General Chat

I think there are 2 parts to this issue, 1 is that the step child is in a strange land, perhaps even getting to know her father again? she has had a complete upturn in her life and perhaps is using her father as a comfort blanket. if she cant do basic times tables, was this not recognised in the uk and diagnosed as a learning difficulty? i find it hard to understand how a 15 year old could have gone almost all the way through the schools system without it being picked up. so theres the upheaval factor, not withstanding the fact that 15 year old children of either sex can be unpredictable to say the least. the other issue is the basic fact that regardless of what is going on in your lives, you and your husband need some 'you time'. even if its only one night a week, that is the night where you two have a meal together, a walk, a night at the cinema, whatever, but you need to do this or in the end you will end up on opposite sides of a war neither of you can ever win. sorry to waffle on but i have been pretty close to your situation, in the end my relationship didnt last and i'd hate that to happen to someone else. if you were good together before the stepdaughter arrived, you can be again. paul...

Kylie - as one or two others have said, take your time, perhaps 3-4 hrs work is too much and learning your tables is'nt the end of the world, but not being part of a family could be.But also remember being a step daughter is'nt always easy - l was a step daughter twice and believe me it was'nt always nice - l'm not saying you are'nt being nice either, just trying to see her view.Take care:o)) xx

Regardless of anything else, 3-4 hours going over the same thing in one night , and repeated over every night is TOO LONG ! Half hour practice per night will be enough, and with that only doing say from 1 x 4 to 5 x 4 in one sitting rather than cramming several more tables, time telling etc into hours of torture. Telling the time is important, so maybe that can be addressed first, begger the times tables, Its not the be all and end all. I couldn't 'Get' times tables and struggled. I still add with my fingers yet was in the top class at school for everything else. As for your marriage situation, I remember you posting before regarding your stepdaughter and the hostilities it brought back then. Try for a compromise, tell him half hour one to one is enough for a night, and never no longer than an hour at a time, or SD will only get overwrought and confused. In return after this one to one time, he must pay a little attention to his other kids before the two of you have some time together Sadly with all the will in the world, in any family situation, once you have kids, chill time is often out of the window and very far and few inbetween Hope you sort it out Elaine x

if you let her become your rival your on a loosing streak give her more time to settle no matter what rise above it show her how nice you are it will pay off in the end shes just pushing her luck as all 15 year olds do try to remember back i did it i m sure you did at that age xxx

I think you have to accept the situation for a while, I know you must feel left out,but just keep everything together,it will work out im sure. what you are feeling is normal,but just put yourself in her shoes for one minute,she probably feels a little jealous of your other children and just needs to be wanted. It could very well be that she has learning difficulties too. dont do anything in haste,you will regret it. Try and get involved as a family.

Oh dear this is a tough one, you're all going to have to be patient!!!! But don't give up on her!! she may feel humiliated when you get your son to do his tables or the time etc and he does it so quickly - maybe she really can't do it, or maybe she is using this as a tool to get attention , if so WHY, she sounds a very confused young lass even if she is driving you all mad - she may feel that there are five against her and just her dad for her - thats one heck of a burden for a 15 yr old. Not getting at you honest, just trying to see it from her point of view:o((( take care and l do so hope you can get it sorted for all of you:o)) jude sarf wales x

Im no expert but it does sound like she has some learning difficulties of some sort. I would continue with some teaching at home but only short amounts time wise and keep pushing for help via your dr and school. If you dont push for help they will keep you waiting. Talk to your husband and ask him to lay down the law setting bounries for her and be clear of what is acceptable and un acceptable behaviour, may be if it comes from him rather that you to start with she may accept it more. Your husband needs to spend quality time with all the children though, and by pushing the other children out will only make things even harder. Im sure some of the problems are attention seaking but those will go with time. Does she have a hobbie? may be you could help her with. Has she managed to make many new friends? 15 is a horrid age I think anyway I remeber at 15 thinking I was always right and I that i should have been able to do what I want. I know its hard with they way we live today jobs etc but how about one evening having a family night meal where you all sit at the table and ask each one how they are do they need help with anything do they have problems etc use a wooden spoon if needed to bang if it gets heated. Im sure you have tried everything you can but please dnt give up Im sure someone her will be able to help Good luck

do you think you might be a bit over sensitive towards her your children have had his attention for longer shes a relatively new comer give it time it will work out Hun promise its just getting a balance soon your hubby will lose interest when the novelty of her being their wears off and it will all be left to you

if you were to put 10 biscuits on a plate ( for 4 children + her) does she know that 2 each is fair? If you gave one child a bottle of pop to share between them - does she shout ''its not fair' if one gets loads and she doesn't? if so , she has some idea of fractions/division. Time thing... Does she have no concept of time in that you(or dad) say come home at 7pm, and she trots in when she chooses, or if she wants to go out, and you say she can go at 2pm, does she know when its 2pm or does it just pass and you have to tell her? I also have very manipulative step children - who play every card they can lay their paws on - they can act as stupid/ignorant and as manipulative as they see fit - fathers are like putty in their hands. Yes I am bias, maybe, but do know how difficult they can be, and how it can destroy a relationship. a 15 year old that really had no concept of maths at all ( being number dyslexic is different) is very very unusual and surely would have been picked up by the ed authority before now. What happens at parents eveing?

Is there someone whom your husband listens to? Could that person point out to your husband that his responsibility is as much to you and his younger children as to his other daughter? The tensions at home may affect your children, and if this reflected at school, perhaps some 'proffessional' person may discuss this with you both? I do hope that things improve soon, but you can always discuss your frustration here. Love Anne

she loves the fact she gets all this attention im sure, told hubby to get her formally assessed took her the doctors waiting for a place to come avaiable at the clinic to see what level she is at my son whos in yr 1 whos 6 wipes the floor with her only have to tell him 3 times that 45mins is 3/4 hr have told her 200 times easy she still no idea im at my wits end now cant cope love hubby 13yrs we been together on sunday 4 kids we have and well its all going down the drain because of her

Kylie She sounds like she has either learning difficulties or is doing this for attention hun. The best way I can explain this is to tell you about my story. I have no step children but when I was about 25 I was bringing up my neice who was 14 at the time. She was a very troubled girl and was extremely jealous of my attention towards my own children and partner. Times were really tough and she would act up to get more attention than everyone else. The way I got around this was when she was acting up and causing trouble turn the other cheek and not get into an argument with her. When she calmed down and had started behaving I would then give her attention. Before long she started to come round and was a pleasure to live with. We are very close now Hope things work out for you hun (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) Jax xx

Perhaps you could suggest to your husband that since she seems to have severe learning problems it is time he (and you) asked for professional help for her. That would show him that you care about the stepdaughter. If he refuses then he obviously likes the current situation more than he cares about his daughter.

Its a weapon she has at her side, and sad to say that she seems to have the ability to use it - cant your husband see that a 15 year old that doesnt know her 2 and 4 times table either doesnt want to, or is playing him along? I bet she knows whats fair with money and sharing things... Thinking of you- yes step kids are a deadly weapon when they get going

my 15 year old stepdaughter has moved in with us she moved from england in nov 2006 to be with us and well its driving my family apart at 15 she knows not even the basics cant tell the time doesnt know times tables cant add up or subtract husband spends 3-4hrs a night going over the same stuff with her its like she just doesnt want to learn while me and our 4 kids are left alone to do whatever, our kids are shoved out of her room when they want help or need to ask him something ,friends say dont give up on her but im wondering if my marriage can survive this because hubby doesnt want her to go ,so i told him last night me and him have to seperate because in the last 5 months since her being here we have spent one night together watching tv and chilling i cant do it no more it tearing us apart its like to me she just loves the attention we stated at the 2 times tables in 5 months we have moved to 4 times tables i think she loves the fact its driving the other kids mad cos because she has her dad