General Chat

Liz I have PM'd you. Suzy x

Suzy, I think you have all the advice you can cope with and very good advice it is. I would just like to offer my condolences on the loss of your father in law. I am sure he died knowing you would care for his wife and he was leaving her in safe hands. Liz

Sunny, Susan, Melvyn and Joan Thank you all for your very kind replies. I have PM'd you. Suzy x

Hi Suzy I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. Please accept my sincere condolences. I am also sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I too, had a parent who suffered form this cruel illness. Sadly my dad died just before Christmas too. I found our Social Services did not help much at all, they offered my mum one hour a day help with dad; sadly she then suffered a collapse due to the stress of looking after him & died before him. Dad was assessed by the Social Services & put in a totally unsuitable home for someone with dementia (They do wander, so a 'locked door' policy is a must). I would be careful about sheltered accomadation; they do not know how to deal with Alzheimers/Dementia sufferers. Recently my OH was out & a lady slipped & fell in front of her home, which was in a sheltered block, he tried to get the warden to help & she didn't want to know; it was her day off!!! OH had to help her back into her home, check she was ok etc himself! It really is a long goodbye. All I can advise is don't disturb her surroundings too much; dad used to scream like an animal when he was just taken for hospital check-ups! Ask around for recommendations from others regarding how good a home is for her. She will need Nursing Care in a specialist home; ordinary old people's homes are not suitable. Take care of yourself, too, it is a very stressful thing to watch a loved one deteriorate like this. Pm me if you ever need support, lots of us have helped each other through this. (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Joan

Hello Sorry to hear your sad news. I will share with you a few of my own experiences which I hope may give you some pointers. 3 years ago my mother passed away with cancer. About the same time as my mother started to deteriorate it became clear to us as a family that my father was not in control of his mental faculties. At first we thought that it was due to the stress of having to cope with mother's terminal illness. He had always enjoyed good physical health but he started to do some strange and bizarre things which were out of character and he started to suffer short term memory loss. As my mother was not able to cope with him and care for him due to her own frailty we sought the help of Social services whose help became invaluable, not only in the care for mum but also as Dad's condition changed as well. We were able to obtain respite care for him in a local Care Home which gave mum chance to rest and fret less. Eventually Mum passed away in early 2004 and dad's mental condition continued to deteriate. He then spent some time at an assesment Centre and as a result of this assessemnt he was then found a care home which specialise in dementia care. Sadly he also passed away in October this year although it was not the Dementia which caused his death but rather a very severe chest infection. My advice to you is not to be frightened to ask for professional help. We had great support from Herts Adult Care Services who wre excellent. We received Financial Support in the the form of attendance allowance for my mother whilst she was in the final satges of her terminal illness. Social Services also put us in touch with many other Services which could provide practicle help such as Meals on Wheels, MacMillan Nursing, Domestic help for shopping, washing and cleaning. Depending on your loved ones circumstances you may also get some financial help for Care Home Services if you find it necessary to find alternative housing. My advice is Don't struggle and try and cope entirely on your own. I know from experience that we alsways want the best for our parents but there is often a limit to the practicle help and financial help we can provide personaly. I wish you well. Take care. Melvyn

Im so sorry to hear of your loss anytime is a bad time but near christmas I believe is worse I lost my daughter 10 years ago on the 18th dec so I know My nanny Evans had alz too she was a busy caring and intelligent person who turned intoa nasty uncaring and not at all my gran My nan died prob 6 years before her body did You have my thoughts with you I agree with the others whilst shes at her best let her go where she wants. But make sure its secure as my nan did wander (saying that she got out of the one home with five bolts on etc they said they will never understand how she got out of there) I think in a commune situation will keep her going too least you picked it up early sometimes it can go without being noticed In her own home she can be very vunerable my nan was ripped off by an antique dealer we didnt know till a few days later he had told her he wanted to marry her thats when we realised she got alz All the best for 2007 to you and you family please contact me anytime

The only 'Advice' I would offer, is that, if you look into a warden controlled sheltered home for her that you make sure that the wardens are able to offer nursing care. Where my late Mum lived, the warden would check every morning that all was well with each resident, but couldn't offer care if they were ill. Of course they would call assistance is they were ill, i.e. Doctor or Ambulance. I wish you all the best. Sunny R

Hope you find the right solution-not sure I did-but out voted four to one-God Bless you and yours.

Maisie, Susan and Lil Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have PM'd you. Suzy x

So Sorry to hear your sad news my sincere condolences for the loss of your father in law. My M.I.L has the earlier stages of Alzheimer's she is in hospital at the moment which has only made her condition worse she has become so confused wandering around lost, it's been a difficult decision for my hubby and his family to make regarding her after care as some member's just dont want the responsibility of caring for her, but as a family they feel its important she returns home to familar surroundings as she's 85 and has lived in her house for over 60yrs, so Hubby is Brother and Sister have agreed to share the responsibility not bad out of 7 chidren it will be tough on them they know but it's something they feel they need to do, It really is best to look at all options and take your time before making any decision. There is lots of help and advice out there and peoples personal experiences on caring for loved ones i do wish you and your family the very best and my thoughts are with you . Lilx

Sorry to hear your sad news. My Dad had dementia and it was very difficult to cope with. He settled well into a nursing home where he got the care that my Mum could'nt give him. He did have other health issues which made things more difficult. Maybe while she is happy to move and more able to cope and settle well into care, now is the time. Good luck whatever you and your MIL decide to do. Susan xx

Suzy..... I nursed my lovely Mum for nearly 4 years at home with Alzheimers. Thankfully I have a very caring and understanding hubby who has always supported me in this. Mum was diagnosed in 2000 and believe me towards the end of the 4 years I was under such extreme stress. I moved in with Mum nd had carers coming in to sit with her and give me a break. My 2 sisters were working and I had retired and I too said that my Mum would never go into a Care Home but in the end she had to. She is very well looked after and does not know us now which, is so sad. This disease is definately the long good bye.... as I lost my Mum some years ago now and she cannot walk, talk, and is doubly incontinent. Mum had to have 24hour care which I could not do but, did as much as I could until she went in to her Home that she's in now. I had help from Mums GP who was wonderful, she was also on the tablets that NICE and the Government in their wisdom have decided to stop!! Without those tablets Mum could not have stayed at Home. The Alzheimers Society were marvellous and we got Mum into a day centre 3 days a week which only lasted about 3 months as she became too aggresive bless her.... Social Worker was not much of a help as I did all the chasing around to find these Carers and help for Mum.... So now I do voluntary work for Alzheimers Society to repay them for how they helped me...... and I am disgusted that they have withdrawn these very very important and much needed drugs for Alzheimer sufferers in the early stages.... £2.50 a day they cost for Heavens sake!!!!! I don't know how I would have managed caring for my Mum without them.. If your M i L is happy to be moved to a Sheltered Accomodation and you can find one that caters for her then do so but, I am not sure that they will take her as she may be at risk of walking out and wandering... If I can help Suzy please pm me I will help all I can. Love Maisie xx

Suzy, Have sent you a pm. Elaine x.

Anne and Jules Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it. I have PM'd you. Suzy x

Hi Suzy Sorry can't offer any advice, but just to let you know am thinking of you at this time. Jxx

Can I offer you my condolences. Such an awful thing to hapen at christmas. I have worked with people with alzheimer's and know what a devastating illness it is. I think most people in the later stages need a nursing home. I wonder if it is worth trying to find a care home or supported housing option which is linked to a nursing home for the later stages. In Bristol where I live we have a very good dementia outreach service which provides care for people in the early stages in their own home. We also have daycentres for people with early stage dementia. Her G.P. should know what is available locally and he will be the person who will have to do the recommending. Have you checked she is receiving all the benefits she is entitled to? (((Hugs)) Anne

Suzy have PM'd you. Linda x

Lorraine, Beryl and Jess I really appreciate your kind replies. I have PM'd you. Suzy x

I guess it would be a good idea, especially if she seems happy about the idea - to get on and move her whilst the Effects are not too life encompassing so that the new environment becomes home before she goes 'too far away from herself' ( which is the best phrase I can use for the way these sufferers become) My mum has it, she's still my mum in body , but 'away' in what she was. thinking of you at his difficult time, and in the days ahead jess

Suzy, My sincere condolences for the loss of your father in law. My own dear Dad had Alzheimer's and my mother shortened her own life looking after him. In the latter stages of my fathers illness we had no option but to find a care home for him. I can not praise the staff of that home enough. My father ended his life well loved and very well cared for, far better than we could have given him. Look at all options and take your time before making any decision. My thoughts are with you and your family. Beryl x