General Chat

Very difficult decisions Gwynne. I remember that my mother had kept all the letters my father had sent her during WW2. She died, and the letters stayed in the cupboard. Then my father died. I took the letters home with me. I was tempted to read them but felt I would have been intruding. One day I wrapped them carefully and put them out in the rubbish. ... :-) Joy

It is unbelievably difficult and probably why I have a house that is cluttered with hundreds of things I can’t let go, not always things I like but items that I know my mother in law treasured, that were dear to her but just did not have room for when she went into a home. I suppose we were lucky in a way that we weren’t solely responsible for the task of clearing her house (also one that they moved into as newly-weds) My brother in law and his wife were ‘on the spot’ and lived in the neighbourhood so took on a lot of the responsibility for disposing of the larger furniture but it was the nick knacks that my sister in law would never have made house room for that I brought back here by the box load rather than have them dumped, which would have been their fate. Perhaps I am too sentimental but the fact that when she wonders ‘what happened to…?’ I can truthfully say ‘I’ve got that’ and on one or two occasions have been able to take her things that she decided she would like to have with her or has remembered with fondness. It makes her happy to believe she has a ‘custodian’ for her past life. I sometimes wish I could be more hard hearted and get rid of all the things I don’t really need or want but it’s not in me to do that while she’s alive and, besides, some of her ‘treasures’ are becoming my treasures too. I watched as her home lost all its personality and became more of a house again with every box that was packed. I stood in each room, feeling sadness for the era gone. I know what a difficult task lies ahead of you and I can offer no real advice at all about coping or what to do, somehow you manage to do the right thing and I’m sure you will let your heart rule your head where it matters and your head rule the line between what does and what doesn’t. I wish you luck. Love and hugs Mags xxx

I really feel for you Gwynne. Nothing much else I can say except take your time, no need to rush this and good luck with it all. Bev x

Hi Claire, I'm an only child and all Dad's brothers and sisters have died. Mum's family are very unsentimental so wouldn't want anything. The decent furniture that we don't want we are offering to my son and g/f then the rest will go to the Cov charity that sets up homes for those in need. It's all the little things that are causing me heartache. Gwynne

Oh dear Gwynne, I really would not know what to do. I am such a hoarder anyway and l find it hard to part with lots of things of sentimental value. I would make your 'keep' pile as you are obviously putting stuff on there that holds some sentimental value for you. Then may be in a few days go through it again. You may be easier able to decide after a break which things are most valuable to you and which you are able to part with. Is there not anything that friends or family might like as a keepsake? That way you still get 'access' to the stuff without having to store it, plus someone else gets the pleasure too. Claire xx

Know exactly what you mean Gwynne and sometimes it is the daftest little things that you keep. I open a drawer sometimes and see things think they are neither use nor ornament, but I can't part because they belong to my Mum and Dad. I feel I would be betraying them if I got rid of it. Not like my Mum (bless her soul) she would have took one look and out it would go.)LOL. Just pack what you can and wait till the time is right and you don't feel too emotional to do it. Hope you can manage OK Germaine x

Hi Germaine, It's because we don't want to get a dealer in just yet that we are up there most evenings trying to sort through what to keep. We don't want to leave the house empty for too long and the work required could take some months, anyway. But we really have to clear the decks - as Dad puts it. So far I have 'keep' 'maybe' and 'dump' piles and lists but the 'keep' pile is getting a bit out of hand. Gwynne

Hi, The house needs rewiring plus some building work and OH has put flooring down in the attic. We are putting in boxes the stuff we want to keep and storing it up there for now. But there just isn't room for everything of theirs and ours. I don't want to leave an even bigger task for our son to have to deal with in future years. When we have finally sorted Dad's stuff I intend being very ruthless about what we take. But it is easier to get rid of our stuff than Dad's, if you see what I mean. Gwynne

Whatever you do if you are able to leave it a while. Don't rush into it. I say this with what happened with my parents home. I had my Mum with me 12 month knowing she could never go home but couldn't bring myself to sell her home. In the end I had to as someone had tried to break in. Then I told my brother get what you want before it goes. ( he didn't then had the cheek (well his wife) to ask me where is this where is that!!!) I already had her little personal things in her room with me. And after getting no help from brother I just got a dealer in and got them to empty her house. It was awful and I had taken very little so as I couldn't be called after. The things that went is heartbreaking though they didn't have a lot it still was a shame. Luckily or could be said to unlucky she wasn't a hoarder so a lot of things (photo's / letters etc ) were already gone. Germaine x

really feeling for boyh of you i cant imagine what that must feel like try and look upon it that this is all the happy times they spent mayby when your sorting through you will no what to keep xx

You have eloquently put into words what my Sis and I are going to have to face when we can bear to............we are putting off the day until we feel emotionally able to deal with everything that has to be done........ We look at our homes and are beginning to be ruthless in getting rid of that which is no longer necessary to our lives.......we also have ornaments and things which mean something to us, but will they mean the same to our children....I doubt it......

He is mentally very alert but has become increasingly frail physically and, after a series of falls, decided he was too much of a “burden” – his word not ours – on us and his friends and neighbours. His need for nursing care has also increased following a spell in hospital. It’s working out well, so far. His room is large with plenty of space for the things he wanted to take with him. He looks out over open country and has seen many birds, badgers and foxes. He has his own bookcase filled with his favourite books and we’ve bought him a mini stereo system for all his tapes and CDs. The staff are very attentive and friendly. Meanwhile we are faced with the task of sorting out his house; of unravelling the strands of the life he had there with my mother and for the 8 years since her death. He and my mother always wanted us to live in the house that they had built when they moved here to teach in the 1950s. I haven’t decided whether I can live there yet but, whatever happens, we have to sort through 50 years of memories and possessions. How do I decide what to keep and what has to go? We have been spending hours there going through papers, boxes, books, folders and photographs. I have uncovered some real treasures – his WW2 medals, army pay book, letters from “lost” relatives and hundreds of photos. There is stuff I remember from both sets of grandparents’ homes – china, pictures, nick knacks, and items of furniture. Dad has said to “throw the lot out”. But I can’t do that. But in our own house I have 30 years worth of similar stuff and I can’t keep everything. Some evenings it feels like I’m intruding into their lives and their privacy. I have found a box full of letters that they wrote to each other during the war. To read them would be an intrusion, yet I cannot bring myself to throw them away. How have others dealt with this sort of situation? Gwynne

My father (aged 96) recently decided to go into a nursing home -