General Chat

My mother in law died 13 years ago and I know that my father in law hasn't got rid of anything of hers. Her clothes are still in the wardrobe, her perfume and make up etc on the dressing table. I also know that a few years ago he told me there was money in her handbag(about £100). When I asked him why? His reply was that it wasn't his money. The trouble is, when anything happens to him (he is 86) my hubby and me are not only going to have to sort out his stuff but hers as well. This makes it twice as hard on my hubby. I think I'm going to have to do it and just keep personal stuff for him to sort.

I know how you feel about getting rid of her things, my dear mother in law died over 18 years ago and I still have her handbag complete with money, and personal items in a box in my attic, we also had a chair that she used to sit on and over the years this chair got more and more tatty until i had to be get rid of , so we took it apart and got rid of it but then we did keep the screws and bolts that held it together, she was such a darling lady that i felt reluctant to throw her things away as I also felt that I was throwing her away, my sister in law still has a night dress that every now and then she takes out and washes and irons but says when she holds it to her face she can still smell her mum. I am sure she is watching over you and is giving you strength. Pam

It's a rough time, Gaynor. I can tell you that time is a great healer though, but it may be a couple of years before things are in perspective. In late 2000 early 2001 both my parents died 7 weeks apart. Mum went first, Dad had senile dementia and didn't really understand what was happening. I cleared the house between mum and dad dying, and dealt with their affairs afterward. Just stuffed anything of importance into a few old cases and put it in the loft. Much the same as my dad did when his mum died in 1978. I've just sorted the last case of stuff this year, and mums handbag. I think after six years I do feel it's all put to bed, the old issues finished and the future to look forward to with our new grandchild who my parents would have doted on. Good luck with the future.

Gaynor I really feel for you. We all miss June on the boards here. She supported me with the health problems I have, and I will always be grateful for that. Take your time over things. There is no 'right' time. You will know in your heart when to do it. Although your Mum is not physically there with you, I am sure that she is watching over you. Cherish the memories you have of her. I am sure there are countless ones that make you smile. She wouldn't want you to be sad, so smile and go on with your life. Yes there will be times when you cry, but time is a great healer. You will never forget, but the ache you feel now will get less. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family. Much love Pauline xx

Gaynor if you want to do this then you do it love. I would do the same. This is part of your grieving process and no matter what anyone else says you will deal with it in what or how you know best. this is your time to reflect and think about your mum, you are doing nothing wrong, we each handle things different depending on who we are or who our mum is. Get picking them hairs off, and put them somewhere special. catherine xx

Gaynor A hard job to do but it is helping with the grieving process. Take your time do what you think is best for you at the time if you dont get rid of it now you may think in 6 months that you are ready to do it then. After FiL died we moved and bought a lot of his things with us over the last few years hubby has been able to get rid of things. It will get easier for you. Remember your mum is still with you these are just material things and she wouldn't want you to worry about getting rid of them, your memories will never fade. d xx

Gaynor, I do feel for you. It is no time at all since July but a change of season seems a good time to start what is such a hard task. When we lost Mum in February, there were some things which we felt quite comfortable about giving to charity and some things we felt just had to stay within the family. Mum had many 'comfortable' dresses which the hospital were glad of and we think she would want to help others as she always had helped anyone she could. There is no right time for moving things. You must do what is right for you. Gwyn

I have even been picking her hair off her clothes and putting them in a little box... it's the only actual physical thing I have left of her - if only I had taken a lock of her hair while she was still with us.

Gaynor, my heart goes out to you. I lost my dad ten yrs ago, the day he died his brother made me clear the bed, his clothes ect, worst thing for me, i broke down and sobbed my heart out. I wish i had had more time to think what i wanted to do with his things, but never got that chance, i'm so glad you have taken the time, and your doing what you want to do. Don't feel bad it's part of the letting go and holding on to those wonderful memories you have of your wonderful mother. Good luck and best wishes, my thoughts are with you x

oh Gaynor I really know how you feel love. This is one of the worst things you can do, cos it's always something you have to face at some point. I remember doing it with my mum, it was so hard I didn't want anything of hers to go, I sat there in her bedroom picking up Jumpers and scarfs, I could still smell her perfume on them, and I cried so much. Hugging the jumpers. I knew mum wouldn't want me to be like this and she always believed in charity shops.It's nearly 10yrs on, but I have a special private box, that I keep with her Hearing aid in and glasses and all the cards and letters that were sent at her funeral. Every so often I have a look. But my story is 10 yrs on and your is 3 months, it will get easier Gaynor I promise you. My Thoughts are with you, your mum was such a lovely woman, loved by everyone, especially you and your family. catherine xx

I know those feelings. That's how I felt, Gaynor. You will always cherish your Mum, just as I do mine. Often thinking of you.

Worst thing I have ever done too - sorting through parents effects. You only feel guilt cos in your mind your mum is still with you and it takes more than a few months to realise that hre physical prescence is no longer with you. You have taken the first step in what I think is grieving - the guilt will wear off but you know your heart is always with her.

Hi Gaynor I don't usually post messages but I read yours and my heart went out to you. I have been in the same position with both my mum and dad and it is hard sorting through their clothes because they all tell a story. But whatever you decide to do with your mum's clothes remember they are only material things. The memories and the love are in your heart and will be with you forever. It is 26years since my mum died but I chat to her photograph every day and I just know she is watching over me just like yours will be. I hope you can find the strength to get through the coming months. God Bless you and yours. love Margaret x

Bless you, I really do know how you feel, its a hard thing to do. Just try and remember the happy times you shared together. Your mum will always be with you, she will always be there in your heart. Take Care Rosi

You're beginning to let go Hun, that's all. Nothing wrong in that, but it is hard. I lost my Dad last year and he wanted me to have a coffee set he kept in a display cabinet at his house. I still haven't been to collect it yet, even though he wanted me to have it. For now it still doesn't feel right to move it from where he kept it.

Hi Gaynor I know exactly how you feel it is such a hard job . Take Care thinking of you Germaine x

It's been three months since Mum died now and I have been feeling lately like I need to start sorting things out. Until now her bedroom, living room etc has been left exactly as she left it on the mornng of 1st July. Until now I have been unable to bear changing anything, but I knew it needed to be done, sorting through her clothes I mean and so, seeing as when the seasons change I change over my own clothes each Autumn and Spring, I thought this would be as good a time as any to pack away Mum's clothes so I decided to book a few days off work to do it. Some things I have kept for myself, we were similar in size and I often used to borrow (often permantly) Mums things and so I know she wouldn't mind, and some things I have asked my cousin if she would like them because Mum had alot of things which were brand new, unworn and still with labels on. Mum loved buying new clothes but would always put them in the wardrobe ready for a special occasion. My cousin is blonde like Mum and some things just don't suit my colouring and I think she would like Jill to have them. Other things which are a little past their best but still in good condition, I have folded neatly into a bin bag and am putting them in the loft until I can think a bit more rationally what to do and maybe later give them to charity or do a car boot or something. Some very special clothes that remind me so much of Mum I have put in a suit case, I am keeping these indefinately, I have no plans for them, they hopefully will just be there for whenever I feel the need to be especially close to her. Sadly, a few bits and peices, along with things of my own, will be thrown away. Why is it then that I feel so bad? I feel almost as if I am throwing Mum out of her own home. Which, of course, is the last thing I want to do, I just know that this needs to be done and seeing as I work full time, it just seems like a practical time to do it. When I am sorting my own things out too. Gaynor :-(