General Chat

I have two brothers who especially since my Mum died, and the family house was cleared, do not bother to make contact except for a card at Christmas. One brother does chat or email very occasionally if I contact him first, but his wife never bothers, it is always my bro. If I contact him and tell him about relatives' news he is not that interested and the other brother doesn't make any effort at all, his wife is a snooty madam (no reason to be, just ideas above her station!) and she ends printed formal type Christmas cards to everyone, that is the only contact. Both my brothers live just 16 miles or so from me and about the same distance from each other. I have made a lot of effort to stay in touch with all family members, taking over Mum's address book when she died in 1995. I have also visited some of the relatives I had not met before. My own son met his father when I took him to Malta at the age of 3 and a half, his father had not acknowledged him till then, as soon as they met the father took us to see my son's grandmother and aunt and uncle, and we went back to Malta a few times till my Dad died and my Mum was ill. My son's father used to write to him , send him cards and little gifts etc, then he found a new woman and my son at the age of 10 got a letter in his birthday card to say he would soon have a step brother or sister. Son's father meant half bro or sister. Soon after he got another card which said I am pleased to tell you I have a son! Luckily my lad never noticed the wording of this but I did and nearly hit the roof, felt like screaming at this idiot of a man that he already had a son, my lad. The sibling was born 10years and 4 days after my lad! We visited Malta when my lad was 13 and the boy 3, after my Mum died, and we were told afterwards that despite his dad taking my lad out a few times with the toddler, and seeing the stepmother, the toddler has been brought up to know us only as family friends!!! He is now coming up to 15 and my son 25 and this year my son and I hope to visit Malta. His nanna and aunt still keep in touch at Christmas and birthdays but his dad stopped any contact at all, after our visit, before that he had stopped writing dad on cards and writing his name instead! When we were there the nanna and aunt would contact us at the hotel we stayed at and arrange to meet us secretly so the stepmother didn't find out. Unbelieveable!!! I just wonder what the young lad will think of his parents when he realises he has been lied to for so long. This is the way things get mixed up so that half brothers and sisters end up not wanting to be in contact, through dishonesty and cover ups by adults. Honesty is always the best policy. My son has no time for his father now, just says he is total pr**t!

I met my dad's second family when I started this, and they seemed so nice we were all talking and laughing and I felt totaly at ease with them, when I got back home I emailed one of my step-sisters to thank her for sorting it all out, and guess what non of them speak to me, why??? I have no idea, as I have asked but they haven't the decency to let me know, so there is no way I can even say sorry....So I guess they have lost out, because I would have at least given them the opertunity.... Bev

I do feel for you, I think as far as your half-siblings go, it is not so much rejection as divided loyalty? They probably feel that to be in touch with you is being disloyal to their mother. I do have a bit of experience of this, though it isn't me so don't want to give too much detail. Half -siblings probably realise as they become adult that their parents divorce isn't a black and white issue, but I think their loyalty usually lies with the parent they stay with. From the other side, I know as a single mum who doesn't have any contact with son's father that one day my son will possibly track him down and that it is possible that there may be half-siblings, How will I feel if son wants contact given a degree of bad feeling?( On both sides) Don't know yet! Son will no doubt have to tread a very fine line! Rosexxx

Ann, I am happy with my life now. To be honest it's the best at the moment than it has been for years. I just have problems with the past that's all! Maz Thanks. Feeling a bit crap today! Just emotional i think from going to my dad. I found out that he has not had ANY visitors other than me in the last year. Worse than that, Im the only person to write to him aswell. I feel so bad for him. Pat x

(((hugs))) for you Pat - you are a lovely kind and caring lady and you have a fantastic husband and kids - try and count your blessings hun :-)) Maz. XX

hey babe you can choose your friends but not your family, its their loss, just you get on with your life and be happy. hugs & xxxxx Ann xx

Thanks everyone for your replies. I suppose it's just a matter of getting on with things. Pat x

People always see things from their own point of view, and act to protect themselves. Perhaps your half siblings resent you for some completely untrue reason. But for them to change their long held views is often too much for people - you have to rethink everything you know, that you were told, and that you believe. This is very difficult for some people and the easy option is to carry on as before, with grudges and unfounded prejudices. On the other hand, maybe they are just not particularly interested in you - my own family is very like that. I have never met any of my 12 cousins, and the last time I saw my brother was six years ago at our father's funeral. This isnt to do with any falling out, it is just that they are not interested in any kind of family relationships. They all have youngish families, and of course, their family 'duty' is to their own children, not me. OC

We recently found my OH`S half brother and cousins he didn`t know about, also that his father had died in 1997. None of them want to meet OH ,including half brother. My OH isn`t bothered --I`m the nosey one and I found them. I think that they presume we`re after some money from his father`s will which OH should be entitled to --but it`s too late now--but we`re not, Ros

My kids of 18, 16 and 13 from my first marriage have been cut of from the whole of their dads family, no contact at all, dont know long term how they will feel I try to feel like keith its their dads families loss Cazx

David, Yeah it hurts but I i can do nothing about it. Even my sister has nothing to do with our dad, Oh she will ask me how my visit went and if he's ok. But she wont write to him or send him a card at Christmas or on his birthday. Pat x

Maggie, You are probably right, Not worth worrying about. I don't most of the time, But i suppose because i have been to see my dad, It has all been brought to the surface. Pat

If your half siblings and their anut/uncle can't blame your mum for taking their dad away, why is your aunt going on about their hard childhood? If she blames your dad for the first marriage splitting up, she must have some inkling about how it was for your mum. As others have said, it doesn't seem worth your while bothering with them, maggie

Maggie, His first marriage had been broken up for 5 years before my dad and mum got together, So my mum can't really be blamed. I suppose that the first marriage broke up due to my dads drinking. As for my dad, I don't have a bad relationship with him. I have just got back from seeing him in fact, even though he lives 250 miles away from me. I don't blame him or my mum for their break-up. They both have had rough time of it i think. Pat

Pat, This is perhaps going to sound a little harsh. As far as your half-siblings are concerned, your mum took their dad away from them, then if he totally disappeared from their lives, as he did from yours - that would have been your mums fault as well!! Natural thoughts from a child's point of view, and from what your Aunt says, propogated by her and company through the years. However, your half siblings are now adults, old enough to make their own minds up, and should realise things aren't as black and white as they appear in childhood - and children are innocent victims of adult behaviour. They obviously choose to cling on to their childish views. Personally if they were my half siblings I would come to the conclusion that if I did get to know them they would still blame me, and it probably wouldn't be a nice relationship. As for your relationship with your dad and his guilt feelings, would it make it easier if you told him you realised he missed your childhood, as you missed having him around, but you'd like to start again and get to know him as a human being, not as your father. maggie (who refuses to see an aunt and uncle - not that they want to see me - because they're just plain grasping, mean, self-centred and were taking things from my Gran when she was in a home!!)

Pat Don't know then, no easy answers, but then is there ever any easy answers???? Is there not one of the family you can have a chat too? and explain how you feel, or ask, and see if Scarlet has got it right. Maybe he did try and visit you but your Mum wouldn't let him, maybe the other family blame your Mum and so by association you, for the break up. Whereas the first childrens Mother might have let them see their dad and his family, thus ensuring they had a relationship. really tough break, for you tho, esp if you can't speak to any of the family to get answers.

Shelli, Yeah my aunt told me that they had it hard. She also told me how nice it was of them to go to my grandads funeral (It would have been nice if i had been told he had died!). I don't doubt it was difficult for them, they grew up without their dad like i did. As for my dad getting phoo's, He's not in contact with ANY of the family, only me. If i need to contact his sister or his other children, I have to. My dad has not spoke to his siblings since his mother died in 1981. His other daughters have written to him, so they must care about him. They just don't want to know me. Scarlet, I dont think they knew about the affair and even if they did, Yeah punish the adult, But not the children caught up in it. Pat

My OH made contact with his fathers family after some years, rather they got in contact with him, to say his father had died ( after he funeral though) he has a reasonable relationship with the Uncle that contacted him, BUT theUncle tells the tale somewhat differently to the way mother tells it. mother says his father went off into the wild blue yonder and never contacted again Uncle tells the tale that father tried to contact endlessly, he knocking on the door with him on occasions. Mother wouldn't have it. Who knows?Who knows who threw what accusations around? Fathers family maybe disgusted at your mother for having an affair and throwing him out ( maybe they thought he had to walk?) Ultimately, you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink - you cant make them want you.let it go, look forward not back

Pat As I said no easy answers. Who tells you the half siblings had it hard? Is it their Aunts and Uncles? p'haps their trying to protect them still??? Really don't know. As for the photos can you not speak to your Dad and ask him to obtain a copy for you. And I think to some extent fmailes are always tarred with the same brush, if there's one bad apple then the whole family are tainted...... does that make sense???? hard as it is let them think what they like..... you know the truth.

Jackie, Thats exactly how i feel, That my aunt and uncles didnt care enough about my dad to stay in touch. The worst thing though is knowing that they kept in touch with the children from his first marriage. Maybe their mother made more of an effort, I don't know. My mum probably wouldn't have thought about taking us to see them. Pat