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A woman and her husband were having a drink together on the verandah.
She said, “I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
The husband smiled indulgently and asked “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replied, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
>>>>> insert big winey grin here <<<<<
(that's WINEY not WHINY)
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>>>>>Insert big toofless grin<<<<<
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A woman after my own heart! :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
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Heee hheee lass, its not yer heart I'm after!!!
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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There
is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will
buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
*Wise Italian Grandfather *
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
up!' "?****
____________________________________________________****
*Irish blonde... *
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of
the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"****
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes!
I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.****
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!****
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Mother's Driver's License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy?, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.
'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago??
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'
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