General Chat

Good luck with the new arrangements, Kylie. Can't believe your Lauren is that old already, can remember when you were pregnant and having probs with step daughter then, I think. Best wishes to all. Liz

Thanks for all your advice have spoke to my hubby last night i offered him a life line to keep her here he take to an assessment centre get her assessed and pays for one of their tutors see how we go, told her that because we are doing this Lauren our 21month old has to come out of daycare oneday a week which has helped her confidence and she loves being with the other kids, so she better not screw it up to honest she has me and my hubby in a corner because she knows i dont to send her home because her mum and my inlaws will call me rotten on giving up and well my in laws hate me anyway so wont give them satisfaction of calling me fit to burn

Hi Kylie, nice to see you around again. I remember when you first mentioned your stepdaughter and wasn't sure if she would be comign to you or not, she was a problem at home I think and was shunted over to you? I hope you will manage to get some help from her school to have her assessed and helped, and that you can get your o.h. to realise he has to share his time more equally with the othre children too. Best of luck, let us know how you get on. Liz

Kylie, I have no experience of stepchildren but I do have a few tips regarding education. I now teach my son at home (he is 11) . The first week of being home educated (he was just 8) he learnt to tell the time...I didn't 'teach' him,he would ask what the time was...for his favourite programme,or to catch a train etc and within the week of just looking at the clock when I did he had it. Although he was good at maths at school, we did a few weeks of traditional maths and then found it was much more fun, just working with maths in a practical way,shopping teaches adding, subtracting,etc. Playing Monopoly is great for dealing with cash maybe the whole family could do that together?It might bring you together a bit rather than being in seperate areas doing different things. As far as times tables go, don't make it a chore, lots of people manage to get through life not knowing their tables! How about working on the computer, lots of computer games have a maths content (as well as those designed specifically to teach maths and some of those are fun). Try and get your husband to take you all out together, doesn't matter what you do...go to a park and play ball, the cinema,swim,have a McDonalds...anything that involves you all being together. But make sure that all the kids get time with their dad at least for an hour a day,I am sure that you could interest your stepdaughter for an hour while your children have dad's attention. How about all making cakes together (I know that sounds trite but kids will love it) it is great for maths...and confidence building. It may well be that your step-daughter can do lots of things you have no idea of but just doesn't have the confidence to do them in front of you and dad. Wishing you luck Rosexx

I have no step children but i did buy tapes of the times tables.One, that my children learnt a lot from was parrot that said the tables and squarked a lot.We used to always put the tape on in the car and the children use to repeat parrot fashion.I do hope you get it sorted out.My grandson lives with my son and his wife.Not my grandsons mum.They have 2 younger children.When the little ones go to bed they both spend time with him playing games etc. Annie

hi kylie instead of getting stessed about her, why dont you take time out just you and her enjoy the time away from home such as shopping or whatever, i know it cant be easy for you or her but instead of consentrating on what she cant do consentrate on what she can do. I know it works for me, my daughter was born with cerebral palsy and although shes good (very good) at some things, shes way behind with her maths skills something to do with space values a bit like number dyslexia. Why dont you explain you worries with her teacher? show your stepdaughter you are on her side, i know you feel she is playing you upbut at the end of the day she is just a child, just bite your lip, it will get better scarlett.

Buy her a calculator and teach her to use it. No one needs to be able to do mental arithmetic these days. And certainly not for four hours on end. I had three hostile stepsons living with me. They corralled my husband off from me and our three girls. I put my foot down in the end and issued 'special time'. Every child and every adult got ten minutes 'special time' in a day, when they had the undivided and uninterrupted attention of an adult. Anyone who intruded on someone else's special time, lost a bit of their own. Of course the boys chose their dad - and so did my daughters, and nobody chose me, lol! But after a bit, a strange thing happened - the youngest boy picked me for his special time one night, and we sat and talked about his mum (nearly choked me, lol) and I helped him to write a letter to her. I am not saying it was a miraculous cure for everything - my husband was too soft with his boys, to the detriment of our daughters, in my opinion, but it did lead to a slightly more harmonious household, and also taught the boys that they could NOT have the undivided attention of an adult for hours on end. We did nearly split up over it though, and I do know how you feel. What does her school say about her? OC

Kylie I know you have had answers to this but I just have to add my 10 cents worth. I am bringing my 11 yr old son to melbourne in June. He has something called NLD non verbal learning disorder. he has a really high verbal comprehension score on an IQ test and to anyone looking he seems like a clever little boy but the other side of his brain which handles perceptual reasoning and spatial awareness is so poor he scores as borderline retarded. because of the visual aspects of mathematics he cannot do times tables and he can not tell the time. (the problem with telling the time is a huge clue) He does not spend hours with me trying to learn to amuse himself its embarrassing for him he feels stupid and it takes everything we have to make him feel positive and to put up with his little quirks which make him quite odd at times. The only specialist in this area on this side of the world is there. And NO he has not been assisted at school You really need to seperate your problems. Please dont humiliate her by having your kids show her up by doing there maths better it will not help. She needs to have an urgent assessment by someone qualified in that kind of disability even if you have to pay for it privately. dont get so caught up in feeling bitter that you cant see the wood for the trees. Once you have this assessment Try and have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Conversley make sure you really listen to how he feels. This is his child and she has the right to be loved by him the same as the other children,he is going about it the wrong way at the moment so perhaps a counsellor will be able to help you all get things into perspective. I dont always enjoy my stepchildren but I respect the fact that my husband loves them and I respect the fact that my kids love their siblings. We were fortunate enough to both have children when we married which made it easier to see the others point of view. My best tip....... Dont try and be her mother, I treat my stepkids just as I treat children that come over to stay. This has been a truce between us for many years,they are happy they dont need me to be their mother and I dont need to take on their ****. They dish it to their mum and dad,and their mum and dad sort it. They are 99.9% pleasant to me because of it and I am 99.9 % pleasant to them. It really works Anyway Chin up I hope things get better for you soon Regards Tania

i think your proberly right and its the fact that shes got her dad to herself. if it was me, i would sit all the kids down and let the kids teach her, giving you and oh some much needed time for each other. and all the children could learn to bond a bit, if shes getting the attention of the other children. she might not be so demanding on your oh. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) lynn x

((<<HUG>>)) Kylie, big one, it hurts more than anyone will ever know. You try harder than you have ever tried before , still it flies back and smacks you round the face , like a wet fish. I haven't found the answer either, just wanted you to know that someone else does know what it feels like.

suggest you get her a tutor and let him argue with them xxx bet her mothers enjoying you squirming

won't say too much, but I know exactly how you feel and I don't really know the answer, much love though Janet

hi all thanks for your advice but hubby has come in after he sees his daughter upset asks why she says cant get maths hubby ask me have i helped her i say yes because she asked me for help after she did some maths got them all wrong asked why she got them wrong i explain over and over she starts crying hubby says'bloody leave her alone and be nice ' icant win told her dont speak to me about maths again

Gillie , she is 21 - its actually getting more and more difficult.... ( she isnt my step daughter, she is my husbands ex-step daughter if you follow that!)- she was his step daughter when he was married to her mum. He isnt any more, and hasn't been for 10 years! Her real dad, Bio dad is in her world, if he wasn't it would maybe be different.

I'll PM you love, Been there and yes it caused massive stress and heartache for us,it is an almost impossible situation TC Caz xxxxxx

My son had an educational physiologist brought in at school to check him at 15yrs and 6mnths and we got told day of last exam that he had a reading and writing level of a 10yr old, he has a stepfather and he tried to help him but I was the protective one and I wish they had listened to me about what help he needed but you need to go to the Doctors or school and ask for her to be assessed but to my other son he is behind with his maths and over the holidays they have gave him homework 10mins a day so your stepdaughter should only get 30mins more than enough you could also what my husband did was print a copy for each of the boys of the times table of the net I think you need to sit down and tell your husband the other kids need his help to but you saying you want to separate was not clever as he will think you don't care about him or his daughter and she will have maybe put doubts in his head that you don't like her and he will now think you don't you have to think positive as your children are still her brothers and sisters same dad so you offer to help her with her siblings and make it a kind of game for her not that your younger child can do it better as she maybe jealous as she has problems and she maybe embarrassed

Gillie I didnt, just think step children, especially step daughters can be the most manipulative thing ever born, when it comes to their step mother... Its easy to say , you are the adult , they are the child and that they are NOT fighting you for the 'common' male, it sure,God damn feels like it at times! I know what Kylie feels like - my OH puts his step daughter (complicated situation , he married the girls mother, raised her and two brothers for 7 years, then she divorced him) before me, and she isnt even a step daughter any more - he feels he has responsibilites- I say they have ended now. The once - step daughter would love to see us split up because she knows dammed well I infulence the decisions he makes ( money etc etc) and he's a soft touch . She turns on the D..a...d.... and he's putty in her hands.

To be fair i think hubby needs to see the problem here himself. Have you asked him for a couple of nights attention for the two of you? would he agree. Try this and see what he has to say. Maybe get a babysitter and get out of the house i always find this works. If not start going out yourself with your friends i bet he will want you then and he will try harder. I do think his daughter wants his sole attention but there is only so much you can take. Do you know the reason as to why she moved in with you? Was she becoming a problem at home? Tell hubby you would love the odd night out with him, hope it works best of luck.

Awwww Paul thats nice, well said:o))))

I agree with some vry good advice given here BE PATIENT, 5 months isn't a long time considering you've been together 13 years I'm sure your both strong enough to pull through this hiccup! I don't know you or your family but it could be possible she has severe learning difficulties and she may well be playing upon these too......remember this young girl has not had her father around her for 13 years . I have no idea if she's seen him on visits often, what kind of upbringing she has had in that time with her mother etc etc. If I was to get off the fence Kylie and put myself in her shoes I'd feel intitled to have some time with my Dad as he's been missing from my life for so long. She may even blame you for 'taking him away from her' How much time have YOU spent with her? You don't say if you all come together as a family at weekends? Do you all do something together swim? ball games? etc etc? I'm sure you'll resolve this you just need strength, patience & some outside help. Much happiness Debi