't making a very good job of looking after them, and it would be far better for them to be brought up by their father? When the sort of circumstances arise that mean a baby is given up for adoption, for whatever reason, mum is usually told 'you are doing the right thing' no matter what the bond & no matter what her feelings, its always the child's welfare that matters most. So if a marriage broke up & she felt the child would be better with its father, why is that regarded in a totally different light? I'm sure she wouldn't willingly give up a child without a VERY good reason.

I can relate to what Pink said - my Father left when I was almost 10 without any thought of taking me (or my Brother or Sister) with him - he's not Paternal at all and has never told me he loves me, but that's just his genetic make-up - he's a bit cold! I also know someone who left their Husband and took their children with them and refused the Father access for years, finally the Father caught up with them and they went for a visit - they came back full of Dad's wonderful and we want to live with him (like kids do) and she let them go - just like that. It astounded me and I admit made me think less of her (not that I think much of her anyway). She has since had two more children with a new Husband. I guess I am just a little biased - my Mum was (and still is) wonderful and I can't imagine anyone having a closer bond with their Mum, so it seems odd to me that a woman could let her children go - my Mother would have fought tooth and nail to keep me. I do agree though that Maternal instinct doesn't just come from carrying a child - I know people who are adopted and the bond with their parents is just as strong as any other. Kaye x

Hi David, I can't envisage any circumstances where I could have left without taking my son with me. I'm pretty sure that my OH feels the same way - so it's a good job we get on, really. Gwynne

That's probably true!

Hi Mags - sorry, I was updating my message as you were posting:) I completely understand what you're saying but I think a lot of people whose fathers have left them feel the same as you. Agree with you Diana:)

David I personally don't think we are loved just because we are born..... My mother proved that to me!! Again not a criticism of her, just the way she is!! I think it's a case of a bond not just being made at birth!! Adoptive parents bond with their child for completely different reasons than just because they have too..... and how many children find their birth mothers and find they are rejected all over again!! xx

Thank you, David. And her guilt made her illness worse for a while, I believe. But her love for them was so great that she felt their life would be better without her, until such time as she is able to return. I am sure to walk away and leave them was the most painful thing in her life so far; but because she loved them so much, she put them first and herself last.

Not at all David. I believe a relationship between an adoptive mother can be equally as strong. I don't think you have to give birth to be maternal. I am just saying I find it hard to understand how the mother can walk out on her child. Basically I can't understand why my mum left me??? I would also like to say that my Dad was a wonderful man and did his very best in raising me and I have the greatest respect for him even to this day and he passed away 14 years ago. It is just my opinion and I feel that I am entitled to it as I have experience of it myself. I realise that every person has their own reasons and some are completely understandable. I am not going into what happened with me but I don't think my mum left me with good enough reason! It was selfish on her part and that I can not understand or forgive that!

Elaine, Mags and Roxanne (Hiya Roxanne;))) I have a real problem with that argument:)) For several reasons but mostly because I'm adopted. Firstly, there's a bit of defensiveness for whatever reasons birth mothers have for giving up their children for adoption. Secondly, because it devalues the bond between a father and a child. Thirdly and most importantly for me, it's suggesting that the relationship between an adoptive mother and her child can never be as strong as that between a biological mother and her child. And that's so wrong. PS - sorry just re-read the posts and it's more for Elaine:)) Agreeing with Helen really:)

I also want to add that my relationship with my mother would mean given a choice I would always have gone with my Daddy......... I was given that choice at 40 and I took just that path!! She doesn't have a maternal bone in her body and that's her make-up..... not a criticism of her, just a fact! XX

Hi David,Personally I think it just unnatural, Women are by nature the ones that protect and nurture,I just find it very odd when a woman can walk out on her child, its not natural! P.S Hope your well!

I'll tell ya cos, Mothers are supposed to be maternal and its harder to take that they can leave there kids. I am saying this as someone raised by their Dad I would like to add that I don't see every mother who leaves their children as bad people. Just from my experience I find it hard to understand!

Interesting one this. I do understand what you are saying Elaine but, as the mother of both birth and adopted children I'm not sure that I agree. The bond between both my birth children and adopted children is built on the love that I feel for them and the protective mother instinct that is part of my maternal make up. If it is within my power I would no sooner let anyone hurt the children who I didn't bring into the world than the children I did. I do often feel guilty because I work full-time and my husband has the day to day responsibility for our children - presumably because my maternal instinct thinks that isn't quite right but I know that the care they receive is as good as it would be with me and I just try and spend as much time as possible with them when I'm at home. Helen

Personally, I think women give other women a hard time because many of us have a strong maternal instinct which we find very difficult to sever...and we feel all mothers should have this instinct too. As a mother, I cannot imagine walking away from my child, and letting others bring them up be it the father or someone else. My natural instinct feels this is not right.for a mother to do (even though there are fantastic single dads out there ) Its very difficult to accept many women dont feel the same way. Of course there is no right or wrong, and some women do want to walk away from their children's upbringing, but then again, some women HAVE to walk away through illness, or any other circumstance which may or may not be helped. I do think though, even though 2 parents love the child equally, a mothers bond is different to a mans bond with the child. Feeling the child grow inside you, feeding from you to grow, the rush of hormones, etc, creates a bond that is naturally stronger. It also doesnt mean either parent loves the child less or more than the other Elaine x

I don't think anyone can judge anyone elses reason for leaving a child whatever they are...... it must be a heart breaking decision!! xxx

You're right Helen - people hardly ever know all the circumstances of any situation. I know what you mean Joy - personally I've found most people I know who are no longer with their children for whatever reason feel guilt and tremendous sadness.

I don't know, David. My stepdaughter had to leave her children with her partner, because of health reasons. She still feels guilt, even though she had to do it because of her love for them (hope that makes sense). She hopes she will be able to return one day.